4 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage, Part 3 of 3

The following post is the third iWomen Marrying Downn a series of posts on modern American dating and young people’s inability to form lasting attachments that potentially lead to marriage.

In Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, I addressed the modern generation’s inability to find and sustain successful long-term relationships—today, over half of 18-34 year olds have no steady partner at all—and suggested parents are an obvious solution to this problem.

Teaching our sons and daughters how to love and to live with the opposite sex, both by modeling it and by counteracting popular narratives about sex, dating and marriage, is the best antidote to helping young people get married and stay married.

Then they’ll need to divorce-proof their marriages. Here are 4 ways to do that:

1. Take the option to divorce off the table. (Pretend it isn’t an option.)

Knowing you can always get out of something directly affects the amount of effort you put into it. As Barry Schwartz wrote in The Paradox of Choice, “When a decision is final, we engage in a variety of psychological processes that enhance our feelings about the choice we made relative to the alternatives.”

Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling Upon Happiness, goes even further. “The psychological immune system works best when we are totally stuck, when we are trapped.”

In other words, approach your relationship as though you’re stuck with your spouse. Then, accept that you’re going to have problems—big problems, problems that may cause you to question why the heck you married him or her in the first place—but that divorce isn’t the answer to those problems. On the contrary, divorce often creates more problems than it solves.

If you can do that, you’re well on your way to a successful marriage.

2. Lower your expectations.

In a recent relationship coaching session, I spoke with an unmarried thirty-something woman whose friends tell her to drop any guy she dates who has the slightest annoying habit. Over time, they said, his habits will become even more impossible to live with.

If you harbor a similar notion that you should never “settle” for less than the best, you are doomed to fail at love. Modern women’s standards are completely unrealistic. No one man can fulfill all your sexual and financial desires, plus make a great husband and father who’s home all the time doing childcare and housework, plus fulfill all your emotional needs. You have to decide what’s most important to you and move it to the top of the list. Stop expecting marriage to provide something it can’t.

Here’s a video that gets to the heart of what I’m talking about:

 

Men don’t typically take this approach to marriage because their needs are far more simple than women’s. All men want is a nice girl who’s pretty, who treats them well, and who likes sex. That’s about the sum of it.

Perhaps in fairness to men, women can come up with the three most important things they need and leave it at that!

3. Dump the concept of equality.

Countless husbands and wives have had their marriages fall apart due to the lie they’ve been fed that a good marriage is a union of “equals.” Not “equals” as in a partnership, the way you or I think of it—equals as in interchangeable: as though husbands and wives can, and should, perform the exact same tasks with equal fervor and with identical results.

In fact, the most successful partnerships are quite the opposite: one partner is strong in areas where the other partner is weak, and vice versa. Or simply for logistics’ sake, each partner focuses primarily on one task. Two people can’t drive the same car—it won’t move. The goal should be complementarity, not competitiveness.

4. Don’t let the sex fall away.

Many couples struggle with sex because they don’t embrace how different husbands and wives are when it comes to sex. Men need to recognize that women can’t get aroused at the drop of a hat the way men can; women need to be romanced or “warmed up.” That doesn’t mean a husband has to take his wife out for a candlelight dinner every time he wants to have sex; but it might mean lighting some candles or putting on some soft music, or it might mean giving his wife a foot rub.

For their part, women need to recognize that men don’t need a perfect mood setting or even foreplay to have sex. Therefore, just as husbands will occasionally go out of their way to set the stage for sex, wives will sometimes need to have sex when they don’t initially feel like it. It’s a trade-off.

Recognize each other’s sexual and emotional needs and build them into the way you live.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

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Comments

  1. You hit the nail on the head, Suzanne. Your points are all valid.

    I would add another point. Know that you will give more than you get. Accept it. Own it. Because you’ll never see all of what the other person does. You can never calibrate it to 50%, anyway. My parents used to say that 50-50 never works; it has to be 100-100. This means total commitment by both.

    Another useful thing: talk to those who are divorced. See how happy they are. If they divorced a sociopath, yes, they are better off. But you see, jumping ship doesn’t necessarily solve problems. Here’s why. When you start a marriage, you each grow in it. After 5 years, you have 5 years investment. Each of you is growing/maturing/learning how to put joy into the other’s heart. Yes, there are disappointments. Welcome to the big school called life. Yes, those emotion laden pictures in your mind may not always show up precisely as you wanted.

    Yes, you can jump ship, in divorce. Here’s the price: you START OVER AGAIN, zeroed out. Men tend to avoid divorcees. As one wise old man told me, widows are much better. Divorcees always have an edge to them, there’s a reason they got divorced, he said. Statistically, divorcees don’t stay married as long, too. I am twice divorced. I did all I could for the first one, but she kept boyfriends, refused all counselling, because of course I was the only problem, she had no problems and was perfect. She, and my second wife, had some extremely unrealistic expectations, and both had a negotiation model of demanding everything while giving as little as possible.

    I am not in the job I wanted. Why. I got custody of my little girl, after my first divorce, and had to have a job where I could support her. OK, where I am is where I put my energy. I invested time, energy, etc. in the job I have now, and I am very successful in it. Remember that old song, “If you can’t be with the one you love, then love the one you’re with?”

    The prince is only a model of the higher self. The Fairy tales were stories of spiritual processes, and not any model of romance. What was that Disney movie, about the red haired Celtic women, and all the men were bumpkins? Tangled, or something like that? That’s how AMerican women see men. Here’s the problem. What you fill your mind with, is what you get. WHen you think all men are bumpkins, idiots, or whatever, you SET YOUR FREQUENCY to that channel, and THAT’S ALL YOU ATTRACT.

    The partner you attract is a reflection, for men, of their anima, and for women, their animus, to use Jungian terms.

    Most deep wisdom appears to be very mundane. Here is a deep wisdom: you are where you are supposed to be, right now. Work with what you have. Set an easy to obtain goal, and achieve it. Set a higher goal, achieve that.

    My wife irritates me at times. No surprise there. My control is in how I react to it. I make a point of saying really nice things to her, of encouraging her, of cracking her up, of opening her perception, and in short, being the best partner I can be. She married me in part because of the mystery, she knew that I would be doing things to surprise her.

    You don’t really “divorce-proof” your marriage. What you do, is pour energy into it. THis doesn’t work with alcoholics, they are a black hole that sucks in all energy and light, and gives out only darkness. From a Quantum Mechanics point of view- don’t divorce proof it- STRENGTHEN it. Nourish it. It is a living being; feed it, with good energy. Notice the joy of being in a large entity consisting of more than one person.

    The closest analogy I have is like a military unit. You know your buddies, you take care of your buddies, and they know and take care of you. Two marines are worth 4 individuals, because they interact in systemic ways- yes, this is US Marine theory. Two married people are worth 4 single parents. I did the single parent thing for 14 years, I know exactly what I’m talking about. This is the effect of synergy, and it is why marriage offers so much potential.

    I remember those 10’s, I saw, in college, and how they set me on fire. And I’d see them later, clearly having boozed and drugged their beauty away. It was like a memento mori, like looking at those pictures of beautiful women that turn into a skull. 10’s are nice to look at, and that’s it. Otherwise, they have no more use than a statue. I need a woman who has heart, who is kind, who is focused on marriage, who will back me up, really, a battle buddy, that I can TRUST. I know very well how the 10’s play around. They can’t be trusted. They hit the wall, about 35, maybe 40 if she’s kept a good diet. But they all have that Wile E. Coyote moment, where they look down, and there’s no road, any more. That’s what happens when you put your faith in the physical. Spiritual women stay beautiful into their 80’s. Look at the French Singer, Mireille Matheu. She looks pretty good, and must be 70 now. Go to a powwow, look at those Native American women, who are above 50. They look gooooood. Notice Hispanic women, in their traditional culture. Many of them, over 50, look good. Many AMerican women over 50 don’t look good, at all. They put their faith in toxic cosmetics, booze, partying, bad boys, Cosmopolitan magazine, the latest fashions, and they got dumped. Margot Kidder committed suicide, not long ago. Think about why. She was a movie star. But she didn’t dig deep into that spiritual side of life.

    And if you really want to divorce proof a marriage: dig deep into the spiritual side of life. I did a Vision Quest in the traditional way, 4 days in the woods, no food, ok I’m a weak white man and did bring water. I wish I’d done it when I was 15. Instead, I was 35. It still had a deep, deep effect on me. It was like the deeper parts of me crystallized. Oh, it was very boring for the first 3 days, as my conscious mind raged. And then I dove deep, deep into the spiritual side of life, it was, pardon the expression, better than orgasm, I mean you no disrespect, that’s what it was like. It was like a climax in my heart, it was like I was in the middle of a choir of angels, it was like God exploded inside of me. This makes no sense, of course, it is very hard to put spiritual experience in words. I came back from that a different person. My life changed completely. I was far more effective. The 40 days Jesus spent in the Wilderness, by way, was unquestionably a VIsion Quest. I can say that because I did one, and I know my fellow spiritual travellers. The Buddha did a Vision Quest. Orpheus did a Vision Quest. Muhammad did a Vision Quest. Degonawida did a Vision Quest. Native Americans typically put their teenage lads out for 4 days. Medicine Grizzly Bear noted he knew people who had done one for 2 weeks- those who really wanted to serve the community, and come back with great gifts. 40 days, which is a number with deep meaning to Essenes, is a very powerful period. Wow. 4 days was intense, for me.

    If you want a divorce proof marriage, it MUST be on a spiritual foundation. How do we identify this? Service to others. And celebrate when they give back, but don’t expect it, and don’t resent it because your standards, that you never bothered to communicate, weren’t met. It means you give more than you get. It means having joy in the moment. It means encouraging others, and expanding your sense of self outside your skin.

    Women have this bizarre idea that men can read their minds. Men can’t. Men also don’t necessarily understand women’s language. Men are linear, women are circular. Give a man a clear goal, and he goes for it. Circling over the airport just confuses men.

    Life is a spiritual journey. The spiritual side of life is 99.99999999999 % of it. Ignore that, and you limit yourself to the physical, which is far less. Look at atomic distance, or cosmic distance. Space is 99.999999999% empty. THAT is the spiritual side of life, the potential. Once you learn to create, from the potential, life is a beautiful place to play, a joyful place, where one becomes one with the Creator, as a sort of extension of the Creator. Materialistic people have no idea what I’m talking about. SPiritual people know me as one of their own.

    I’m careful what I say to black people. They tend to be very aware. Not always, but often. I don’t tell them I avoid alcohol, drugs, spend time in spiritual activity, do what I can to put joy in other people’s lives, and so on. When I do, they pick me up immediately as a “holy man”, to use their words. My dad told me to seek out people who have been persecuted, to learn from, because they always have useful awareness. The stupid ones were all killed off. He was correct.

    I am married. Oh, she’s moody at times, difficult at times. But she is 1,000 times better than the alcoholics I was married to before. She may leave me, but I won’t leave her. Marriage is a school, it teaches so many useful lessons. I remember my father’s generation well; those who were happily married lived in bliss, it was a joy to be around them.

    I trust this will be useful to you. I appreciate all you do, Suzanne. You are a breath of fresh air, speaking truth.

  2. Divorce proof a marriage? That’s actually fairly simple. Drain him dry. Give him great oral, whatever. If he’s drained dry, he won’t have any seed to plant in other farms, if you know what I mean. This includes porn. A focused woman who is open to the wild thing is far, far better than the best porn. A man getting what he needs will often overlook small faults, you know, extra weight, maybe a motivationally challenged woman, not always wanting to cook, let’s say. There are women who will say to a husband, “You have two hands, take care of it yourself”. Husband then asks himself why exactly he put his head in the noose, to deal with this woman. Few things are more frustrating- for either spouse, and especially a man- than carrying his/her own weight, and suddenly realizing he now has to also carry someone else’s weight.

    I remember asking my wife, who left me for another man, about the wedding vows. She said, ‘Oh, those were just words, they didn’t mean anything.” I’ve heard other men tell me they heard nearly identical words from their soon to be former spouses. If I make a promise, I do all I can, to carry it out. If I can’t carry it out, I note this, and why, to the person I made the promise to. This is sometimes called “integrity”, and it is the mark of a mature adult. That wife left me when I was in the military. The chaplain told me that the best revenge I could have, would be to let her stay with that guy, and they would each revenge the other, more than I could dream of. That chaplain was correct. Starting a relationship out of adultery is like trying to swim in a swimming suit that keeps falling off. Both sides have trust issues… and with reason.

    Another important way to divorce proof a marriage. Take responsibility. Don’t dump all the decisions on him. Recognize you own your problems, you created them, and you can create a solution. What is the next right and perfect step, to solve the issue? Do that. Ask the question. Do the next thing. In time, you solve the problem. Dumping all your problems on hubby is very, very disheartening. Solving your own problems cheers him, and for the occasional problems where you need his help, he will be happy to do so.

  3. “Modern women’s standards are completely unrealistic. No one man can fulfill all your sexual and financial desires, plus make a great husband and father who’s home all the time doing childcare and housework, plus fulfill all your emotional needs. You have to decide what’s most important to you and move it to the top of the list. Stop expecting marriage to provide something it can’t.”

    Suzanne. Women don’t hear this. If you ever played Dungeons and Dragons… when you start with a character, you roll the dice, for about 7 qualities. You get anywhere between 3 and 18, for each quality. So for physical strength, if you roll and 18, you are Superman. if you roll a 3, you can’t even lift a weapon. Nobody ever rolls all 18’s. And yet that is exactly what women expect of men, in the USA. You speak the truth. Thank you.

    When women keep setting the bar too high, men just quit.

  4. The following questions are designed to increase rapport, potentially even between a couple.

    1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

    2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

    3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

    4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

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    5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

    6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

    7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

    8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

    9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

    10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

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    11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

    12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

    Set II

    13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

    14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

    15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

    16. What do you value most in a friendship?

    17. What is your most treasured memory?

    18. What is your most terrible memory?

    19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

    20. What does friendship mean to you?

    21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

    22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

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    23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

    24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

    Set III

    25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

    26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

    27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

    28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

    29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

    30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

    31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

    32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

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    33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

    34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

    35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

    36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

  5. You certainly leave a lot out of this. Yes, men want a woman who’s pretty, treats them well, and likes sex, but they also expect that this woman will forever look like she’s nineteen, will never say no to anything no matter how insanely stupid it is, and likes sex but not too much and only wants it when he does, but always wants it then, no matter that it’s, say, the day of her mother’s funeral or she had surgery within the week.

    I do hope you enjoy your temporary fame from catering to the worst males in the world. Men will toss you out with the dirty dishwater as soon as they get tired of you. You’re still a woman and they hold you in the same absolute contempt they hold every other woman. You’re a parasite: enjoying the fruits of feminism while destroying the tree that produces them.

    • You have set you magnetic attractor field to some very unpleasant frequencies. But that is your choice.

    • What was your sample size? one? two? And from that you generalize to 500 million men? What’s wrong with this picture? Men get dumped like this frequently. Go to any divorce court, and just listen. Men realize that a woman dumped them. They watch reruns of Friends, for a couple of nights, and then they get out there again. It’s like sales. When the sale doesn’t happen, you say, “Next!” and move on. Welcome to the adult world. Did you give the sex away for free? What did you do, build a picture in your mind, that he was Prince Charming, come to rescue you, on his white horse, and when it didn’t work out, you blamed him? Stop letting Prince Charming into your head. See things and men just as they are. Do not judge them, or have expectations. Pay attention. And whatever else you do, don’t pass it out for free. If he doesn’t want to commit, he won’t. Great! You have feedback. Learn, and move on. You drank a gallon bottle of poison, woman, and the only person you are hurting is you. Vomit it out. Anyone who’s had relationships has been dumped. Men don’t want to be Prince Charming any more. Women who seek rescue had to create a persecutor, to need rescue. Men know, more and more, than if they rescue a woman who likes being a victim, she will create them as the new persecutor. men would like a partner, a complement, who balances them.

  6. men want a woman who’s pretty, treats them well, and likes sex….
    yes, that’s true

    but they also expect that this woman will forever look like she’s nineteen…
    no. Men above the age of 30 understand that this will not occur. Sorry, they do. Though men who seek hookups can always replace the women they go out with.

    will never say no to anything no matter how insanely stupid it is…
    ha ha ha. You have never been a man in a relationship with a woman, clearly. Women say no more than they say yes.

    and likes sex but not too much…
    what kind of men have you been dating?

    and only wants it when he does, but always wants it then…
    what pickup bars have you been trolling in?

    no matter that it’s, say, the day of her mother’s funeral or she had surgery within the week…
    you are describing Arab men. Ah tatakelamina bilughatil Arabiya?

    I do hope you enjoy your temporary fame from catering to the worst males in the world…
    your feminism is showing. The worst men in the world avoid marriage. Though for some reason, women seek them out, because they think they have the magic to tame these bad boys. Even convicted murderers in prison get marriage proposals from women.

    Men will toss you out with the dirty dishwater as soon as they get tired of you…
    what pickup bars have you been trolling? Oh, wait, you’re on Bumble! Men willing to enter marriage cannot get rid of a ball and chain, like you, and they know it. It is not that simple. Maybe they tossed you because they saw who you really are, and cold fear gripped their guts. It happens.

    You’re still a woman and they hold you in the same absolute contempt they hold every other woman… uhhh, no, there are respectful men. But you clearly aren’t trolling in the right bars. And here is a powerful lesson: you attract what you are. How many men did you dump? How many men do you dump before they can dump you? One of them clearly hurt you, so you generalize. OK. So you were offered poison, and you swallowed it, and you keep it in your system. Whom is that hurting?

    You’re a parasite: enjoying the fruits of feminism while destroying the tree that produces them…
    the fruits of feminism are crazy cat ladies, women who cannot hold a real relationship together, women who are consumed with hate, divorced women so poisonous men won’t approach them. The fruits of feminism grow from a sap of hatred, and the fruits include women crying, in their apartments, alone, as they watch TV, and eat junk food. The fruits of feminism are a birthrate that means Hispanics, blacks, and other immigrants will soon be a majority. Which, by way, I welcome. Hispanic women are a lot better at being wives, than Anglo women. I’m married to one. Las mujeres de los estados unidos usualmente no tienen valor. Son serpientes. Mi esposa es esplendida. El sexo con ella es muy, muy bien, el mejor en mi vida. Los blancas en los estados unidos son estupidas, y odiosas, con toxinas.

    Suzanne, you have class. So I said it. She can hate on me, instead of on you.

    • There are bad women in every group. There just seem to be a lot fewer among Hispanics, Asian, and gee, just about every country that isn’t Western European or America. Hispanic women can pork up, but often do keep themselves in good condition. When I see a single white mom, with mixed race kids, I know what happened. She dissed white men, as part of the patriarchy, and married some third world guy, because we “have to understand them”, or make up for all the crimes white men inflicted on his people. Then she found out he was polygamous, or really abusive, after the kids were born. She dumped him, and got custody. Now she is really bitter. Men don’t want to raise another guy’s kids, it’s like paying for 8 Mercedes Benz or Audis, to raise just one. I stay far away from these women. They are on a hair trigger. I don’t want them to even know my name. And give me the foreigners, the Hispanic ladies in particular. It’s worth learning Spanish, or Portuguese, for. You get women like what was around in the USA in the 1950’s, usually they don’t have that feminist toxic waste running in their systems. Yes, they stand up for themselves, you won’t be able to walk all over them. But why would you want to? They respond very well to good treatment. And they love children.

    • TI would suggest that if you want to save your current marriage – well, start by really taking divorce off the table – by making it clear to others that this is terrible. Stop looking at what housework he does (ask yourself seriously – what is housework – and how did you come up with the work that qualifies- because usually it ends up being what SHE sees as “women’s work” and it varies – by woman. Ask yourself – if mowing the lawn and shoveling the driveway is not “housework” what portion of his work are you taking on? Why is it his? Do you work as many hours as him?

      Stop listening to the media – and others with regards to him showing you love- and ask – really how do women shown men love- I mean really? If he has questions – what are you doing to prove you love him? What emotional support does he get ? I mean really? Do you think he does not express his emotions? If so – how do you expect them to be expressed? If you think that he should cry, have you asked yourself is that the only valid way? How do you actually react when he expresses emotions in ways you actually recognize? I have noticed, that many women assert men do not understand them, and believe that women understand men better, but I would suggest, that most men grew up in a space dominated by women – and had to actively seek out men, whereas women grew up in a space dominated by oops – women, and did not so actively seek out men, until their personalities were fairly formed. So again – I would ask – how do you really support him, and do you – like most women – expect him to conform to a female manner of expression? Do you subconsciously resent that when he does? Do you actually understand a male expression of emotion? If you believe you do – how did you learn it? Are you really sure – he feels supported? What do you do, to make him feel appreciated? Desired?

      The next question should be- what are you teaching your kids?

      • Men may do housework. I know how to load a dishwasher, and to wash them by hand. But I do it my way, which is sanitary, but not my wife’s way. She prefers to do them, because she wants them done her way. My way is quicker, because I don’t have much time. She doesn’t get the oil changed, the car fixed, the bills paid, the repairs done, because she doesn’t really know how.

        When she was sick for months, I did it all- got childcare for our child, laundry, dishes, whatever. They weren’t done well, but they were done. Had I been sick, things would not have gone well, because while I can do anything she does, she does not know how to do all I do.

        When I was in the Army, I had a battle buddy. We looked after each other’s needs. If you have a good partner, this works. It’s much, much easier than trying to do it all yourself. Two people looking after each other are like more than two single people, because they work synergistically. Maybe that’s why we have two parent marriage. Just asking. Some animals have females who raise young by themselves. That works for them. But there is just too much for human children to learn, from just one parent. Which is why children of single parents, statistically, do very much worse than children of two parent families. Yes, there are exceptions, but not many.

  7. Some men don’t believe that women cheat, in marriage. Some men say that some women cheat, but most don’t. Some men say women cheat more than men do. So when men get married, he does not believe his wife will cheat on him. Why would she cheat, if she was committing? So she goes to a woman’s night out. Or it is a woman’s night off, from the relationship? Men talk. Are they meeting at a restaurant, and then peeling off to their side men? Men thinking about marriage may know about the “women’s trip”, where the women head off to Vegas, or Cancun. Why would she want to go there? What happens there stays there… unless it is disease microorganisms. One married man saw a picture of a wild night, involving his wife, in Cancun, with a message from her girlfriend, about the guys they’d been with. He took a picture of it, with his cell phone. He put her possessions in storage. He moved out, fast. She wondered what happened. He sent her the picture, and told her she had a choice: she could simply tell her friends, and family, that the marriage didn’t work out, or- or- he could send the picture, and message, to all her family and friends. She took the first option. Women have far more freedom to play around, now. And they do. VIsit Cancun, or Vegas.

    Men’s cheating is not the same… since men are not women. Married women might go out with a man they met, and she gets that electric spark back, the mystery is exciting. So she dresses up right, with new underwear, when she meets him, the special perfume, what she had when she was in the courting phase. Oh, she still sleeps with hubbie, but it’s married sex, routine pair maintenance. The side man is wild, swinging from the ceiling, radio going to hide the noise, pair-bonding sex. The side man takes a trip, and the woman gets upset, blows up at small things. Hubby wonders what happened. She is missing part of herself.

    Let’s remember that hubbie married the woman. He loves her, and puts up with all the crap that women give out, in marriage. But the side guy gets the cream. He gets the new thong and bra set, while hubbie gets the long nightgowns. Side guy doesn’t have to pay the mortgage, or clean up the vomit, or fix anything. He stays mostly in the realm of fantasy and mystery. The side guy gets the enthusiasm, hubbie gets the minimum. Wives tend to cheat out of dissatisfaction. Husbands cheat because they are cheaters. Men do not have emotional bonds with a one night stand. Women do have emotional bonds, with their side men.

    So, hubby finally finds out, he is very upset, and yells, saying things will never be the same. Because they won’t. She cut him deeply. Hubby asks how long it lasted; 10 months. Five years. Whatever. It gets worse. He knows she is attached to him, and this threatens the kids, his economic security, and so on. It is a major phase disruption, for him.

    But when hubby gets caught cheating, the first question out of a wise woman’s mouth is, “so do you love her?” The answer is 99% going to be no. Because men can detach that way. Without love, for a guy, sex is only a physical act. Which is why side women expecting a married man to leave his wife for them are disappointed. This does not validate cheating by either. Cheating is a gross violation of boundaries. Moral people avoid it.

    But when a woman cheats, most men won’t forgive it. They know too much about how women’s minds work. Women cannot detach, emotionally, the way a man can. The woman has far less risk, in adultery by spouse, than a man does. And far more attachment. Did women cheat 60 years ago? Yes, but it wasn’t as common. It wasn’t as easy, either. And all the women’s magazines talk about how cheating by women can strengthen a marriage. Which is BS. Men have bicameral brains. It is, or it isn’t. The woman is faithful, or she isn’t. There is no grey area. A woman can justify cheating, squirrelcaging it, justifying it, and so on. It is not productive. I have heard of women cheating, in marriage, and breaking up. Later, a number tried to come back to their ex. And hubby just said no. He was in, now he’s out. Being out is safer, and better.

    • Cheating is cheating. The way it is done makes no difference. My ex husband fell in love with his mistress. There are no winners no matter how the story plays out.

      • That is so true. Because the new wife has no trust in hubby, at all. She worries constantly. Not a good foundation. My ex ran off with her boyfriend. She nailed him down good, with several kids. And he wasn’t getting any, after a while, and well, she had this little problem with alcohol, and unresolved trauma from childhood, and so on.

  8. Divorce proof? That’s a negative focus. How about committing? Deciding you will stay the course.
    It’s simple. Simple may not be easy, though. Many American women are decidedly low grade, though, so a woman who commits to marriage, and does her part, doesn’t have to worry. Empty hubby out regularly, you know what I mean, keep a tolerable house, spend money wisely, take good care of the kids, eat a healthy diet and stay healthy, be cheerful and easy to please, and you are already in the top 10% of American women. I know a couple where the wife is ugly, like a 5. Except she has a nice smile. And she does all of the above, and more, and even has a good heart. Hubby is very, very happy, he’s clearly getting all he needs. This dude is always smiling, when I see him. And he knows that he cannot replace her. A plain 5 with heart is worth 400 10’s with no heart. The 10’s may not stay 10’s, without maintenance. Nothing is worse than a 10 that degrades to a 5. A woman treated well, in marriage, who has a good heart, and is energetically cheerful, can go from a 5 to an 8. There is a Chicken Soup for the Soul story about a South Sea islander, who was offered an ugly wife, for 4 goats, when the going rate was 8. He was smart. What wife would respect herself, if he only paid 4? He insisted on, and paid 12 goats, for her. Within 10 years, that woman was the most beautiful woman on the island. Women are in process, they are either rotting, or growing.

  9. The Steve Harvey 43 point list woman is intelligent. She is clearly defining what she seeks. The question to be asking, is what are her 43 strong points, to balance Mr. Perfect on steroids? American women have this idea that they deserve some guy who is a great shrink, great in bed, makes lots of money on 5 hours of work per week, and only concentrates on them. Guys with that much money don’t get married. Why would they? They have more women than they can count. The 43 point list woman doesn’t have 43 strong points. Her idea is kind of like trying to put a Rolls Royce body on a Ford chassis. It just doesn’t work. Did she say anything about the fantastic deal Mr. Fantastic was going to get with her? No. It never even crossed her mind.

    • Yeah. What does Mr. Fantastic get, in her?

      I’ll tell you. He gets an entitled complainer, who complains every single day, about how he’s just not enough for her, he should be doing more for her, he should change overnight but she’s not sure what into, and so on and so on. She bitches about everything. He’s her dream guy, why the heck doesn’t he have the powers of the genie of the lamp?

      Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and the postcards. And the divorce. And the pleasure of seeing her new special guy treated the same way. She lives in homeless shelters, now, with psychological problems I don’t know how to pronounce, totally paranoid. I have to wonder how many American women are totally insane. I’m sure it’s over 50%. Most guys have to be easy to get along with, because they have to make money, and survive. Women know the state will support them, so they don’t have that discipline.

  10. This would help

    THE TWELVE STEPS FOR FEMINISTS.
    1. We admitted we were powerless over feminism—that our lives had become unmanageable.
    2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves, a spiritual power, reachable only through the heart, could restore us to sanity.
    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this power, as we understood er
    4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
    5. Admitted to Goddess, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, and all the pain and injury we inflicted on innocents.
    6. Were entirely ready to have Goddess remove all these defects of character.
    7. Humbly asked her to remove our shortcomings.
    8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
    9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
    10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
    11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Goddess as we understood her, praying only for knowledge of Her will for us and the power to carry that out.
    12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to feminists, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

    Traditional European culture had a way to cure addictions. Addictions can only occur in a body with acidic pH, that is, under 7.0. One can drink about a tablespoon of traditional apple cider vinegar, and a tablespoon of raw unpasteurized honey, mixed in water, once an hour, until the addiction passes. I have noticed that feminists seem to not eat a very good diet. They show all the signs of addiction, in their behavior. Avoiding acidifying foods is also very helpful. George Ohsawa noted that all diseases occur only in a body with acidic pH, too. Hatred is acidifying, to the body. 12 step programs aren’t easy, but they do work.

    • What is the difference between a feminist and an alcoholic?

      Alcoholics know they have an addiction. Alcoholics can be very pleasant people.

    • Sounds like a good way to raise consciousness to me. They could discuss each principle at a meeting, say.

  11. Sabado Gigante was the longest running variety show in the history of American TV. The host Don Francisco, had interesting ideas. He had a program where estranged family members were invited, to potentially reconcile. They didn’t, always. One case fascinated me. It was a father, who had a DNA test on his daughters. The test determined that his daughters were not his, biologically. Well, like many Hispanic men, he got somewhat upset, and left the family. They lived I think in the Dominican republic. Well, on the show, SG did new DNA tests, which showed that the daughters were his, biologically. The man was shocked. He couldn’t imagine that the test could have been wrong. He apologized to the family he’d left. The family he’d left was not in good shape, each of them suffered. They suffered enough that they didn’t want to accept his apology, or to spend any time with him.

    Why would he be upset? Because men know that women play around. I’d go so far as to say that women play around more than men do, because they play with bad boys, who have multiple partners. In Hispanic culture, it happens, even with the strong emphasis on family, and fidelity to husbands, and so on. Some talk about Hispanic men playing around. Some HM do. Most don’t have the time, they are working, or at home.

    It’s a nice cautionary tale, though. Be sure of your target before you pull the trigger.

  12. I want a car that goes 500 miles on a gallon of gas. It needs a stainless steel body, so it never rusts, and an engine that will do one million miles. It needs to have a strong body, so it doesn’t show scratches or fender benders. I want flight capacity, i.e. I can fly at 1,000 feet, when traffic is bad. I want it to cost under $5K. I want it to have collision avoidance radar, and bulletproof glass. It needs to have the storage capacity of a 4 ton truck, and be no bigger than a Honda Accord.

    What do you MEAN, I have to LOWER MY EXPECTATIONS? I can have and do anything I want! This is what I want! Right NOW! It’s my right! I will go to consciousness raising sessions, and march in marches, to DEMAND MY RIGHTS TO THIS! Lower my expectations? Who the heck do you think you are, to tell me that? I’ve been told all my life to demand what I want, because I am all that! I want this car NOW! Bernie Sanders said I could have it, so I demand it right now!

    I don’t have this yet! I am EXTREMELY UNHAPPY that I don’t have WHAT I DESERVE RIGHT NOW! Why can’t I have this? I am going to dump my current car, so I can find my DREAM CAR!

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