In the #Metoo Era, the Thrill of the Chase Is Gone

This article was originally published at The Washington Examiner.

It appears the lyrics to the holiday hit song, ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside,’ which tell a story about a man who tries to persuade his date not to risk the journey home in bad weather but to stay with him instead and have one more drink, are so upsetting that a radio station in Ohio has pulled the song from its Christmas lineup.

“The world we live in is extra sensitive now, and people get easily offended. But in a world where #MeToo has finally given women the voice they deserve, the song has no place,” says Glenn Anderson, a morning host at the Star 102 station.

“It wasn’t really our decision,” another host added. “It’s the decision of our listeners.”

And yet, a poll on the station’s Facebook page showed a majority of respondents didn’t want the song banned—suggesting the radio station, not its listeners, were the ones offended.

There is nothing wrong with the song ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside.’ It beautifully encapsulates the natural male-female dynamic we find in all great love stories, where the man pursues the woman, and the woman enjoys being pursued and exercises her power to say yes or to say no. But in modern-day America, male aggression in any form is verboten. Thus, the thrill of the chase is gone.

I remember my mother telling me when I was growing up that boys will try and “wear you down.” They will say anything to get some “action” from a girl, she said, and it’s her job to say no. This was perfectly reasonable advice, but today it would be viewed as an example of female oppression. Of course, it is anything but: the old standards gave women the advantage.

“Traditional mores set the default for premarital sex at “no,” at least for females,” writes Heather MacDonald in “Policing Sexual Desire. “This default recognized the different sexual drives of males and females and the difficulties of bargaining with the male libido. The default “no” to premarital sex meant that a female did not have to negotiate the refusal with every opportuning male; it was simply assumed. She could, of course, cast aside the default assumption; that was her power and prerogative. But she did not have to provide reasons for shutting down a sexual advance.”

And that is precisely the madness young women live with today. One year ago this month New York Times’ gender editor Jessica Bennett wrote an article entitled “When Saying ‘Yes’ Is Easier Than Saying ‘No.’” In it, she blames “dangerously outdated gender norms” for causing her and her contemporaries to feel awkward and embarrassed when turning men down for sex.

What a fascinating spin on reality! It’s 21st-century gender norms, not traditional gender norms, that have landed women in such an uncomfortable place. It is impossible to imagine any woman prior to 2000 claiming it’s “easier” to just have sex with a man than it is to say no to him. While certainly there are men, like the one in the song, who don’t like to take no for answer. But it was nevertheless presumed that women had the final say.

Only in an era in which sex roles have become hopelessly blurred, when neither men nor women know who’s supposed to do what, could this sexual dynamic be obliterated. If ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ does anything, it helps explain what romance looks like. It’s a great model for the younger generation to learn what it means for a woman to be wooed by a man.

What a shame they’ll ever know what it feels like.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, speaker and cultural critic known as “The Feminist Fixer.” She has authored several books to help women win with men in life and in love. Her most recent, The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage, was published in February 2017.

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  1. I grew up listening to this song. It’s catchy and easy to sing, but it always bothered me. Why was she in his house in the first place?

    When this song came out, that would nor should ever happen.

    • Her fear was others finding out. It was never “rapey” it did however show a huge concern with regards to shaming.

      It is that the choice has been made to attack all forms of male sexuality. It is that we have created a situation where he can be asserted an abuser for asking, and for not asking. It is also that we have decided that when she coerces him, it is all good.

      The “power of no” or the power to dispose, requires someone to propose. When the constant reaction to everything men have said is to say they are oppressors. When wanting to talk about fatherhood, becomes, “if he think he has any right to have a say over what grew in her body”, while still saying “he is required to provide” you have a clear message. When it has been that him making a point that any arrangement needed 2 sides, was immediately assailed as “misogynist” it has been made clear that Vilar was correct. Women have as a group made a choice to destroy the social contract, and at the same time make it clear they have no interest in any notion that men have their own interests. I say as a group, because feminism has claimed to be the voice of women, and there has been exactly 2 groups allowed to speak, traditionalist women who want men to return to the old ways, and feminists who want men to elevate them without any consideration. That is, there has been no interest in wondering about men or boys. Women are as a consequence seen as not caring when men or boys are sexually assaulted, not caring about the destruction of the education of boys, or the drugging of boys. They have done nothing to create a sense they seek to come to a place where the changes that are needed to reflect new society and technology are taken into account at all. This is to say, both sides appear to wish to dictate to men, and any man who speaks, is in essence told he is a misogynist. Traditional marriage can only be seen through the context of how it would be adjudicated in a court of law. Men already know that fathers have been asserted disposable -so well, why would they chase, even if it were not for metoo, this would be dying. Note, when it has been made clear women do not care when it is a man who is forced or coerced into sex, a woman wounding a man is a reason to celebrate, well, what did you expect?

      Do all women feel this way ? Of course not, but it only matters what you show men. It only matters if you are prepared to hold other women to account as you demand men hold other men to account. It only matters when you are prepared to look at the reality the CDC reveals in terms of forced to penetrate, and how that has been removed from the debate. It only matters, when you will look and be upset when 89% of the sexual interference in Juvenile detention is done by female staff, and that we were ignoring that by choice.! So what are we ignoring in schools? Why is it ok to drug boys instead of having active recess? Why is it ok, to remove all the books that we know (good research) will help them to read. Seriously, young men have reason to think women do not care, the reality of the presentation, from the point of view of young men, is what? Seriously, how often do we hear from women worried about the impact on boys of fathers being removed? Of male teachers having been pushed out of the early years of education? Of female sexual predators? There are good reasons for boys to stop chasing, and metoo, merely acts as confirmation, it is a great chance for those who have been making the point to their friends to say “see, told you”.

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