How to Be a Woman When You’ve Been Raised to Be the Man

Some time ago, a friend of mine told me about a woman she knows who was dating a man who made less money than she did. To preserve his manhood, when they went out for dinner she would hand this man her debit card under the table so he could “pay” the bill.

In what universe is this empowering for either one of them?

That may be an extreme—albeit 100% true—example of how twisted things are today between the sexes. But it is nevertheless true that many women today have become the providers in their relationships.

They have, in effect, become men.

Indeed, we have an epidemic in America of highly educated and successful women who have a major problem: they can’t find a husband. These women want to be strong and powerful in their own right, but they want a man who’s as at least at strong as powerful and self-sufficient as they are. Preferably more. But they can’t find him.

I hear from these women regularly and often. Here’s an example:

My daughter is late 20s. Gorgeous, witty, educated, great career, owns her own home, and can’t find Mr. Right. Admittedly, she has very high standards; but the dating pool seems to be largely: divorced w/kids, betas, dumb, or generally clueless about how to treat a lady.

Here’s another:

My daughter is a high achiever. She’s a 38-year-old, well-educated (two Ivy League schools), creative, intelligent, sophisticated, loving, successful, attractive, with a model-like body, and surprisingly can’t find a desired partner. I must say she wasted many years on several senseless relationships. She is now extremely unhappy that she doesn’t have a partner and, most importantly, she wants to have children. All of her friends are married with kids. I’m clueless why she can’t find her desired partner.

The current dearth of so-called marriageable men is more a reflection of women than it is of men. Women are the relationship navigators, and they changed the game. Since the day they were born they’ve been told that femininity = weakness. In order to prove their value, they were told to shed their femininity and become strong and independent so they never need to depend on a man.

I won’t argue that this plan will cause women to get ahead in the marketplace. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.

And it has. By operating full time in their masculine, these strong and independent women aren’t attracting the masculine men they want. Where did all the good men go? they ask.

They didn’t go anywhere—they just aren’t attracted to you. Strong, confident, gainfully employed men are attracted to women who are soft, kind, and maternal. Women who like men and who need them. Women who are feminine.

The culture will tell you something different. It insists that men are intimidated by strong, independent women. But in reality, these women are unknowingly attracting their opposites.

The male-female dance is predicated on two opposing forces: one masculine and one feminine (you’ll even notice this is true for same-sex couples)—which means a truly masculine man is going to be attracted to a feminine woman, as opposed to a woman who reminds him of him.

That’s why women today can’t find a “marriageable,” or economically attractive, man. Women have supplanted the male role and can only attract men who are soft, passive, and not necessarily employed. Men who are willing to rely on a woman financially or who are happy to take a back seat in the relationship and let the woman be in charge.

The problem isn’t that women are employed. It’s that strong and successful women don’t know how to turn it off. They don’t switch gears and become the soft, kind, maternal women to whom masculine men are attracted. Instead, they walk around in their masculine all the time.

These women are governed by their fear. For any number of reasons, they don’t trust men to take care of them so they put up a forcefield. They refuse to be vulnerable. They can’t receive graciously. Ergo, they disempower men in order to feel safe.

There’s more than one reason why women do this—it isn’t always just cultural pressure. Here’s Andre Paradis of Project Equinox, who explained it well on a recent podcast:

 

At the end of the day, it is women’s unwillingness to trust men and to understand how the dance works that gets in their way. You can have love anytime you want it. But you have to put down your sword and find your feminine.

Once you do that, the kind of man you’re looking for will appear.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

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Comments

  1. Stephen Chirigotis says

    Suzanne, may you never be silenced!
    Its too late for my generation, though maybe someone amongst the younger ones will heed your words- but it will take a massive cultural change, (a revolution, if you will), to make a difference. Currently, our society appears to be headed in the opposite direction.
    I’d give you my take on it, but you need to be hearing from women…

  2. C says

    I know many wonderful, kind, highly paid “Beta” men married to also highly paid “Alpha” women.

    I’m also curious why the advice isn’t for men to earn more.

    Regardless, there are many paths to a satisfying life, for all genders.

    • John says

      Women are paid more than men, now, for the same job, often. They are harder to recruit and keep, especially for demanding jobs. And men are discriminated against, in promotions, now. Your argument is valid, for those of who know of, say, Neville Goddard/Joseph Murphy’s ideas, or even Napoleon Hill, or Tony Robbins, but these are not that well known.

  3. David says

    So refreshing to hear a woman say this. If a man says it he is often attacked on Twitter or wherever, by the kind of women who you discuss in this article.

    I’m a late thirties guy who made plenty of mistakes when I was young, I definitely had the opportunity more than once to stay with someone when I was younger, but I kept relocating to other countries. Now I feel I would like a lasting meaningful relationship, but as you say, so many women are so masculine, but on top of that, most of us just really don’t fancy women over the age of 30.

    I could fall in love with a twenty something and easily stay in love for the long haul. But I can’t fall in love with a thirty something. I wish this wasn’t the case as my life would be easier. But I can’t rewire my pulse to race for older women.

    It isn’t in most men’s evolutionary psychology to pursue older women. Younger women with more eggs remaining appear more beautiful and spellbinding to us simply because when mating with such women throughout the millions of years of evolutionary history, more offspring would have survived born to younger women than older.

    So, in a harsh Darwinian world, which is still how our brains’ are wired, any genes in men favouring attraction to younger women would survive and proliferate whereas genes in men favouring older women wouldn’t survive as often, as life expectancy may have only been about 40 for most of history so the offspring would often be much less numerous and also more likely to be orphaned.

    There has never been any evolutionary force making us desire older women over younger women. Women who know they want kids with a decent man ought to realise this and not waste their twenties all clamouring to make out with the 10% of guys who will never be able to commit simply because they don’t have to and can spread their seed as far and wide as they want, especially now with Tinder etc.

  4. Elise says

    Nee how ma? You must be studying your Chinese. Yes, the Yin- female- polarity, attracts the Yang- male- polarity. Just as the Yang attracts the Yin. You can model this with magnets. Put a north pole of one magnet, to the north pole of another magnet, and they repel each other.

    Indigenous people world-wide understand this, very well, kind of like the way breathing keeps you alive. Only Americans, and some Europeans, are so blind to something this obvious.

  5. Advo says

    Not that your article isn’t true, but it’s also true that by the time these women started looking for a man women who were more in touch with their feminine side had already reduced the pool of availables.

    When women make it to the top, it’s hard to find a mate to look up to. Women in corner offices need to do what men in corner offices always did: find a trophy. The problem is most women are biologically programmed such that they will be unhappy with that arrangement.

  6. Joe says

    Very well said. As a man who made the mistake of marrying a “strong, educated, independent woman”, I quickly got tired of hearing from her how “strong”, “independent”, “educated” and “independent” she was. I got tired of hearing how she needed to have her “Hey ! look at me !” wall of all her awards & citations posted in our home so she could admire herself and her accomplishments. I got tired of hearing how she could do everything I did around the house better than me and that I needed to do “my” chores (both housekeeping and outside chores) on HER schedule regardless of MY feelings on the matters.

    WHAT A MISTAKE ! Prior to our marriage, she “played the game” of a vulnerable, feminine, loving woman. It was not until after we were married that her teeth and claws came out and her jealousy of all other women and her selfishness evidenced itself.

    It did not take long before I found it preferable to stay late at work rather than come home to her.

    Since I don’t believe in divorce, that was not an option for me, but she eventually left me when she saw that I was losing interest in her. Probably the best thing that could happen to me.

  7. S says

    This kind of nonsense hurts women by telling them that they are undesirable and unfeminine by being educated and successful when those attributes are how women create security for themselves that offers actual, though not always sufficient, protection against abusive men who hurt them and their children. Happy couples come from happy, loving, respectful human beings who treat each other with care and consideration. There is no need to invoke gender essentialism and other anti-woman concepts to teach people how to have a happy relationship. I am well educated and have a demanding job – and have been happily married for over a decade. Please consider, genuinely, how this ideology creates women who are dependent on abusive men. This ideology is part of what gets women killed by partners when their own lack of agency and resources hampers them from leaving abusive situations. These ideas kill women and children. Please stop preaching them.

    • Linda says

      It does not create women dependent on abusive men. It creates choice for women, so they can avoid the abusers, up front. You are all ideology, and no sense. What she is saying, is correct- it is basically, pay attention to what is, not to what ideology says. If you pay attention to what is, you steer away from the abusers. And women kill a number of children, themselves. In fact, women kill a number of men- and often get away with it. FBI statistics are gerrymandered to hide this. What advice would you offer to men?

    • BJ says

      telling them that they are undesirable and unfeminine by being educated and successful
      –no. They are undesirable and unfeminine by lording their education and success over a man. This puts them out of their polarity.

      when those attributes are how women create security for themselves that offers actual, though not always sufficient, protection against abusive men who hurt them and their children.
      —-a minority of men are abusive. Sorry. And if you live in a world where all men are abusive, that is all you will find. Abusive men exist, obviously. And so do abusive women, who hurt men, and their children. I was married to two abusive women. That’s my fault, but it didn’t change the fact that they were abusive.

      Happy couples come from happy, loving, respectful human beings who treat each other with care and consideration. —-I can’t disagree with that. Well put. Problem is, American women mostly don’t do that any more. I’m not even sure they know how. Suzanne is correct in all she says

    • C says

      Yup.

      And interestingly, it’s always the people who say men are biologically predisposed to dump their 50-year-old wives for a 25-year-old that encouraged women’s dependence on those very men.

      Biology is very convenient that way.

      As long as men are unreliable marriage partners, women are wise NOT to rely on them.

  8. Cheryl says

    I think it would be best to hear from the daughters themselves. Can they not speak for themselves? Are they perhaps giving generalized vague responses to pushy parents? I have a successful, highly educated daughter who loves her job and has no intention of marrying and having children. She’s happy, content, secure, completely at ease with her life and her decisions, yet certain types of older women (women who themselves are not as educated and personally successful, who lived in the shadow of their husbands all their adult lives, who had no conversation outside of talking about their kids) are constantly harping on her status. She’s not unhappy or discontent, but these women sure are unhappy and discontent with her decisions. What gives? What makes a certain type of woman insist no one can be happy without a husband and children? It comes off as sour grapes, IMO. Nothing more bitter, resentful and angry than a woman who’s aged out of her looks and sex appeal, who is entering old-womanhood, and who has a whole lot of regrets about the roads not taken. I’ve also noticed that many of these older, complaining, critical women have spouses who’ve left or who stray often and with younger, better educated and more successful women. Hmm.

    • Fareed says

      You said you “have a successful, highly educated daughter who loves her job and has no intention of marrying and having children. She’s happy, content, secure, completely at ease with her life and her decisions”

      Great! That’s the USA. Realize your dreams. You DIDN’T say how old she was. The point of this article is that women DO, in fact, often regret having made precisely these decisions, later in life.

      If your daughter “doesn’t need a man”, or children, great. Let’s see how she feels when she’s 48.

  9. Mgtow lifestyle says

    Well I’m sorry but it’s too late for all this now. It’s like locking the door of the barn after the horses had escaped.

    Women screamed for equality. Opening a door for women is sexist. Looking at a woman is sexist. Trying to help a woman is sexist. Explaining things to women is now called manplaining. Talking about men issues is sexist. Being a boy or a man is evil, etc.
    After all this crap that women have done to us and women like her and in the comments who stood by and did nothing to help, now want to help when men are starting to walk away and rejecting everything. More and more women are not getting married. Colleges are hostile environment for men. Schools and Colleges are geared more towards women than men. Hell look at the tests, it’s more focused on how the female minds works. Now that you have men dropping out of colleges and corporate America, some are starting to live off grid, starting their own businesses or moving overseas, don’t want to be fathers, because fathers are demonized and made to look like dumb asses on TV shows. What women response to all of this? Men needs to man up, men don’t want to grow up, etc. There’s not enough economical attractive men to married, etc. You women attacked our manhood, forced us out of places of higher learning, made fathers have little rights in the courts. You think there will be no consequences for your actions? Most women don’t want to except responsibility for their actions. But this time you have no other choice but to enjoy the fruits of your feminists labors.

    As for me. I have my own house, all paid off. Great job with great pay and benefits. I refused to get married or have kids, live with a woman and no longterm relationships with women. If I changed my mind about kids, I’ll have one by surrogacy only. The juice is not worth the risks. MGTOW forever.

    • Harry says

      Mansplaining. Yeah. Feminism is all womansplaining. There’s a marvellous youtube video, of two Australian legislators debating this and other issues.

  10. Naomi A Jones says

    So if we’ve been raised to be that way, how do we become more feminine? That’s what I desire but don’t know how to let go of my ingrained habits.

    • Gordon says

      Find a woman who has qualities you like. Get her talking. Learn. Imitate. You let go of your ingrained habits by forming new habits.

  11. Elena says

    You said: Nothing more bitter, resentful and angry than a woman who’s aged out of her looks and sex appeal, who is entering old-womanhood, and who has a whole lot of regrets about the roads not taken.

    Precisely.

  12. Ginny says

    My daughter is a high achiever. She’s a 38-year-old, well-educated (two Ivy League schools), creative, intelligent, sophisticated, loving, successful, attractive, with a model-like body, and surprisingly can’t find a desired partner.
    ….two Ivy League schools. sophisticated, so she looks down on men not at her “high standard.”
    Successful. so she plays Oneupmanship games.
    Model-like body. So she’s had a lot of boyfriends. Though women’s idea of a model-like body is generally about 30 lbs different from a man’s.
    Can’t find a desired partner. She’s 38. Her pool is men in their 40’s. By that age, they are getting very cautious.

    I must say she wasted many years on several senseless relationships.
    ….There’s the problem, right there. Lots of bad boys, and long rides on the CC, enough so that she can’t pair bond.

    She is now extremely unhappy that she doesn’t have a partner
    …and who created that, I wonder. While she was playing with the bad boys.

    and, most importantly, she wants to have children.
    …a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, so what’s the problem? Remember, today’s women “don’t need a man”.

    All of her friends are married with kids.
    …it happens

    I’m clueless why she can’t find her desired partner.
    …she’s past her sell-by date. She is setting her standards too high, for what is available to her.

    Let us imagine that she sought a job, the way she sought a husband. She worked, say, as a clerk in a store, waitress, whatever, thinking that bye and bye, she’d get that good job. She did nothing to prepare for that good job. She just knew there was pie in the sky, by and by. And now she’s 38. WIth apparently no prospects. Who created that?

  13. Amy Richards says

    The right man will love you for who you are. After my divorce at age 32, I found dating to be very difficult. I had matured and I was secure in myself. On the advice of friends, I tried to act more feminine to attract a man. It was a disaster, I’m a horrible actor and I can be bossy. I could handle many situations on my own and apparently that was a problem. I am a horrible damsel in distress. I’m not good at letting others help me or asking for help. One guy dumped me because I refused to his mechanic. It was the worst mechanic in town. I pulled up reviews and messaged them to him. How dare I point out that he was using the worst one in town! Lots of similar scenarios – finally I gave up. I was happier being alone than with the wrong one. Then one day – Viola! – I found the right guy. He adores me for being strong, smart, intimidating and especially loves that I am tall. He knows I am bossy but he won’t let me boss him around and he doesn’t boss me around either. I love how smart, focused and money savvy he is. Best of all, he is much stronger than I -both physically and emotionally. We are partners but we don’t see each other as complete equals: he’s the man and I’m the woman.
    As far as the opposites attract that is quite true. I did meet a lot of guys who were attracted to me because I had my act together but I got disgusted because they didn’t have their act together. As you mentioned: the old opposites attract but instead of changing oneself – hold out for someone man enough to handle you.

  14. Jim says

    Feminity is most definitely not weakness. It is the Yin polarity. The upper levels of Native American Wolverine martial arts, Chinese martial arts, and others, know that the Yang polarity is one to not be in very much. It is brittle. No, you want to spend most of your time in the Yin Polarity, of the potential, of the inchoate. A woman who is comfortable in her body, comfortable in her Yin polarity, confident, in good health, is a magnet for men. I notice women like that at 40 yards. These women do not usually have any problem in finding a good male partner, if they want one. Their problem is selecting, not finding.

  15. Harry says

    Mansplaining. Yeah. Feminism is all womansplaining. There’s a marvellous youtube video, of two Australian legislators debating this and other issues.

  16. Gordon says

    Find a woman who has qualities you like. Get her talking. Learn. Imitate. You let go of your ingrained habits by forming new habits.

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