The Lost Art of Courtship

This article was originally published at the Washington Examiner

In the 1950s, that oft-ridiculed era when women all over the country were purportedly miserable, marriage proposals were so common women had to turn down several potential husbands before deciding on the right one.

That was certainly the case for my mother, who was born in 1930. As a young girl, I would find countless love letters from Charlie, George, Frank—and others whose names I can’t recall—that all contained marriage proposals. They were stored in my mother’s memory box, and I would sift through them and marvel at what it was like to have so many men pining for you.

This may strike us as quaint, but in the past dating was serious business. Although it wasn’t really dating, per se. It was courtship. Courtship implies a purpose, whereas dating does not.

Sadly, courtship died in the 1960s, when a perfect storm erupted. The FDA’s approval of the birth control pill, combined with the sexual revolution—when women were encouraged to have sex “like a man”: no strings attached—permanently altered the mating dance.

With the risk of pregnancy lifted, and the ever-increasing narrative that women are just as capable of and interested in commitment-free sex, marriage proposals vanished. Why invest in lasting love if women neither want nor demand it?

And women don’t. Or at least, they say they don’t. For years women have been encouraged to avoid not only marriage but any semblance of a relationship on the grounds it will interfere with their career. And men heard that message loud and clear.

“Over and over,” notes Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist who teaches a course at Northwestern University called Marriage 101, “my undergraduates tell me they try hard not to fall in love during college, imagining that would mess up their plans.”

This new attitude women harbor—not just in college but throughout their twenties—is in large part why dating is dead, and why it has subsequently been replaced with the ‘hookup,’ which, Solomon notes, is “intended to be purely physical in nature and involves both parties shutting down any communication or connection that might lead to an emotional attachment.”

What madness! On what planet does a human being want to shut down connection? Are we no different from animals?

Sex is serious business. If we’ve learned nothing else from the #Metoo movement, we’ve learned this. If we’re no longer going to reserve sex for marriage, may we at least agree to reserve it for love?

Our marriage or romantic life represents the single most important investment we make. It determines the direction our lives will go, as well as our overall happiness and well-being. Jobs come and go, and we survive it. But we do not survive, emotionally speaking, one failed relationship after another.

As of this writing, 51% of Americans between the ages of 18-34 is unattached. These men and women need purpose in their dating lives. They need courtship, which is simply dating with an end goal: marriage. But they’ve not been taught how to date. “’Hooking up,'” adds Solomon, “has all but replaced traditional, old-school dating rituals.”

Indeed it has, and it’s time we changed that.

Below are 8 dating rules for women who want to date with purpose.

  1. Let him chase you. If the goal is marriage, don’t be the hunter—be the hunted. Too many women jump into the male role and then wonder why their relationships don’t work out. When a guy is “into” you, you will know it. If the guy you like isn’t the one doing the chasing, if he doesn’t think you’re the best thing since sliced bread and doesn’t move mountains to go out with you, he’s not your man. Watch the film “He’s Just Not That into You,” and it’ll all make sense.
  2. Don’t offer to pay. Offering to pay your half of the date cheapens the experience and makes it feel no different from two friends grabbing a bite. A date is supposed to be different. Just because you’re capable of paying your way doesn’t mean you should. Since the guy (presumably, as per Rule #1) asked you out, let him pay. Learn to receive graciously.
  3. Never have more than two drinks. The purpose of a date is to get to know the other person, and you can’t do that if you’re drunk. I also want you to follow Rule #6, and it will likely be broken if you have that third drink. How many women do you know who hook up with guys while they’re sober? Exactly. So be smart, and stop at drink two.
  4. Dress and act like a lady. Don’t be the fun, drunk party girl. A man will date—he’ll certainly have sex with!—the party girl, but he won’t marry her. Party girls are the women guys date until they find the one who’s marriage material. Be that girl.
  5. Don’t tell the men you date how smart and successful you are. Men don’t care how smart and successful you are. It’s not that they aren’t interested in what you do for a living, but they will notice if your career is your life. That’s not a selling point. Instead, talk more about your values and your dreams and your interests. And focus on him rather than on you. That shows you have room for him in your life.
  6. Don’t have sex with him on the first, second or twentieth date. It is very rare for a couple to establish a healthy, lasting marriage or relationship if the sex came first. If the goal is lasting love, having sex with a guy before the relationship has been established and is exclusive will not get you where you want to go. Focus on creating the bond first. The love comes first, and the sex comes later. And love doesn’t happen overnight.
  7. Give him space (and live your own life in the meantime). Never begrudge a man who wants to spend time alone or with his friends. It’s a great sign if he can do these things, and you should do them, too.
  8. Move on if he can’t commit. A great rule of thumb for deciding when it’s time to jump ship is that if your guy hasn’t proposed by the middle of year two, he’s probably not going to. Too many women waste years of their lives thinking they can talk a boyfriend into marriage or hope he’ll change his mind down the road. Women who master the 8 dating rules don’t have to talk man into anything. He’ll be dying to marry you.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Compatibility and “chemistry”, which is really magnetic attraction, in relationships, are usually not discussed. You just feel magnetic attraction. Or, you feel incompatibility. They can’t be faked, or, usually, changed. So we spend time on self-improvement, presentation, and the other parts of selling our romantic and sexual services to possible partners. Dating advice is designed for the more difficult sales. They’re not the same thing. They define an energy state between two people.

    Compatibility is the harmony of lifestyle choices and values between two people. A priest and a stripper may have a major incompatibility, for example. It is what parents used to use, in helping their children select potential mates. It is the long-term potential between two people. High compatibility between people means similarities in lifestyles and values. Educated and liberal people usually date other educated and liberal people. Hedonists usually date other hedonists. Insane religious nuts usually date other insane religious nuts. May I say that I enjoy some insane people, especially when I want to explore outside of consensus reality. People of opposite moral values tend to repel each other.

    Chemistry, or magnetic attraction, is emotional connection. It can show up such that one person brings out warm, fuzzy emotions in the other, with a feedback loop makes them feel better and better. You might talk until the sun comes up and not even feel like an hour went by. Your heart might beat faster when the phone rings, hoping it is them. Some might call it love, or passion, or electricity.
    Your dopamine receptors engage in a neurological orgy of starry-eyed dreaminess. When you’re together — which is all the time and never enough — is dominated by whispers of sweet nothings, liberal use of the ‘L’ word, and a disgusting level of cuddling that nauseates all persons within a 20-foot radius.

    What creates it? It might be the way someone laughs at jokes, questions they ask you about your day, the way you hold each other, and so on. You almost become empaths for one another.

    The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two people have pathologies that complement one another.” He was only half joking. High levels of chemistry usually come from opposite yet complementary qualities in people. A girl who is intense, energetic and slightly neurotic may have a high degree of chemistry with a guy who is relaxed, mellow and open. Introverts may have natural chemistry with extroverts. People who are orderly and intense planners may work best with people who are spontaneous and unorganized. It can be a coming together of two beings in one super-entity.

    Lack of chemistry simply results in a lack of emotional intensity. Lack of chemistry means boring, emotionless sex. Lots of it means intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes you to forget the bounds of your physical body.

    Compatibility and chemistry don’t necessarily always occur together. High compatibility but little chemistry may be boring yet convenient meetings and conversations, perhaps leading to drifting apart, or a relationship without sparking. Chemistry without compatibility usually leads to disaster. It feels so right, but you know it’s so wrong, but you feel the energy moving in your chest. This is the classic bad boy relationship that so many younger women keep. They know the bad boy is bad for her, but just can’t stop. And some men get involved with bad girls, in the same irrational way. It is like an addiction.
    You might say, “I don’t care if he’s married to a convicted felon, we’re meant to be together,” or “Look, I know she faked being pregnant to get me to propose to her, but you know, it may just be fate, right?” while your friends all stare at you, jaws agape, unsure whether to warn you away from the abyss, or to wait patiently till they can point out the hazard signs.

    High levels of chemistry with major incompatibilities is baaaaaaaaaaad. These relationships usually begin quickly and passionately, exploding like a flaming geyser, which then extinguishes just as quickly as it began. Logic kicks in. Reality makes itself known. Perhaps one realizes how offensive you find each other. They’re addictive traps. Getting out is easier said than done. Your heart says yeeeeeeesssss!, but your head says no. Then you make your head to say yes, which in turn makes your heart say no. This is the bad boy relationship, for women, the moth that insists on jumping into teh flame. Decision making defaults to the genitals, though you know their track record for decision making is about as good as a drunk third grader’s. The consequences are inevitable; loud public arguments, unpaid drink tabs, thrown possessions, changed locks, tear-ridden voicemails, the sterile interior of an emergency room. Or, perhaps the please-don’t-give-me-a-false-positive-you-piece-of-shit-$9.99-pregnancy-test-from-7/11 experience, which is guaranteed to stress anyone. Plus perhaps with two one-way tickets to the Bahamas, contusions, slashed car tires and a shattered life. But at least that psycho is out of your life. Lately I’ve seen more married women get involved with bad boys, and throw away everything for them. Even in their 50’s. Like moths, they throw themselves into the flame.

    The experience is vicious yet so very much a peak experience. It is important to understand these, so you can DISTANCE YOURSELF from danger, before it does major damage. We do all want to ultimately end up spending your time with amazing men/women/whatever who you enjoy, and not just for sex, I mean really enjoy. It is important to be conscious of what you actually seek, what compatibility and magnetic attraction are, for you. Ask regularly, “What do I truly seek?” to open up your perception to what you truly seek. This sounds simple, and it is, and most great wisdom is quite simple. You want to have a very focused image of what you seek, so you can identify what you like and what you want in a partner. If you don’t, then cautiously gain enough experience until you do know.

    I need to be around women who are intelligent, and aware, and caring, who aren’t in constant revenge mode. I can make it 2-3 dates with a woman who isn’t this way, by numbing myself with alcohol. As I realize that only alcohol can make her tolerable, it’s time to call it off.

    I have chemistry with women who are focused, calm, driven and ambitious. Their personalities work with mine. I cannot tolerate women who complain all the time. I like women who appreciate a dark, sarcastic wit, thoughtful surprises, and are very giving and caring. I regularly find myself seeing teachers, nurses, social workers, volunteer workers, etc. multiple times and sometimes having a serious relationship with them. One that is totally focused on family, and long term commitment, is the one I will have commitment to.

  2. I would add:

    1. Learn meditation. Learn to stay in that state. Stay OUT of the usual emotionally reactive state most American women are in. Why? Because you will scare him away. A peaceful woman can handle crying babies for the fourth night in a row. A woman who goes into emotional overload because a spider dropped from the ceiling cannot handle the stress of marriage.

    2. Many of the above rules boil down to staying in your polarity. Yes, you can have and express opinions. Yes you can make your own decisions. If you get into his Yang polarity, you will repel him, just like the positive pole of one magnet repels the positive pole of another magnet. If you want a gigolo, get a gigolo. If you seek a husband, one who will support you, then stay in your polarity, coming out only as necessary.

    3. Be useful. Maybe his aunt died, or some major stress came up. How could you be quietly supportive? Yes, this matters.

    4. He already knows he can’t share his deepest thoughts with you. He knows you’ll go crazy hearing them. He knows he has to keep up a wall, and never show you his weakness, his doubts, his shortcomings. He knows he has to maintain a facade. Or… can he? Does he know that you won’t take small issues, and throw them back in his face for the next 50 years, like so many women do? The worst irritations are small, and often repeated. How many such irritations do you generate? How could you stop generating them?

    5. Be easy to please. If you ignore everything else, at least do this one. Women who are difficult to please are difficult for men to stay with. Simple courtesies matter, a lot. Remember “thank you”, and so on. If he does something that gives you a good feeling, GIVE FEEDBACK, so he knows.

    6. He cannot read your mind. he cannot understand your body language, or your hints. He understands clear, unemotional, spoken or written language, that CLEARLY SPELLS OUT what you seek. Down the road he may expand. If you confuse him by getting upset because he didn’t read your mind, you drive him away. Men are from Mars, WOmen are from… hell. Wasn’t that the title? This book talks about men’s and women’s language. Yes, it is very real. YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, and your perception of the world IS NOT HIS. Imagine a Zen master saying to you, “patience. Go to your heart. Explain. Move when it feels right. Speak clearly, without irritation. Anger is poison; peace is power.”

    • Be easy to please. That is powerful. Women don’t understand that yes, they are replaceable. Men are very aware of the energy cost to maintaining a relationship. Where the energy cost is low- as with a woman who is easy to please- they will stick around. Men are creatures of habit, and like water, will seek the easy path. It costs more energy to change a path. Most people take the easier path.

      The critical part of a relationship, for a man, really critical, is the threshold where it is cheaper in energy cost to get the heck out of a marriage, than to stay in it. When a woman is high maintenance- really think about that word, I hear it often- a man will have a thought about replacement cost. Men who have brains, that is, who are over say 28 or so, look carefully at the energy costs of being married. Does the woman bitch all the time? That is a high energy cost. Even a really hot woman, who is fantastic in the bedroom, may just not be worth the cost, if she bitches all the time. Remember, Hugh Hefner had some 10s, but he also replaced them often.

      Women do not understand that their SMV, Sexual Market Value, their probability of finding a good mate, is directly and completely related to their relative energy cost, over time. Here’s an example. Men rate beauty, I mean heart-centered, loving beauty, as opposed to the toxic glamor of what the cosmetic companies talk about, on a sale of 1-10. 1 might be say severely diseased. Such a woman might have a very good heart, but she’s not really a prospect for marriage. Then men rate crazy (this is an inverse of the rating for a really good mother and wife over time). This is rated on a scale of say 5-10. There are no women under a 5, on that scale. Oh, wait, outliers, unicorns, mermaids, fairy godmothers, you know, might actually exist. I have actually met women over 60 who were under a 5 on this crazy scale, but they got that way over time, based on focused long term effort, they didn’t start out that way. Men over 27 know that if they can find a woman who is say a 2-3 on that scale, for crazy, it is time to put the ring on it, get it off the market immediately, and commit to it totally, even if she’s only a 6 on the hot scale. But men over 27 also know that only in the 5-6 range for crazy can functional wives be found. Women above a 6 on the crazy scale may be fine for bad boys, who love taking risks, to plow, in an evening, for a pump and dump, or pop and drop, but they are best avoided for everything else- for relationships, at work, anywhere. The courts are extremely anti-male, and men work this into their accounting of risk. A 9-10 on the hot scale is generally not a good prospect for marriage. She has been treated like a princess all her life. She lives a charmed life. Cops don’t give her tickets. She gets free stuff. Mechanics give her discounts. She cannot handle the stress of pregnancy, much less the stress of nursing, and caring for a baby. She will play around. Remember the story of the princess and the pea? She felt the pea through 20 mattresses, and had trouble sleeping as a result, which proved she was a true princess, a 10 on our scale? This is not a good woman to take risks on.

      The ideal range for a wife on the hot scale is 5-8. She is still attractive. She probably has a good heart, which means she will actually improve on this scale, over time. Yes, the scale is not static. I’ve seen women at a 5 on the hot scale, who, with careful love and nurturing, and loving attention, over time, from a committed husband, turned into 9’s. You see, single women are not born good mothers, or wives. Good mothers, and wives, become that way, over time, based on clear intent realized in action. A man knows that a good wife is like buying a young tree, at the garden store. You want a strong, sturdy sapling, that looks healthy, has energy, and is otherwise a good prospect. You take the sapling home, plant it where it gets a lot of sun, water it, care for it, and it grows into a strong tree. If you get a sickly sapling, it probably won’t do well- the energy cost of growing it is higher. Men know that considering a feminist for marriage is like considering a sapling that is almost dead. It might be possible to revive it, with far more care than a healthy sapling needs. It might be possible to get some sickly kind of growth, with a massive expenditure of energy. But it’s just not a good prospect, to roll the dice of half his assets, and half his income, on. I made the mistake, once, of explaining this in person to a woman, who asked me for advice, and seemed open to accurate feedback. I will never make that mistake again. It was as if I had woken a demon in her, she almost breathed fire, to hear this. And she had actually asked for advice.

      Lads, when women ask for advice, tell them what they want to hear- unless you know you can trust them with your life. Women prefer comfortable, soft lies, that tell them they don’t need to work on themselves, somebody else will do all the dirty work, they can sit and watch the soaps eating bonbons and still get the Latin lover approach when hubby comes home, they don’t need to take the weight off, tattoos really do improve their attraction to men rather than making men want to throw up, toxic cosmetics don’t poison their liver, they can subsist on junk food and still be healthy, they don’t need to exercise, men will throw themselves at her feet even with the extra 100 pounds on her, the purple hair, the tattoos, the apartment in disorder, she doesn’t want to work on anything, they can be total bitches and not destroy love, and so on. That’s why they go for the bad boys. The bad boys lie about everything, and they eat it up. You have to see this to believe it.

  3. But you only want a small percentage of guys to “court” you. The others? You don’t even say NO to them; You act like petulant children, giving them wrong phone numbers, ghosting them, having OTHER PEOPLE take care of the problem.

    Guys just got sick of the crap. Ladies, you want men to court you? Be worthy or courting first and foremost.

  4. For pity’s sake you can’t destroy men with MeToo, and feminism, etc. and then turn around and say things like “Let him chase you”.

  5. There are those today who think that only genitals differentiate men and women. It is hard to believe anyone could be that unobservant, but ideology really can blind people to facts that can be clearly observed in daily life. Jokes like the below would not be possible, if there weren’t significant differences between men and women.

    Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, “… And what’s that supposed to mean?”
    Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

  6. The one common element to each of your rules is respect- for other, and for self. No healthy marriage, or relationship, is possible without respect. The major problem in our society today is the militant, addictive, angry, short-sighted, cruel, vindictive absence of respect. Respect is where successful society starts. Nothing creative is possible without respect. From respect grows rapport. From rapport grows trust. Can you really imagine a successful relationship without rapport and trust? From rapport grows communication. Marriage, and any couple, are an example of a system, as in systems theory. A system, or relationship, without communication, is not a system. There is a very simple reason for this. No communication means no feedback. Feedback is what allows people to maintain and improve the system. From communication grows cooperation. Can you really imagine a married relationship without cooperation? Cooperation is how humans survive. We live in a culture which is addictively, stupidly, blindly, energetically, ideologically, divided, because these simple rules of any healthy society are not followed. The only way to cure it is to practice it oneself. I would add another rule. Absolutely no bitching. Bitching is a statement that the bitcher abdicates their power. Let us imagine that a wife is upset by a sock dropped on the floor. She makes an angry statement. Hubby gets upset, gets out of his rational mind, into reactive mind. Words are spoken. Rapport is lost. How many such incidents does it take, to destroy the relationship? Not many. Power comes from awareness. What you concentrate on grows- this is the observer principle, in Quantum Mechanics. Instead of focusing on the irritation, get into quiet mind. What is the desired result? Sock in laundry basket. Aha. Now, how to focus hubby’s attention on result, instead of on irritation. What about going to quiet mind, and asking from the infinite peace inside, without any blame, or anger, “What would have to happen for those socks to be in the laundry basket?” It’s just a question. But the difference is at astronomical scales. You see, if hubby receives this question, his mind immediately seeks an answer. A picture or feeling image may show up, of a sock being dropped into the laundry basket. Images become actions. Maybe the question needs to be asked a few times, but in time, it becomes an unconscious path. This is focusing on the solution, not on the problem. I was married to a woman who was totally unable to do this. She would simply get furious at everything, including most especially the stuff I had no control over, or knowledge of. She ascribed a meaning of disrespect to anything that irritated her, and she’d blow up. Living with someone like this is pure hell. I knew I had to get her out of my life. I set the intention that she would be out of my life, and the intention happened, in less than six months. My cost ended up as $600 to pay my part of the rent on the house we had signed a lease in, for six months, and I was not able to move in, and then $1,000 for the divorce. She was never able to remarry, no other man could stand her. My sister has invited me to spread her ashes in the woods, as a sort of peace ceremony, and I believe I will. We had planned to move into the house. She said she needed time there, alone. No problem, she got it. At the end of that time, which was about 5 weeks, I asked about moving in. She threatened to take a Restraining Order out on me, if I tried. She said I had to start courting her all over. I absorbed this, and realized that my intent had come true. I said nothing. It is pointless to say anything to women who operate on a hair trigger. I simply left, and never contacted her again. I “ghosted” her. You see, if she had that idea in her mind, and she operated on a hair trigger, she can do that anytime she likes, and I have no defense in court. My only defense was absolute non-contact. She got the divorce going. No kids, no mortgage, 2 years married. She had pie in the sky visions of taking half my assets, but, the cards weren’t in her favor. I never spoke to her again. If I saw her on the street, I turned away. I know she was greatly hurt by that, from others, but that’s not my problem. I had my child by a previous marriage, that I got custody of, to care for.

    So I recommend you add this to your rules. We need to express this in the positive- what we concentrate on grows. I say this as “Concentrate on the positive”. I would NOT call this “never, ever, bitch, or scream at your partner, never EVER blow up without knowing the whole story, never EVER attribute any motive to someone’s actions without them explaining their motives, NEVER ever bitch, be at peace, stay out of the conflictive mind, recognize that anger corrodes relationships. I could also say “respect self and others”, which is largely the same thing.

    I have spoken with many men, who decided to get married. The smart ones all tell me that small problems with women’s behavior rapidly become big problems. If a woman does not respect everyone [yes there are bad people, you respect bad people by avoiding them]. If a woman spends her time complaining and bitching this means she blames others for her problems, and has no “agency”, or control over her responses. It is particularly revealing to see a woman’s attitude towards children, and babies. We never see all the other person does for us, so we can never really know what “half” of the housework or anything else is. A woman who aggressively demands that a husband do “half” the housework- and then refuses to do oil changes, or contract for house repairs, or fix the leak, or paint the room, or replace the carpeting, or …. expects the husband to do all of his work, and then also “half” of hers. This is not a relationship, it is exploitation. I have heard militant feminists who got the baby hankering, who tried to find a man. Yes, they can find lesbians. I have this habit of listening when people talk. I once heard a group of women talking about being in a rape crisis center, who of course didn’t like men, but they talked in awe of the female partners of lesbians, at how much more cruel lesbian domestic violence is. They won’t publicize it, of course, since feminists will never admit that women have flaws. It is so funny to see these feminists, in their late 30’s, and even 40’s, who hear the clock ticking louder than Captain Hook hears the clock in the crocodile’s stomach, suddenly realizing they have very, very few prospects. And the few prospects they do have are, shall we say, world-wise. They are like the older stags, who know very well how to hide from deer hunters. That’s how they got to be older. Some will go artificial insemination. Cool. As long as I don’t have to pay for it, that’s fine. And then the lad is ten, wondering where his dad is. Yeah. No woman can ever fill in for that role. You can see a culture of fatherless boys, in most big cities. Go to the slums, to the street drug markets. They don’t have mature adult males to train them, they have other vicious gang members, who also grew up in fatherless homes, who have no guilt at all about killing each other. One can go to Northampton, for example, and see some of these women, who are trying to attract a mate. They want the rich guy, of course, one who has a great job, a good car, a good house, and lots of time to pay them attention. In medieval times, there was this thing of demons trying to pretend to be angels. They would have some of it right, but a fang, or a claw, was always there, because the disguise was never perfect. That’s what I see, when I see those feminists. Men are unbelievably stupid, up to maybe 28-29. Then the big head takes over from the little head, or a lifetime of pain from stupid decisions reaches critical mass, or maybe it’s the Saturn return, I don’t know. Men get smarter, after that age. Maybe it’s just seeing other men like them gutted out in divorce court, and hung up from the meat hooks to bleed out. Maybe it’s experience at seeing just how well women can conceal their negativity, and then call in the artillery on the man, in marriage, to work out all their resentment by harming innocents.

    We are largely separated from nature. Indigenous peoples walked barefoot on the earth. They knew that if they wanted to see violets, the time was May. They knew that the time to plant corn, or wheat, or grain, is in the spring, after the freezes are gone. They knew there was a season for everything. The proverb “Every pig has his St. Martin’s day” makes no sense to us. But St. Martin’s day was traditionally the butchering day, when animals that wouldn’t be kept to survive the winter were slaughtered, and their meat preserved for consumption. In my grandmother’s day, even my mother’s day, women prepared for marriage. Both my grandmother and mother were college graduates, and both worked. They prepared and trained for marriage. Men were also taught, less formally perhaps, but they were taught, by more than just good example. What is the season for a woman to seek a mate? In the old days, women were married off early, because lifespans were short. Men were older, sometimes 10-20 years older, because they had to be economically well off. Getting married in college isn’t a good idea for a man. The women there have only had artificial, controlled stress. Most men know they need to court a woman who has worked in at least one job, full time, so that she knows the value of money, and that jobs aren’t pleasant, always. They need a grounded woman, who isn’t thinking she’s Barbie, and needs allllll of the accessories, at full retail price or more. Smarter men, then, seek women you are young enough to handle the stress of pregnancy, which is a major stress. Let’s say 25 -31 years of age, is the best window, for women. Traditionally, parents liked to see their daughters married to older men. They were economically established, had gotten the craziness out of their system, and were more stable husbands. A woman can find a husband at 35, but the pickings have gotten slim. I have seen women seeking husbands for the first time when they were 40+. I am astonished. It appears they did not pay any attention to detail, pattern, or process, or anything else. Older men, of the WW II generation, have said that the main reason to get married, is to have stability to raise children in. A man can get everything else in other ways, far more cheaply, than in marriage. So, 40 is not the new 30. It never was. This is like saying Autumn is the new Spring. The mass media is almost all lies. Men over 35 have realized this. I heard my grandmother say you attract more flies with honey, than with vinegar. Deep wisdom is found in proverbs like that. Nowadays, some single women seek husbands, not full of vinegar, no, full of nitric acid, that can burn its way through just about anything. And those women who fault men for all of society’s problems…. any man with half a brain knows to ghost them before those women even see him.

    So there’s another rule for you, Suzanne: you attract more flies with honey, than with vinegar.

  7. Most rules have exceptions. There is a woman in my town. She looks 30. She is in excellent health, has not one extra ounce of fat on her, is always cheerful and pleasant, and her hair color goes down to the roots. She is ethnically French, I think, which I think is a major factor in her being hot, I mean hotter than any Hollywood star, if you’ll pardon the expression, wet dreams hot, burning fire in the gut hot. I could go on, but you get the idea. She is married (and so, off limits), and has a child, about 10 I think. What is her actual age? 56. The Bell curve is found in many areas of life. The majority of phenomena fall in the middle range. She is an outlier. Outliers do not disprove statements made about the middle range. I heard Ann Coulter say, on some women’s talk show, that the best thing single mothers could do, would be to put their children up for adoption. The products of single mothers, as detailed elsewhere on this blog and in many other places, do very much worse in life. Ann noted that 70% of criminals, and many of the psychopaths, are products of single parent families. Well, she said it to get a reaction. One woman got up to say, “Well, I was raised by a single mother, and I turned out ok.” Yes, that’s true, this woman was an outlier. If we could all be outliers, we’d all win the lottery, we’d all be millionaires, we’d all have fantastic spouses [men would have multiple spouses, perhaps, as Mormons and Muslims do], we’d all live to 120 in fantastic health, we’d all never get sick, we’d all have only the most expensive cars, we’d all live in mansions. When you look at statistics, there is a staggering amount of evidence to show that the vast majority of products of single parent households do very much worse in life. I am male, and I had to raise a daughter, by myself. It was not easy. She knew her mother was absolutely insane, as later proven by clinical diagnosis. She knew and realized that the only person who could solve her problems, and create her life, was her. And she worked hard in school, and mostly stayed out of trouble. Her first fiancée was an abusive controller. She dumped him, before the kids came along- I told you she was smart. She found a second fiancée, got married, and is deliriously happy with him. She has children now, and both parents cocoon them in love. I poured love into my little girl, whenever I could, to make up for her mother’s insanity (and my own insanity for ever getting married to her mother- in college- there’s a lesson for you, lads, don’t marry women in college, you don’t know them till they’ve been under stress, and college is not very stressful). My daughter did not invite her mother to the wedding, and currently has no contact with her mother. Her mother is diagnosed bipolar, and other terms I can’t remember, but there were several. My daughter has told me she works very hard to make her relationship work, because she doesn’t ever want to put her children through what she went through, due to divorce.

  8. “What madness! On what planet does a human being want to shut down connection? Are we no different from animals?”

    I believe you are using an incorrect metaphor. Many animals do mate for life. Some birds do, for example.

    Native Americans of North America said they learned how to live, from civilized animals- notably the wolf, which is far more civilized than humans. Wolves do not kill for sport, for example. They live in packs. Let us recall the stories of humans raised by wolves. Entre Lobos, a Spanish movie, talks about a Spaniard who lived with wolves, as a youth, as an equal. Romulus and Remus were allegedly raised by wolves, and wolf children are known in parts of India. The wilderness skills instructor Tamarack Song lived and hunted with a wolf pack, for a time, basically apprenticing with them. His books reflect an awareness and respect for nature that few humans can equal. This was not that unusual, among Native Americans. The chickadee, for example, is always cheerful, even when a storm approaches, and to a native American, they teach the lesson to be cheerful. All animals offer lessons in awareness, when studied. The dysfunctional behavior that humans engage in can be found among animals- that are in zoos, and cut off from the healthy flow of nature. One of Mr. Song’s Ojibwa elders, a teacher, taught him to experience trees with all of his senses. Humans engage in some very reprehensible behavior, at times, and one reason for that is that they are cut off from nature. I am not aware of any animals that become fanatics about ideologies that don’t work, and work hard to force them on others. I can’t remember the philosopher who said that all evil begins with the desire to force others to follow one’s own ideas. Feminists have an ideology that doesn’t work, it doesn’t “sell”, so they seek legislation to force it on people. All hierarchies become tyrannical.

  9. Here is another rule for you, Suzanne: replace anger with patience. Most people mean well. You cannot know people’s motivations, you can only know their behavior. Train yourself to stay in the moment, and to shut down reaction, and replace it with observation, and awareness.
    10 words spoken from love are worth more than 10,000 words spoken from impatience, or anger.

    And another rule: people will often perform up to, or down to, your expectations of them. See the best in them. Do you remember those people that could only see your bad side? And were always critical? Didn’t you just want to get away from them as fast as you could? And then the people who could only see your good side- didn’t you just bask in that positive attention, and want to be in it?

    What you concentrate on grows. Energy flows where attention goes, and what you concentrate on grows. If you concentrate on the negative, you get more of it. Concentrate on the positive- with thanks, appreciation, smiles, and so on- and you get more of it.

  10. High grade women are worth courting, committing to for a lifetime, marrying, blessing in relationship, and living a full life with.

    Low grade women… clearly are seeking guidance, on the advantages of being a high grade woman.

    Feminists are drunk on hatred and resentment. For those men considering a relationship with a feminist, what you need are two 4 x 4 pieces of wood. Join the wood in a cross shape. Plant the longer end in the ground, securely. Then get three foot long spikes, and a mallet. To make it easier for her, you can put a black magic marker “x” on the palms of both hands, and on the center of your feet.
    Painkillers might be useful. To complete the ceremony, you can also get a Roman pilum. I have talked with men who were married to feminists. The courts of the Office of the Holy Inquisition were far more generous, and kind, than the court of the Office of the Feminist Inquisition. The Dominican monks who tortured prisoners of the Inquisition had nothing on feminists, either. For the Dominicans, it was an unpleasant job. Feminists enjoy every minute of the job. Don’t believe a word I say- talk to men who were involved with feminists.

  11. Never have more than two drinks. The purpose of a date is to get to know the other person, and you can’t do that if you’re drunk. I also want you to follow Rule #6, and it will likely be broken if you have that third drink. How many women do you know who hook up with guys while they’re sober? Exactly. So be smart, and stop at drink two.

    Suzanne, I respectfully disagree with you. Two drinks may be enough to put a blood alcohol over 0.08.
    Some women cannot handle liquor well at all. The word “beer goggles” comes to mind. And the stories of men who went to bed with a 10 at 2 AM, only to wake up at 10AM with a two.

    Courtship requires clear perception. Alcohol does not assist with clear perception. Two drinks are enough to wipe out any inhibition on drinking. Alcohol is not a great place to start a relationship. I have divorced two women, who after two drinks were raving rabid raunchy fiends from hell. I dated another woman- not for long- who went nuts after one drink.

    Alcohol is poison for long term committed relationships.

  12. Dress and act like a lady.

    This is good advice. OK. Even better is to dress the way his female relatives dress, unless the guy doesn’t get along with them.

  13. Give him space (and live your own life in the meantime)

    You need to spell this out, Suzanne, for today’s women. This means:

    1. Not texting him every two minutes on an evening he’s not with you, to ask what he’s doing.
    2. Not accusing him of seeing other women, when you have absolutely no evidence he is.
    3. Respecting him enough to give him that space, freely.
    4. Not screaming at him bitterly for pursuing a hobby, instead of putting all his free time and some of his work time to the relationship.
    5. Recognizing that men are creatures of inertia, and gently, gently guiding him, instead of screaming at him when he doesn’t put the ring on your finger on the second date, or bitterly accusing him of something with no evidence of this.
    6. Knowing that if you give him his space, and time, he always comes back to you, whereas if you demand he spend all his time with you, you drive him away.
    7. Staying in your own polarity, knowing that is more powerful than anything else you can do.
    8. Welcoming him when he comes to you, appreciating anything he does, and not going psycho on him because he didn’t bring you roses on your birthday.

  14. Act like a lady, you said.

    The essence of this is respect for self, and others. You might even ASK the guy
    what his idea of respectful behavior is, and how you would interact with him respectfully.
    When he gets over the shock of hearing a woman asking how to be respectful to men, he may tell you some extremely useful information, that would be useful for a lifetime.

    Another thing. You CANNOT read his mind. You can observe what he does, but you CANNOT read his mind. You don’t know anything unless you ask, respectfully.

    All those subtle hints you think he can’t miss? If he’s under 50, he missed them.
    TELL HIM PRECISELY WHAT YOU SEEK. This is respectful. Expecting him to read your mind is grossly disrespectful, and really, really puts him off. A relationship is COMMUNICATING CLEARLY. That means you spell it out. No, he doesn’t understand subtle hints. If you blow up at him over nothing, you destroy the relationship. Seek to understand, FIRST, and then seek to be understood.
    You can always say, “I didn’t understand that gesture. I want to understand you. What was the meaning of that?”, without resentment.

    When I was in college, a guy on my dorm floor went out with a woman. They had sex, and then she said she was looking for a husband. The guy respectfully told her he wasn’t seeking a wife, and did not lead her on from that.

    Do not discuss your relationship with feminist friends. They will be jealous, and will try to hurt you, him, or the relationship.

    In the old days, only noble women were “ladies”, just as only high class men were “gentlemen”. As the ladies have vanished, so have the gentlemen. Lady nowaday means nobility of character.

  15. There is nothing more frustrating than a woman playing the game of “guess what you did to upset me today”. That destroys intimacy. I asked that woman, “I have no idea. What was it?” Her response was, “If you don’t know, you must not love me.” I thought about it, and said to myself, “Gee, I don’t know, so I must not love her. So I better break this one off now.” And I did.

  16. Oh, Suzanne, you old fashioned person: Let him chase you.
    .
    Years ago, the tax assessor in town, a single woman in her 40’s, had a date, in the evening. She evaluated his house that day, and raised his taxes, based on some technicality. They went out to dinner. She dominated the conversation, she controlled all of it, she criticized him personally, and was, to my mind, very controlling. Now here’s a surprise: he never called her again. She stayed single. She called him, and he always had reasons why he couldn’t meet her.

  17. I would add another rule. Find women who have kept a marriage together for at least two decades, who are cheerful. Ask them for advice. The soldier who has walked the battlefield knows a lot more than the commander does. You won’t copy them exactly. Some of their tips will be invaluable.

    Along with this, pick your most argumentative, negative friend, the one who is always going on about how this guy hurt her, she is being discriminated against in her job, the mechanic overcharges you, you know the type. Cut her out of your life. She is draining your energy, and poisoning you. You are doing her a favor: giving her feedback on what she is doing. Take the bitter, hateful feminists in your life, also. I didn’t need to add the adjectives, I guess. Reduce your contact with them. They are pure poison, and despite their ideology, they have a reptilian brain jealousy of you, and will cause problems.

    Quit reading romance novels. They are porn for women, and they poison one’s mind, with unrealistic expectations. Deal with the real world. Mistaking fantasy for reality used to put people in psycho wards. Nowadays it gets them space in the media, instead.

    Take time to develop yourself spiritually. Help others when you can. Volunteer. This will open up your heart to love, like nothing else.

    If you show him all kinds of interest, before marriage, and through your first pregnancy… and then lose interest in him, after your child/children are born, he will be greatly disappointed, and will not put much energy your way. He is not Prince Charming, and the princes of old weren’t Prince Charming, either. He is a human being. Great husbands become that way over a decade, at least, with careful nurturing of love, appreciation, cooperation, respect, and a bit of mystery. Bad husbands get that way with wounds, from hatred, resentment, competition, gross disrespect, and the sure knowledge that things will only get worse. Decide up front which you want to have, and behave accordingly, in a very focused way.

  18. Suzanne, you put this rule: Don’t tell the men you date how smart and successful you are.

    You are so very correct. Will Rogers once said that if companies would spend their money on improving their products, instead of advertising, they wouldn’t need to advertise their products. This applies to relationships.

    Never EVER tell anyone how smart you are. Prove it, by doing very smart, respectful, intelligent things. They will notice.
    Never tell ANYONE how successful you are, well unless you are at a high school reunion, and you want to dis that person who used to dump on you in high school, and you’ll never see them again. PROVE you are successful.

    Far better is to help that man you’re interested in gradually discover, by direct observation, just how smart, intelligent, successful, loving, committed, caring, respectful, wise, shrewd, perceptive, and observant you are.

    A woman who has to always talk about how successful and intelligent she is projects the image that she is very worried about not being successful and intelligent.

  19. Suzanne, you talked about “The Dating Project.” You said it was somewhat sad, that the social environment is like a brothel, where sex has no love, romance, or mystery attached to it. You say it’s like skipping to dessert, and wondering where the nutrition is.

    You said the entire process of dating—getting excited about someone you meet and letting him or her know via flirtation, waiting for the man to make the first move and then the woman accepts and the two go out somewhere for the evening, making the spiritual connection, enjoying the mystery and beauty of another human, is gone. Instead, young people text each other to come over and “hang out.” Then they get naked.

    Relationships and marriage are a significant part of life. But there’s no training, no rules to select the best partner, and how to maintain commitment. Anyone with awareness questions the status quo of hookup culture and the relationship ideals we are bombarded with today. Our toxic mass media operates on the big lie principle.

    1. You said that for women, being sexually “liberated” and obsessively self-reliant is allegedly better than being emotionally attached to a man. Yet we are not solitary creatures. We form superentities, of relationships. You mentioned education, employment, and marriage & relationships. Yet women have been told that marriage and relationships are peripheral to their careers. A wolfpack of five wolves can do more than 10 lone wolves. A loving couple can do more than what four single people can do. Good relationships invoke synergy. Women are indeed liberated- from common sense, from awareness, from happiness, from spiritual perception, from…. is it any wonder that women have gotten less and less happy, over the last 40 years?

    2. You said that the media states that casual sex is both normal and good. Casual sex is neither normal nor good. It’s a disaster. Men may have an easier time with it overall, but it’s ultimately unsatisfying for both sexes. It drains energy, it does not add energy. “People treat sex like it’s casual. It’s not,” notes clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson. “Sex is unbelievably complicated. It’s dangerous. It involves emotions. It involves pregnancy. It involves illness. It involves betrayal. It reaches right down into the roots of someone. You don’t play with something like that casually. Well, you can, but you’ll pay for it.”
    Jordan has his head on straight. Casual sex is like a casual train wreck. There is damage. A woman scorned, after casual sex, does not feel good. Pregnancy, disease, are but two of the consequences of casual sex. A woman with many partners picks up their DNA, from their sperm. How many women boast to men about how many partners they’ve had? Sex is a joining with another’s energy, it reaches down to the roots of the subconscious, and into the superconscious. Better sex even conceals the boundaries of one’s self, and allows one to share energy with another.

    3. You deserve the best. Never settle. Yes, Suzanne. Right. Except the best is an illusion. The heroes of romance novels exist only in the imagination. Oh yes, there’s someone better around the corner. Elsewhere on this blog, you noted a Native American exercise, where a young woman is told to take a basket and go down a line of corn, to pick only the best ears. She is not allowed to go back; she must keep going forward. Invariably, the woman gets to the end of the line with an empty basket. But Native americans care about their young women, and our society doesnt. The grass is always greener on the other side- and when you go to the other side, where you were is now the other side. All people have faults. Everyone is individual. And the best spouses get that way, over time, spent with a good spouse. They are not born from the head of Zeus, fully formed.

    Deep down, many people have a core of sadness. Purcell’s Funeral Music for Queen Mary nicely evokes this feeling. You mentioned Cecilia, who was touched, by a live being, who had a surge of emotion that made her want to cry.

    The simple truth is that everyone wants love. The path has been obscured by the extremely poisonous mass media we have. Thanks for your review of “The Dating Project”. Our mass media sells people on hate, and fear, not love. The first step in every stress management course I’ve ever taken was to CUT OFF THE TV, and media.

  20. Women like to catch the attention of a love interest. Perhaps it’s clothing, gymtime, or seeking out new areas. The best impression we can offer is to be truly, genuinely confident, respectful, and happy.

    Things to avoid include:

    Never dumb yourself down to impress someone or make them feel smarter. Men usually enjoy useful conversation, with intelligent, respectful women, who present themselves in their true self.

    Some women think it’s attractive to eat very little on a date. It probably isn’t. Being hangry won’t help.

    Some women overdo the cosmetics. “less is more.” Plus, many cosmetics are really toxic.

    Know your passions, dreams and aspirations. Project who you are. You want to repel those who don’t like who you are, early.

    Some people with genetic conditions or pronounced facial features feel more confident after small corrective procedures. Plastic surgery is expensive, with many side effects. Also, breast implants really hurt, and have to be replaced after a few years. Be who you are. There are men who like small breasts, and they tend to be nicer.

    Support systems, family members, friends, and co-workers, are important. Don’t dump them for a guy.

    Some women think men want women to act like “one of the guys” to fit in with his friends. Sure, it helps if you share some of his interests. You can still like sports, video games, and craft beers, for example, and be distinctly a woman. Pretending to be something you are not just to gain acceptance from him and his inner circle is dishonest, and not useful.

    You might meet a guy with instant fireworks, and want to hop into bed immediately. Moving slower can be respectful, as he may not be ready. Sex is strong medicine. Enter it only with total commitment. Doing it for other reasons may end up ruining things. Waiting for the right time is generally the best way.

    Never sacrifice your assets, dignity, well-being, or sense of self, to appeal to the opposite sex. Be your true self, so you attract what is attractive to you. Romance involves a chase. Presenting yourself as something other than what you are is lying. The best way to impress a man is by being confident and comfortable in your own skin. This may be the most important point, as so many women cannot do this.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: