How to Say ‘No’ to a Woman

I recently began a new series I’m doing called ‘Ask Suzanne,’ where I take questions at and post my answers via video on my new You Tube page.

For my first installment, I answered a mom’s question about what to tell her sons about navigating a culture steeped in female entitlement. Apparently her son had begun dating a girl who’s very demanding.

Shortly afterward I got this question from a husband: How can a married man say no to the unreasonable demands of his wife without losing her to divorce?

These are essentially the same scenarios, except one involves a boy and the other a man. But the quandary is the same: How should a guy respond to a woman who’s entitled and demanding?

Learn to say no.

What makes this so hard is that saying no to a woman isn’t a natural state for boys or for men, who long to please the woman they love. Indeed, evolutionary pressure—as a result of paternal investment being crucial to infant survival—has compelled men to be responsive the needs and even demands of women.

When a guy is in love with a woman who appreciates him and who’s good to him in return, this dynamic works exceedingly well. But if the girl or woman he loves is selfish and entitled—and let’s be honest: women today are encouraged to be exactly that—well, that changes everything.

In that case, it’s critical that men and boys learn to say no. No, I don’t agree with you. No, I don’t want to go to that party. No, I (if he’s single) or we (if he’s married) can’t afford that right now.

If this sounds blasphemous to you as a woman, that’s likely because you’ve been conditioned to believe that being told no amounts to oppression.

It doesn’t. Being told ‘no’ means a man has his own agency and can’t be told what to think or what to do.

The good news is, as uncomfortable as it may be for you to say no the girl or woman you love, it actually serves you both very well. Because a woman who’s demanding is actually testing you to see whether or not you’re stronger than she is. She wants you to stand up for yourself and speak your mind. If you don’t, not only will you be frustrated and angry, she will read your behavior as weak.

Nothing good can come from your choice to placate a demanding woman.

Just ask Luke, who had this to say when I posted my first video on my Facebook page:

Saying no to girls is a BIG lesson boys need to learn (and to be frank one that took me 40 years to learn). I use a litmus test now. Would I do this for my male friends? If the answer is no, then I look into it more deeply. There are circumstances where I still say yes (i.e. picking up a heavy box or walking a girl to her car at night) but generally if I wouldn’t do it for my male friends, I no longer do it for women.

That may sound harsh, but it’s a rational response to what has happened over the past 40 years with the so-called rise of women and the subsequent demotion of men. This change in gender dynamics demands that boys and men learn a new way of interacting with women and girls.

Modern women have been conditioned to believe they’re oppressed by the patriarchy and subsequently responded by questioning men’s every move. They believe men owe them. That’s where women’s sense of entitlement comes from.

But men don’t owe women anything. Ergo, the male response to any woman who makes demands on him should not be to roll over as though he’s indebted to her.

The proper response is to simply say No.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

Reader Interactions


  1. Mark says

    The below came off of, a Christian site. After 2 painful divorces, if you have to say “no” to a woman, along with a reasonable explanation, more than once, this is a flashing red light, a loud siren, an air raid warning, to GET AWAY FROM HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN. She is a child in the body of an adult, who can do you serious damage. Ghost her, do what women do: tell her it’s not her, it’s you, give reasons that make no sense, and get away from her. If you want a wonderful wife, d that you will enjoy some serious action with, as you celebrate your 60th wedding anniversary… get away from this one. She brings pain, heartbreak, agony, depression, self-doubt, and great testing. See her with the horns, trident, and pointed tail she already has, and react accordingly.

    Mark Childers
    07/15/2018 AT 7:20 AM
    You aren’t looking at the long term. Our society has fewer and fewer children. Demographics are the future. It is as if the press, and culture, decided to destroy Western civ. My first wife decided to “trade up”. I got custody of our young daughter. I raised her till she was 17, and she has thanked me. Her mother is crazy enough that her own daughters, by her next marriage, don’t want much to do with her. She lives in a homeless shelter now-by choice, and is very paranoid. A friend of mind showed me the Hot/Crazy evaluation of women. Men would like a hot woman, so that goes from 1-10. The crazy scale goes from 4-10, because women under 4 on that scale basically don’t exist. When my father got married, divorce was under 5% of marriages. I talk to young men. I ask them if they’d like to play a lottery, where they have a better than 50% chance of losing half their assets, and half their income over they next 26 years. They look at me like I’m crazy. I say, “Just get married”. They break up laughing. I did not have sex before I got married. My wife did. She also had a problem with alcohol. Pain is such a patient teacher. I’m remarried, to a Latin woman who grew up in a traditional family. Sex and the City does a major disservice to women- they think they can play sexually till they are 45, and then find a rich guy. Getting involved with a feminist is as smart as getting involved with a poisonous snake; she may be beautiful, but she is deadly, and will bite, in time. I was raised in the church. A married woman came on to me, in church, some years ago. I walked away from that. My brother and I have each had the opportunity to play with married women, and we just walk away from it. It’s not just the danger of being killed, it’s that it is IMMORAL. My wife has a best friend, who reads feminist websites that talk about taking lovers. She finds illegal immigrants, for this. She doesn’t really know how to hold down a job, she lives off her parents, at 38. She’d like to get married, but no self-supporting man will put up with her. One of her boyfriends “married” a Filipina, so she could get a green card. Now, see, many third world folks are quite smart. She had a guy with a regular job, didn’t drink, treated her well, and so on. It can be so frustrating to find a good partner. So she told him she was on the pill, and offered him some. He took her up on it. She got pregnant, it seems she “forgot” to take the pill. But she was very pleasant, you know, cooked, didn’t get bitchy, acted, really, like an ideal wife. Men tend to stay in their habits. She had the child. She took care of business, gave him what he needed, and so on. He is very happy now, because, well, he has no idea what he would get if he started looking. The Filipina was smart, very smart, and did not exploit her advantage. When I was in high school, I got nowhere with the lasses. OK, I studied. Now women come on to me, yes, even when I’m married. I let them down slowly and politely. Then there are the women with children, by bad boys, who think a man wants to spend $500,000 raising the children of a bad boy. Yeah, right. My brother was dumped by a very nice woman, who told him he was “too nice”, she wanted a bad boy. Brooke Medicine Eagle said a native elder told her that women determine exactly how men treat women- by whom they choose to sleep with.

    • Christina says

      Wow Mark Childers and his friends sound like prime catches who’ve only had crazy immoral women interested in them. How’d that happen?

      • Medicine Owl says

        They chose women that helped them develop their awareness, through that most patient teacher, pain. They learned quickly, and did not repeat their mistakes. I know a lot of decent men who had to learn in just this way. And they do learn. And they pass on their learning.

      • David says

        I think what happened is that he went looking for women in the USA. What American woman ever listens to men, anyway?

  2. Mark says

    Her son is with a woman who is very demanding? Ok. Babies are very demanding. And they have to be. Properly raised, they grow out of it, and ask, reasonably, for what they seek, or even go get it themselves. There is a biological term for this woman: neotenous. She is a small child in the body of an adult. When I was young, I lived in a country where there were many poisonous snakes. We did not play with poisonous snakes, because they would hurt us. Oh, they were beautiful… but that didn’t mean we spent time in their company. Get AWAY from this woman, as soon as you can. She needs to mature. let her inject her venom into someone else.

  3. Terry D says

    Saying ‘no’ results in no women. Unless it becomes cultural ‘no’, they can always find someone to undercut you by saying a phony ‘yes.’ That’s why ‘no’ is often left unsaid.

  4. Medicine Rainbow says

    The best way to say “no” to women is to feel them intuitively. Imagine yourself scanning them, as with radar. If you feel any discomfort when you do this, go into stealth mode, and get out. Say “no” in the first 15 seconds. The military calls this situational awareness. If you get involved with her, pay close attention to how you feel, and shut down that thinking mind. Just feel, in wordless space. If she doesn’t feel right, ghost her. If that doesn’t work, be a nerd, talk to her about your emotional problems, make yourself look really weak emotionally, cry. She’ll dump you quickly enough. Don’t dump her- she will take revenge, and it will be nasty. Ghost her if you can. If you can’t, then quickly become emotionally unstable, a weak man, a soy boy. She’ll dump you- and then it’s over. I was with a woman I thought was “the one”, oh, I was on fire with her, I mean it was like a forest fire, my entire body was hot for her. She was truly lovable. But she had this one little problem: at 130 lbs, she could down more beer than I could- if I drank booze. I don’t drink. It hadn’t hit her face yet. My guts took me into weakness, into looking worthless, by instinct, and she left. She was pure fire, too, but fire burns. Oh, I wanted to be her white knight, to help her heal, to be her redeemer… and I knew that when a woman plays the victim, she wants a rescuer… and once rescued, she needs a new persecutor, so she can still be a victim- and she chooses YOU, Mr. White Knight, as her persecutor. It only had to happen to me once, for me to learn this. Pain has truly been my most patient teacher, teaching long after any other teacher would have quit, teaching lessons so thoroughly I never again forget the lesson.

  5. Frank says

    “Because a woman who’s demanding is actually testing you to see whether or not you’re stronger than she is. She wants you to stand up for yourself and speak your mind.”

    Suzanne. Wow. You are so da.. smart. The Red Pill community calls this “shi.. testing”, and women do it ALL THE TIME. And they aren’t conscious of it. If a man wants a happy marriage, he has to learn to deal with sh.. testing, just like you say.

    The best time to deal with sh.. testing is early in the relationship. Allow her one such test, per week. If, for example, she asks you to hold her purse, just say no. If she goes beyond that, it means she has no confidence or trust in you. Ghost her. Break off all contact. If she does get you on the telephone, be incoherent, be a weak soy boy, that she won’t want to stay with. Always let her break it off, that way it’s final. If you try to break it off, openly, she will take a nasty revenge, up to and including false rape accusations. So, think like women do- deviously, hard to predict. Ask yourself intelligent questions. What could you say and do, that would totally turn her off? Do that. NEVER tell anyone what you are doing; intel is safest when it is compartmentalized.

    If you are married to her, and have kids, it is not as easy. Learn to distract her, into more interesting stuff. Bring up pleasant memories. Play for time. Women are like the weather, always changing, in time her currents will go in another direction. Anger usually doesn’t work. Put up some solid boundaries around your sense of self.

    Why do women go with alpha bad boys? They want to be directed; they want their hair yanked, to be taken with passion, they want the emotional currents of slight fear, and control, and being penetrated. Some women marry the beta bucks guy for security, and have the bad boy on the side, for excitement and recreation. It’s more common than you know. I remember seeing paternity studies in a part of England, when DNA testing first became possible. In one community, 30% of the children of married couples were not the biological children of the man. They shut down that study, knowing that if the word got out, there would be violence.

    Women who play like this all think they can tame bad boys, too. That is their fantasy, you see it in Romance novels as a plot. On those rare occasions when they do tame the bad boy… they lose interest. Mostly. I saw a very conservative woman in a relationship with a bad boy, who had a criminal record. She didn’t care about that. He clearly treated her just roughly enough to excite her, but not roughly enough to hurt her. They actually had a loving relationship, even if he was on a court order to be drug-tested frequently. She drove the car; if a cop stopped him, looking him up pulled up a lengthy rap sheet, and there were delays. He worked in manual jobs, roofer, and so on. He wasn’t a bad fellow, didn’t really intend people harm, he was just a bad boy, and she was one of the most satisfied women I’ve seen in my life. She never sh.. tested him, either, that I saw.

    Remember that movie Hair, that did the play? The beautiful woman was with a beta guy, rich like her… but the bad boy, Berger, interests her more. Classic.

  6. Liu says

    Choose your battles, lads. Is this the hill you want to die on, as Marines say? Sometimes it is. Then defend your position. Women have zero respect for men who don’t set limits, none.

  7. Spencer says

    The best time to say “no” to a woman is early on. When you are with a prospective spouse, or girlfriend, get her talking. Listen carefully, notice her body language, use all of your senses to pick up what she’s saying. Don’t judge; listen. Listen like your life depended on it. Calibrate your intuition by listening to divorcees. Notice their energy, facial expressions, and so on. Listen to nasty women speak, especially when they are trying to be nice. Get a lot of baseline comparables. Black people, hispanics, all know who is sleeping with whom, long before there is any news. Why? Because they calibrate. A director in my office, promoted when Clinton was president- and any woman could get a supervisory position, with or without qualifications- had an affair with a lawyer on staff. From at least 1991 on. Do you really think any women in that office didn’t know about it? Not all the men know, but all the women know, and have known for a long time. Now that director has a nasty temper, and is a screamer. Women hate supervisors like that. But the director thinks nobody knows about it. Yes, the director, and the attorney, are both married to other people. And they find excuses to meet clients, at their offices, and, well, take their time coming back. Attorneys have to account for their time. That attorney has some quirky time records. That director got divorced, from her first husband. She was with a boyfriend who thought of her as a bridge girlfriend, you know, in between the real thing. He dumped her. She has since remarried. Her new husband knows nothing about it. Every married person I’ve ever known, who had an affair, thought they could conceal it. And none of them succeeded. I couldn’t handle balancing the lies, but some people welcome the challenge. I only worked in that office for a year and a half. I keep up with people I knew there. The attorney’s wife doesn’t know about all this, and neither does the director’s husband. I wonder how long that will last.

  8. David says

    If you are a man, you need to say “no” early and often, to women. In the USA, you will need to reject 95% of the women you deal with. Feel your gut. If you get any nervous feelings, about a woman, get out of her space, and never return.

    For those few you might get involved with- define your space. If you don’t, she will walk all over you. They are testing you.

  9. Len says

    I grew up in the South. Some years ago. I saw the Civil Rights movement. My ancestors are Scots. Black people, particularly black men, were extremely sensitive, observant, even intuitive. They had to be. For a black person of that time, they had no idea what whites were about. They might get a Triple K kleagle, they might get someone who was somewhat tolerant of blacks, and they might get someone who wished them well. But white people didn’t come with labels, or signs. Blacks had no choice but to be extremely aware, for their own safety. Emmett Till was famous. There were a number of unknown Emmets, too. It didn’t take many lynchings to make blacks nervous.

    I find men in our country becoming more and more like those black people. They lynch men with the same false accusations that show up in To Kill a Mockingbird. Women don’t come with signs or labels, either. One might have a vicious SCUM feminist [Society for Cutting Up Men; one tried to kill Andy Warhol], who plans to do violence to men. Another might be sort of tolerant of men, and drunk on resentment only sometimes. A third might seek a husband, and be totally committed, and loving. But how to know? I see men withdrawing more and more from the company of women. There are men who refuse to rescue women in bad situations. They know they can be charged for helping women. Man-shaming isn’t working any more. Google it, it has happened. A British guy refused to pull a small girl out of a street with heavy traffic. Why? Because even touching that child in that situation is punishable. It didn’t take many lynchings, to make men nervous. We have only to look at the recent Supreme Court hullabaloo, to see an attempted lynching.

    My parents told me to cultivate all people, and learn from them. This was useful advice. People who inflict random violence are generally sociopaths, or even psychopaths. This is a good description of the feminists I’ve dealt with. They claim to be many things. I’ve learned not to limit my awareness to listening. I watch what people actually do. I watch what feminists do. The vast majority are best avoided. The percentage of feminists who wish harm to men is much higher than the open racists of the old South. Men are getting more and more aware. Survival is a nice thing, and it motivates personal growth. I run my femdar during my waking hours. I avoid them. They are generally poisonous, in my experience. That’s enough. Now that race relations are better in the South, I can talk to black people, and learn from them.

  10. Medicine Spider says

    How to say “no” to a woman?

    1. Read the many postings on the web about false rape accusations.
    2. Speak with a guy 80 years old, who can’t find a good place to live, because 20 years ago his girlfriend got revenge by claiming he assaulted her, and put him on the sexual offenders’ registry.
    3. Talk to recently divorced guys, about how their wives cheated on them repeatedly, and they still have to pay over half their income in child support and alimony, and they aren’t allowed to see their kids.
    4. Realize, “there, but for the grace of God, and my own self-control, go I”, and make decisions accordingly.

    Then start listening to your guts. Silence your mind. Look at any woman on the street, and feel what you feel, in your lower abdomen. Notice how at least 90% of them feel really, really bad, like you don’t even want to smile at them in the street. Recognize that for 90% of human history, people listened to their guts, because that kept them alive. Like Jordan Peterson says, let an avatar get involved with that woman, and run the relationship forward a year, in your mind. How do you feel? She’s f…ing crazy, isn’t she, I mean scream at you, lie to the cops, make your life hell, crazy. Make your avatar universe more realistic, by getting older men talking. Notice the detail. Then you realize that those women in the bars are as dangerous as a wolverine. A grizzly bear weighing 500 lbs will not mess with a 50 pound wolverine. Why? The bear might be able to kill a wolverine. Eventually. The Wolverine will get a good bite on the bear’s nose, rake the snout with its forward claws, and try to rip out the bear’s throat with it’s hind claws. Bears know better. And smart men know better than to mess with women in bars. Most of them are crazy, sober. And with alcohol? Men have a crazy scale of 1-10. Women’s equivalent scale runs 4-10, because there are no women under 4, on that scale. And you’re going to risk your life with something like that? Your imagination can take care of your short term needs. If you need kids, get established, get experience, and wait till you are 30. Men under about 30 tend to be stupid, and make stupid decisions, sober, and much worse decisions drunk. A really good woman, and a few exist, will be looking for a really good man. If you aren’t that man, you are crossed off the list.

  11. Ernest says

    The best time to say no to a woman, is up front. If she doesn’t have 80% of what you’re looking for, dump her [DTB]. If you do get involved, have very clear boundaries. You might help with housework- on your standards, not on hers. You might cook- what you cook. If she wants to oversee, great, she can take the job over. Clearly define what is not acceptable. If she gets into a snit, over some small point, and goes home- delete her number on your cell phone, and never call her again. If she calls to ask what happened, you can say “Gee, I thought you wanted to end it. The behavior you showed is a clear indication of that. I understand. Thanks for our time together. I wish you the best.” Or better yet, don’t answer, block out her number. You know that one irritating thing about her, that you have to grit your teeth on? It won’t improve. Women do not improve themselves. It will get worse, much worse. Dealing with women is more and more risky. Cut your losses early, and move on.

  12. Jermaine says

    The best way to say no to a woman is to ghost her before you even meet her. Unless she has some truly outstanding characteristics. A woman full of poisons she injected into herself isn’t worth knowing, or having anything to do with. They can’t make false accusations against you, if they don’t know who you are.

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