Why Super Successful Women Struggle in Love

My friend Anna, who’s in her mid-fifties, is an extremely accomplished business owner. She has two degrees from two prestigious universities, plus she’s multilingual, well-traveled, and, due to her hard work and career dedication, rich. If all that wasn’t enough, she has a beautiful figure and is always impeccably dressed. In short, Anna is impressive.

But Anna is also twice-divorced, and every time I see her I get the lowdown on her latest man troubles. I try to help when asked, but I’ve never come right out and told her what I want to tell her—which is this:

Anna, you’re too damn smart and successful for your own good.

In fact whenever I’m with Anna, I’m reminded of something Jackie Kennedy once said:

“There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.”

This is a truism many women today resent. After all, they’ve been raised in a culture that taught them to value autonomy and professional achievement. That this course of action would undermine their success in love was never entertained, let alone discussed.

Yet that is precisely what has happened.

There are two main reasons super successful women struggle in love. The first is a matter of practicality: people who pursue big careers, whether they’re male or female, typically find their personal lives suffer as a result. Careers (as opposed to jobs) are all-consuming. Those who are successful in effect give their lives to their work, and this comes at a cost. A good marriage or relationship doesn’t thrive on their own. If it is not prioritized, it will die.

The second reason super successful women struggle in love has to do with biology. Consider for a moment the most significant difference between the sexes. It is women, not men, who have the ability to do the most powerful thing in the world: carry life, give life, and nourish life. What’s more, their DNA is designed to nurture babies in a unique and primal way. Because of this, a woman’s value to society is immeasurable—even if she never earns a dime.

That is not the case for men.

“A woman simply is,” notes Camille Paglia, author and social critic. “But a man must become.”

Indeed, a man’s ability to provide for and to protect the life he helped create is integral to his identity. That’s something he can do. Thus, a man who is stripped of his ability to earn, or who’s overshadowed by a woman who earns more, never really feels like a man at all.

And it’s not just men who feel unsettled with this modern dynamic. When a woman knows she can depend on her man to take charge when necessary, even if she’s perfectly capable of doing so herself, her desire and respect for him comes naturally. When she’s the dominant partner, all of that falls away.

Take Susan Forray, a 40-year-old divorced actuary and partner at a financial consulting firm, who wrote in The New York Times last year about a man she was dating who flat out said to her, “I’m the man. I should be in charge of the money.”

Ms. Forray felt a “jolt of anxiety.” Here she was, an actuary, and the man she’s dating tells her managing money is his job, not hers. But her subsequent feelings were unexpected.

“I found his bluntness surprising but also alluring. He was confident in his desires…I craved a man who sought to take financial responsibility for his family, even if I didn’t need it…. The men I’d previously dated thought of themselves as staunch feminists—in hindsight, frustratingly so, at least in the sense that they were too inclined to defer to me (under the guise of respecting me) to ever take charge, either financially or sexually.”

Few women, deep down, want to be in the dominant role. Every fiber of a woman’s being calls out for a man who’s stronger and smarter and more capable than she. This is what’s known as hypergamy, or the desire of women to marry across and up the socioeconomic ladder.

That’s why a man’s education and work status matters so much in the mating dance. But a woman’s socioeconomic status, or her education and work status, matters very little. In fact, it determines almost zero of her attractiveness. Which means the more educated and successful a woman becomes, the less likely she is to find and keep a husband.

Ms. Forray’s predicament is no different from Anna’s. Ideally, they both need a man who’s at least as accomplished as they are, preferably more so. Problem is, there are very few men in this camp. Most men are regular Joes.

To put it another way, super successful women are up against sheer math: there simply aren’t enough men of their same socioeconomic status from which to choose.

Ergo, if they want to find lasting love, super successful women have exactly three options:

  1. Hold out for an older and richer man who doesn’t have baggage from a previous marriage or two (and get old and gray in the meantime)
  2. Marry “down” and accept the trade-offs of having a good man who may not light your fire
  3. Re-evaluate their lives and relinquish some of the power they’ve acquired in the outside world

Of course they can simply remain single, too. Either which way, at the end of the day super successful women need to ask themselves this question: Which do I want more? Power in the world or power in bed?

Because few, if any, women have both.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

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Comments

  1. I have 2 words for your friend who is in her 50s and complains about men: Taylor Swift. She is the ultimate drama queen who does the same thing. except she is younger.

    • Taylor Swift’s songs sometimes discuss pain in relationships. Hmmm. I know a great way to avoid pain: avoid relationships.

    • More importantly, her songs are popular, which means that kind of relationship drama is something women like to stew themselves in. Men get a lot of pain in divorces, and how many songs are there about that? Few. Johnny Cash’s I Hurt was more about life.

      Have you noticed that women have some trouble identifying clear goals, focusing, and then working hard to achieve those goals? Most especially in marriage? Success in marriage doesn’t require the drive it takes to become a successful pro football player. Women of grandma’s generation knew that marriage was a lot of work- and that they would often get the rewards. Women today think they will be handed a successful relationship on a silver platter. It doesn’t work that way, but nobody told them. So they listen to songs like Taylor’s, which are negative programming. Can you run a picture in your mind, of an Olympic athlete listening to songs about total failure in competition, about the sadness of losing, about eating a crummy diet, and just not caring about competing any more? Can you? yet this is precisely what many women do. If they need the feelings, sad music without lyrics can help them drain. Albinoni’s Adagio in G is an example.

      Look up a work of great art, through google. Did it spring into form, that way? No, it took the artist time, and focused effort. Marriage is the same way, a good one truly is a work of art, of performance art. Focusing on what works, on the good, on thanking, on gratitude, on pouring one’s heart into one’s work, is a good start.

      Years ago, I knew a businessman, a good one, whose wife was well, chunky. She didn’t look good. I’d have rated her a 5 on a scale of 1-10. But she was cheerful, and respected her husband greatly. She had really worked to improve herself. She was spiritually mature. I can understand why he was with her. He got a lot of good energy from her. He could easily have found a 10, he was rich. But he also knew that 10’s can be major energy sinks, and rarely invest in marriage. He was happy with her. she did not listen to sad songs, either. She was always upbeat, and she was totally committed to him. She was also very, very spiritually focused, lived from her heart, and she was also quite intelligent, in a supportive way. I never once heard her bitch at or scold him, for anything, either. I don’t know where she went to school, but I’d sure like to date graduates of it.

  2. Careers (as opposed to jobs) are all-consuming. Those who are successful in effect give their lives to their work. [This is true]

    The second reason super successful women struggle in love has to do with biology. [Biology is so inconvenient, don’t you think, Suzanne? Since, after all, a couple of generations of BS propaganda can certainly overcome a few million years of evolutionary success.] Women do carry life, give life, and nourish life. That is not the case for men.
    “A woman simply is,” notes Camille Paglia, author and social critic. “But a man must become.” [Camilla, thou knowest wisdom]

    Indeed, a man’s ability to provide for and to protect the life he helped create IS his identity. A man who is stripped of his ability to earn, or who’s overshadowed by a woman who earns more, never really feels like a man at all. [No, he feels like a baby daddy, a weakling, a not enough, a gang banger, who kills to deal with that feeling of great inferiority.]

    When a woman knows she can depend on her man to take charge when necessary, even if she’s perfectly capable of doing so herself, her desire and respect for him comes naturally. [So true. She wants a fallback position. Men know they don’t have any fallback, except what they have in the bank, and paycheck.] When she’s the dominant partner, all of that falls away. [How many men sign up, like QE II’s husband, to be a “consort”? Not many. We have names for them. The movie How to be a latin lover, starring Eugenio Derbez, nicely portrays what it feels like to be a gigolo, to live in that uncertain world.]

    Here she was, an actuary, and the man she’s dating tells her managing money is his job, not hers. [It is not unusual for Russian women, and sometimes even Japanese women, to manage the household money. The reason is simple. This way, the man blots out the pain in his life, with vodka, or sake, and the family can survive.]

    The men I’d previously dated thought of themselves as staunch feminists—in hindsight, frustratingly so, at least in the sense that they were too inclined to defer to me (under the guise of respecting me) to ever take charge, either financially or sexually.” [Women HATE men who won’t achieve closure. I mean HATE them with a passion. Not achieving closure, and running the engine in idle, is a woman’s job.]

    Few women, deep down [in their subconscious minds, and genetic memory, where feminism can’t overlay the BS with a light coat of paint], want to be in the dominant role. Women, and heck, even female gorillas, WANT that alpha male, to feel secure with. This is hypergamy. Women who have multiple orgasms in hetero sex are with men they perceive as Alphas.
    That’s why a man’s status matters. Women’s status, and education, don’t matter, beyond a certain minimal level. Traditionally, men provided, and women nurtured. A woman with a lot of education may actually be a poor choice for a partner. Her ability to parrot back propaganda does not help her be a better mother.
    What attracts a man to a woman for a long term relationship? Health- babies do better with healthy mothers. Loving. Supportive. Patience. and other qualities likely to assure the long term survival of offspring. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, in the USA, and of this, over 70%, some say 80%, are initiated by women with college degrees.
    A college degree can actually be a downside- in terms of the ability to nurture children for long term survival.
    Women all want the top 4% or so, of men. Anything less means they aren’t the princesses who could do anything they wanted. The top 4% of men have a wide field to choose from. Do they pick a nasty, educated harpy who will make their lives hell, or a woman who seriously wants to raise a family? A man capable of rational thought makes rational decisions. Sex with super successful 9’s and 10’s is a lot of fun, for those men who can get them. But here is a nasty thought: men with any intelligence know very well that 9’s and 10’s are for short term play, not for long term relationships, because they can jump ship hypergamously any time they like. Near where I live, there is a married woman who is somewhat overweight, has two kids, and a stable marriage. Hubby knows she can’t do any better.
    Let’s think about that ideal man, that a super successful woman wants. Does he want a family? Or would he rather hop from bed to bed, rather as Hugh Hefner did? If he does, he learns just how fickle successful, beautiful women are. Women can be astonished to see what really successful men marry. What makes a good wife, for a rich guy? He needs someone who is committed to him, who isn’t going to leave at the drop of a hat, who is committed long term, to him, and to children. These women are 6’s and 7s. Yeah, really.

    Super successful women aren’t just up against sheer math, and the illusions that they can hit the lottery with the perfect partner. They are up against the fact that they are less than desirable, for long term relationships. They can’t be told this, and can’t believe it.
    You cited three options, Suzanne:
    1. Hold out for an older, richer man who has no baggage. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
    2. Marry “down” and settle. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, they won’t do that. They are the princesses, and MUST have the prince! Who was Madonna’s first partner, who fathered her first child? Oh wait- her personal trainer!
    3. Re-evaluate their lives and relinquish some of the power they’ve acquired in the outside world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
    4. You note they can simply remain single, too.
    5. Or do some combination of the above. I wonder how Madonna’s love life is. Ritchie did to her what women usually do to men. Britney seems to have had the same kind of issues.
    6. Watch reruns of Sex and the City, read romance novels, and feed her cats. Romance novels are almost half of all books published, in the USA.

    I would have rephrased your final question as, “You can have anything you want, if you pay the price, but you can’t have everything you want. Which do you prefer? Power in the world, or the power of bringing new life into the world, and training it for success?”

    Consider carefully, that a society that funnels all its bright, intelligent women into careers, where they mostly don’t reproduce, is committing suicide by slow motion. The least feminist women in the world- muslim women- are also the most fecund. Numbers matter.

    Oh wait, Suzanne. There is one other option, you could have mentioned.

    7. Be a part of a polygamous relationship. This is the case all over Africa, and some women really like it, because they have more freedom. Some successful women there really like it. There are videos on youtube about Mormons where the husband has multiple wives, and the women seem happy with the arrangement. Sunni Muslim males can marry up to four women. Shi’ite men can marry a theoretically unlimited number, under the sigheyi- muta’a, or temporary marriage rules. The only limitation is how many they can financially support. The only problem with polygamy is that beta males don’t get any. Pakistan, as one example, is a very dangerous place for women, because young men with major hormonal flow, and no outlet, get rather nasty. In India, educated women who go to work are accosted by young men with no prospects enough that the women sharpen their nails, and otherwise carry edged weapons, to deal with them. In Saudi Arabia, one outlet for bright women is education, which is why there are many, many female doctors now, as one example. Problem is, Arab moms tend to find partners for their sons, and they don’t like uppity overly educated women as partners for their son.
    Oh, Suzanne, one more:
    8. Be a one-night stand specialist, a booty call. This is what many of them end up becoming. A woman can’t really support a family working an 80+ hour week. But she can have short breaks, on some weekends. Some of the PUA websites have specialists in servicing this demographic pool, who discuss this. They can have children, through artificial insemination, and some do. What better model to set for their children, than to be a booty call. I’ve seen a number of single moms who couldn’t do any better than being a booty call, and their children, at least for what I’ve seen, don’t turn out well. You can see a large population of the products of women like this. Find out where the illegal drug markets in the nearest inner city are, and drive through, at 2 AM, when they are selling their products.

    Traditional marriage was a stable energy state. Anything else is simply more unstable.

    • Hi Lou

      Great article! Thank you for summarizing it so well. After being married for 40 years I still learned from your blog.
      Warm regards
      Janos

  3. I know someone who had a female supervisor like this. She caught the wave of the Clinton thing about promoting more women, so she got a supervisorial job. She got promoted again by her female supervisor, who could down 20 hard drinks on lunch, and did this regularly. She is a psychopath, according to the …women… who have worked for her, but she could get away with it, so they kept up their numbers of female supervisors. She divorced her first husband, which can’t have had anything to do with her affair with one of the attorneys in the legal office, that she started, reportedly about 1991, an old timer told me. She also had another boyfriend, for over 10 years. She even went on vacations with him. She of course maintained her affair with the lawyer, who, yes, was also married. The lawyer was likable enough that he’ll probably evade his karma. The boyfriend either saw her as a bridge girlfriend, or saw her for what she was, and dumped her. So she took a while to get over that, and then went on to find a guy on one of the e-sites. He’s somewhat older, but he’s a guy. They got married. While she kept up the affair, of course. There was an interesting article in the paper, about three years ago, something about this guy and a girl allegedly under 18 years of age, I’m not quite sure what it was about. Karma is real. It just takes time. I understand that one woman who retired not too long ago plans to let the supervisor’s husband know about her extracurricular activity, in some very creative way. Men, you know, just have to put up with what they have. Women can be really, really cruel to each other, doing things men just cannot imagine. I wonder how her hubby will react when he finds out what a gem he married. I’m too young to retire. But I do at least get to watch this unfold. Life has its little pleasures.

  4. Super successful women don’t struggle in love. They simply don’t master it, usually. Success in anything meaningful requires long term commitment, persistence, patience, and so on. Super successful women pursue super success in their careers. Great. That’s what life is about- realizing potential.

    A married relationship, or anything beyond casual sex with strangers, requires- yes- long term commitment, persistence, patience, the ability to defer rewards, and so on. Super successful women have their super career success. How desirable are they as mates? Well, a super successful man has a wide choice of potential mates. Is he going to choose one that won’t spend much time with him? Since he has all that choice? Is he going to choose one who is married, bound, and sworn to her super successful career? Feminists engage in a lot of fantasy, which is not grounded in reality.

    Balance is nice. Though Americans prefer great, addictive imbalance in their lives. I’ve seen very successful women who had to seriously compromise, in their choice of mates. Those who did have mates. And many didn’t. They told themselves they didn’t really want one, but when they got male attention, they opened up like a flower in sunlight, in what appeared to be hope.

    life is a series of trade-offs. Like it or not. It sure is for men. Gosh, let’s see, do I get involved with this super successful woman, who will have minimal time for me, no excuses, who makes more than I do so she doesn’t need me at all, really, who has all that feminist hatred of men, who knows she can just go to a sperm bank, who has difficult moods, or, or, do I choose a woman who is totally committed to being a mother, wife, and balancing that with career? Do I choose a woman who can and will have affairs with men she’s involved with, or a woman who is committed to marriage? It’s actually a very easy choice, for most men. Women are so intensely sollipsist that they can’t seem themselves, through the eyes of men.

  5. Let me be sure I read this. She’s in her mid-50’s, and looking for relationships with men. Uhhh, rotsa ruck, GI. The available men in your demographic aren’t.

    Plus she’s a successful business owner, has messed up two relationships before, she’s rich and dresses well. This one has ballbuster written all over her.

    She’s not looking for a mate. She’s looking for a gigolo.

  6. Ms. Forray’s predicament is no different from Anna’s. Ideally, they both need a man who’s at least as accomplished as they are, preferably more so. Problem is, there are very few men in this camp. Most men are regular Joes. (Suzanne, you genius, you! You actually SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE! ) To put it another way, super successful women are up against sheer math: there simply aren’t enough men of their same socioeconomic status from which to choose.

    It is worse than that. Those men in their same socioeconomic class aren’t interested in women like this. Men in that class can have anything they want, in women. Let’s see, mid-50’s. let’s assume we have a potential mate, also mid-50’s, since women don’t understand that those 30 year olds they dated when they were 18 are now 12+ years older than they are. He’s rich.

    He has a choice. He can go out with ballbuster women like her, who screwed up 2 marriages which means a trainload of baggage, don’t have much time for the relationship, have strong opinions, and will play dominance games.

    Or, he can go out with women under 25, who have far less baggage, are willing to sleep with him, with no offer of commitment, and he has his choice of at least 30 such women. Yeah, this is real. Hugh Hefner had how many girlfriends, at any given time?

    So. He has the choice of the 55 year old two time loser, in marriage, or the beautiful young things under 25. Now. Imagine yourself as being inside that man. Ummm. Which one is he going to choose? If he’s 55, he probably has the children he wants to have.

    Please explain to me why any man in that position, would choose this woman, to risk life, money, house, possessions, on? Internet porn is a lot safer than this woman, and it doesn’t call you up at 2 AM all worried about the status of the relationship. Plus, it doesn’t get incredibly unpleasant 3-30 days out of the month. Plus, it doesn’t take insult at statements not intended to be insults. But wait- this guy is RICH. he has more options than the regular Joe.

    Oh wait, this is the chick flick version, the romance novel edition, I get it. Of course he cuts his subscription to xvideo, says goodbye to all the twenty somethings, and commits to this woman, so he can watch her carve out his guts, and make his life a living hell.

  7. Being smart and successful in one field is being smart and successful in one field. This does not necessarily transfer into other fields. It is possible to be a very successful businessperson, and a total failure at relationships. Or at being a decent human being.

    The reason is simple enough. Strategies change, depending on the terrain. Tactics that work in one terrain may not, in another.

  8. Dating successful women makes some straight men feel insecure about their own accomplishments, according to Jenna Birch’s “The Love Gap.” So they may avoid starting relationships with those women until they’re more established in their careers. Or longer. Birch encourages women never to settle, but to give a man time to get to know her if she senses he seems nervous. Of course, she doesn’t note that such women often take that boss attitude into relationships. Which is toxic. Jenna Birch’s new book, ” The Love Gap,” highlights another, broader implication of the difference between attitudes and behavior. The “gap” in the title refers to the distance between what straight men say they want in a woman and the type of women they pursue.

    Specifically, men say they want women who are smart, driven, ambitious, and accomplished — but when they actually date these women, they hesitate to start a relationship with them. Through research and interviews, Birch deduces that some men may be made uneasy by such a woman’s success, especially if they haven’t yet achieved that level of success in their own careers. Most men don’t want to be gigolos. Birch is quick to point out that her findings don’t apply to all men (or all women, for that matter) — but it’s a general trend she’s observed.

    She cites a number of scientific studies as preliminary evidence.

    For example, one 2015 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that men rated women who were supposedly more intelligent as more desirable — except when they met the women face-to-face. Then they rated the women as less desirable, and even put some physical distance between them and the women. Perhaps the hypothetical question only engaged the conscious mind, while the in person meeting engaged the unconscious as well. The unconscious works to preserve the being, by giving warnings. This phenomenon is seen outside the lab, too, with men distancing themselves emotionally from “EGs,” Birch’s term for “End Goal” women, or the women men see themselves with someday. And EGs are frustrated to no end.

    Some men may worry — even if they don’t say it out loud — about not being able to ‘provide’ for their partner. One 27-year-old woman who is a mechanical engineer told Birch she’s heard multiple men tell her, “You don’t need me.” She said, “Once they get an inkling that I’m a boss girl, I just can’t avoid it.”
    One 24-year-old man told Birch explicitly: “Who I want to end up with is different from who I want to be with right now.” The man spelled it out: “The girl I want today likes to hang out, drink, is into music, binges on Game of Thrones. The girl I want to end up with has real interests and real hobbies — like running or something constructive. She has a real career. And the other girl, the one I want today, is still working towards a career.”

    Both men and women are hesitant to leave their comfort zones and upend tradition when starting relationships. Birch’s reporting suggests that some men are wary of not being the stereotypical “provider” in a relationship — even though they might not say that out loud. As Birch puts it, these men may feel they have little to add to a woman’s already-pretty-fabulous life. Birch’s advice for her exasperated women readers is never to settle — and certainly not to chase after a guy who’s just not ready to commit to them. Interestingly, though, she recommends that if women find themselves with an “almost boyfriend” — a guy who acts like a boyfriend but hasn’t expressed a desire to date them officially or even have a physical relationship — they should give him time.

    One of Birch’s men interviewees shared potentially frustrating advice for women in this position: “Successful women want the science to preset how things are going to play out, and the indicators of a potential good partner,” he said. “But I think one of the most vital skills in life is flexing the muscle of development that is ‘not knowing.'”

    Generally, it is considered unwise to awaken sleeping bears. If you must awaken one, it is better to choose a small one, and note the path to run away if necessary. Waking a 550 lb grizzly is not for the fainthearted. And neither is dating very successful women. Especially given that most women have the emotional control of a mean grizzly, and can do as much damage.

  9. A 2015 study by Park, Young, and Eastwick demonstrated that men were more attracted to women more intelligent than them from afar, but were less attracted to them when those same women were nearby. Disappointing results to say the least. So what gives, Clooney? What made Amal the one for you? (And, yes, I’m unfairly and very unscientifically assuming that Amal is more intelligent than Clooney in this scenario.)

    What do men say about smart, successful women?
    There are two comments from male friends over the years that stick out in my memory:

    “She’s been in business so long; she just doesn’t know how to be sexy anymore.”
    This was a male friend that was set up on a blind date with a successful, corporate woman. He said she was great; she just wasn’t sexy. No sexy, no interest. She was so tuned into her masculine qualities that made her so successful in her career that she neglected her feminine attributes that would attract men. So in her particular case, it wasn’t her intelligence or success that turned him off, rather it was her lack of femininity.

    “She was bossy, and I don’t like being bossed around.”
    When I asked a friend why he didn’t hit it off with a highly intelligent woman he was introduced to he said he immediately picked up on her bossiness and what he perceived was her “analyzing” him. Again, it wasn’t that her intelligence turned him off, but rather the qualities that made her great in her career were turnoffs in love.

    In addition to what the guys above told me, the ONE commonality I’ve noticed that seems to work against attracting the right partner is trying to make love happen, strive for it, like it’s any other business-related pursuit. In my opinion, many smart, career women are so used to achieving with this approach but don’t know how to “shut it off” in the dating scenario. Unfortunately, this approach has her in chase-mode, going for the wrong man, for the wrong reasons, and closes her off to the man that could potentially love her and offer her the world.

    Trusting and having patience while remaining open to the love that presents itself is an enormous paradigm shift for the analytical, independent woman who’s used to getting everything done herself.

    How can intelligent and successful women go after AND stay open to love?
    By taking small actions that might lead you to meet your soulmate within your control. This could be asking friends to set you up, going to events, joining Meetup groups, online dating, etc. This is where your brain can be deliberate about finding love.

    Then sit back, enjoy the journey, and trust that the right person for you will come at just the right time. Be open to someone that’s genuinely interested in getting to know you. That’s the man who will love you for your in-depth mind and your open heart. George Clooney recently told David Letterman that he didn’t initially think Amal had any interest in him and that they began their friendship just emailing each other. Perhaps she only played it cool; we have no idea.

    But I’d like to imagine that she just relaxed knowing that even if nothing developed between them it was okay because she knew she was terrific, had her purpose in life (humanitarian work), and was ready to be open to the man who wanted to marry her.

  10. In magazines for women, there are often articles to explain why women are just too good for men, to help women deal with that lack of success in relationships. Here’s an example:

    1. Successful women are picky. Indeed, too picky. Successful women have very high standards. We’ve been hurt in the past, so we know that we have to wait for someone who is absolutely right for us. We aren’t going to waste our time with people who genuinely don’t care about us. (And, since we don’t take the time to understand men’s motives, or thoughts, we overlay them with our own imagination, and fears.)

    2. Successful women are strong-headed. We have strong hearts, and even stronger minds. We know what we want, and we know what we deserve. Everything else is just a wasteland to us. We are the type of women who don’t except anything but the best. And we don’t apologize for it. (We don’t apologize for anything, because the world owes us all this. So why isn’t it showing up again?)

    3. Successful women are career driven. We adore our careers, and take pride in what we have accomplished. Whether it’s being a professional athlete, a professional writer, singer, or painter, we find so much joy in doing what we do. We don’t know who we would be without our careers. (Gee, umm, moms? Wives? Contributors to the community? Happy people?)

    4. Successful women aren’t boy obsessed. Of course we get lonely at times, and wish we had someone to love, but we adore being single too. Being single allows us to work on ourselves, and take pride in our accomplishments that we have done on our own. (So we’ll just leave the idea of commitment, and marriage, in the ether, and adore being single. I have yet to see one useful piece of advice here.)

    5. Successful women won’t take bullshit. We don’t take crap from anyone (no matter how hot they are). We are done putting up with men who don’t love anyone but themselves and just see us as toys. We are done messing around with people who don’t genuinely love us. It’s just not fair, and it’s not fun. (In fact, we are so militant about this that we scare away teh nice guys, too. We don’t even try to understand what men are saying, we judge it the way a timebomb starts ticking. And we still fall for the hot bad boys.)

    6. Successful women don’t stand for lies. As soon as you lie to us, you’re out the door. We do not take lies well and especially childish games. We are grown ass women, and you should treat us like one(But it’s ok for us to tell lies, because we are different, and actions don’t have consequences for us.)

    7. Successful women don’t want to waste their time. If you don’t want to date us, then please don’t waste our time. If you are just going to play pretend and not catch us when we fall, don’t even think about trying. We have plenty of more important things to do than to waste precious time dating you. (Cool. I don’t want to waste your time. In fact, I don’t want to know you, or have anything to do with you, because you are an energy sink bigger than the Grand Canyon. )

    8. Successful women would rather spend quality time with family and friends. We would 100% rather spend quality time with the people that we love, than go on a blind date. We treasure our family and friends, and like to spend our free time with people that lift us up and make us laugh. (yes, and you have impossibly high standards, based I guess on playing with Barbie, about what and who men are. And you don’t create quality time for men. Which is why they avoid you. You are toxic, to the eyes of men.)

    9. Successful women don’t have time to casually date. Sometimes, it isn’t us, it’s the lack of spare or free time that we have in our busy lives. So sometimes, we just don’t have enough time to do it all. Sorry, boys and girls. (Just don’t have the time. Cool. I don’t have the time for you, so we’re even.)

    10. Successful women love their career. They aren’t going to jeopardize that for just anyone.
    We would never, ever do anything to jeopardize our success and our career. If you don’t plan on sticking by our side until happily ever after, you aren’t going to last very long. We take pride in how far we have come, and we won’t let anything get in our way. (like, say, kids, or marriage, or commitment, or anything like that)

    11. Successful women are often misread. We are often misread and misunderstood. We are looked at as snobby, as spoiled, and as rude individuals. But, in fact, we are quite the opposite. We are powerful people who take great steps to live our best life. Is that snobby or rude? I don’t think so. (The meaning of a communication is the response you get. You ARE looked at, as spoiled, snobby, and rude, which is why men avoid you. You are toxic. Was there even one useful piece of advice, anywhere in this article? Uhhh, no. This article is an exercise in putting solipsist salve over some wounds. It is useless for its stated purpose.)

  11. You describe your friend Anna, in her mid-fifties, as an extremely accomplished business owner, who has two degrees from two prestigious universities, is multilingual, well-traveled, and, rich. She has a beautiful figure and is always impeccably dressed. In short, Anna is impressive. And twice-divorced, with man troubles.

    She’s in her mid-fifties. She certainly isn’t going to marry down, and wants a guy better than she is. That guy- is he going to deal with a problematic 55 year old? I’m going to guess she is arrogant, in some ways, and always trying to outdo the guy. This is relationship poison.

    She is an extremely accomplished business owner. You didn’t say what kind. She works 80 hour weeks, at least, doesn’t she. She might be an ok booty call. As a wife? No thanks.

    She has two degrees from two prestigious universities. You didn’t say what in. Universities tend to poison women’s minds. The guy with two degrees, her equivalent, has much better choices.

    She is multilingual. Yo tambien. Ana kadhalika. So she can bitch in more than one language, and even seek out men overseas. Doesn’t sound like she’s been successful, or that she speaks Man language.

    She is well-traveled. This is a synonym for having had lots of casual sex, with guys overseas. Women who travel to Europe can have a wild time. I’m thinking her partner count is at least in the 3 digits, perhaps four. Not a good sign.

    She is rich. Which means she wants to call the shots. She doesn’t need a man, she needs a gigolo, and can afford one. That is the only relationship she qualifies for.

    She has a beautiful figure. At 55. Poisonous snakes have beautiful figures. Tigresses have beautiful figures. An atomic bomb has a certain beauty about it. Without a good heart, this will fade, and quickly.

    She is always impeccably dressed. Wow. And those men who might go out with her know they are outclassed. Yes, that’s just what husband material wants these days, in a long term relationship: A woman who tops him every day, who bitches all the time, who has moods, who doesn’t have time for him, who clearly is past her child-bearing years, who has expensive tastes, who has no interest in commitment, really- she’s just playing. She is the embodiment of Barbie. She only lacks one accessory: Ken. And that’s all he’ll ever be. And he knows it. The only thing he brings to the table is his presence. Yes, that’s just what every man wants to be: a blow up doll, for a woman like this.

    Anna is impressive. To whom? Her customers, her employees, and so on. She wants that highest bracket guy- attractive, wealthy, successful, loving. Because she deserves the best. But apparently the men don’t agree. Men in those highest brackets, you know, the 10’s for hot, 10’s for money, 10’s for character, the 10’s for commitment, and so on, know better than to put a ring on a booty call. Because with all that, they probably are in the 10 range for intelligence. This woman spells trouble all over, just with what you’ve said. Why take a risk on trouble?

    She’s twice-divorced. I can’t imagine why. She’s clearly a perfect catch- in her own mind. She’s clearly totally attractive, in her own mind. She sounds like the living, breathing embodiment of solipsism. She hasn’t mastered the art of commitment, of lasting out the relationship. Is she really going to start now?

    She has man troubles. No she doesn’t. Events are only a reflection of the beliefs, emotions, and energy patterns inside. She has a set of limiting beliefs, about relationships, about men, and about herself. These are playing out in her life.

    The candidates for being with her are at least her age. By that age, they know how to live in stealth. They know how to turn off a woman like her, quickly, so they don’t waste energy on her. They’ve had enough pain in relationships, to know which women to avoid, like the plague. They have enough self-respect that if they can’t get a high grade relationship, they just wait. They don’t have the total lack of patience of young men; they have near Oriental patience. They know precisely how much damage a woman like this can do to them. They’ve already seen it. We haven’t talked about Demographics, yet. A guy at work is in his mid-50’s. His wife died last year. He decided to try electronic dating. He found he had to put up numerous filters, to keep responses down to just under triple digits. He has his choice of at least 70 high grade women, I mean really nice women, who are financially secure and not addicted, who have taken care of themselves, nonthots, aren’t rabid feminists and who do like themselves, who are pleasant, etc., and have no downside.

    You see, by her age, many men have been ground down enough by divorce courts, life, their jobs, gross disrespect, that even if they can afford it, they aren’t looking. Not at all. They’ve given up, and pursue their hobbies, and don’t have to deal with daily bitching, complaining, and so on. You didn’t say how much complaining this woman does, however I’m guessing it is a lot. Complainers operate on an energy gradient. They have some impossible to meet standard, in their minds, and they measure what they meet against that standard. What they meet always loses out. The intelligent woman would have some basic standards- honesty, non-addict, able to commit, and so on, but would NOT use an unrealistically
    top of the heap standard to reject men who might be quite adequate as a partner. Men get intuitive, much past 30. They call it common sense. They can feel a woman like this from 50 meters away, even without having heard her speak, and they know deep down in their guts, without even thinking, to ghost her.

    Karma is a bitch. She created her own karma. She is not some helpless bird in the middle of a hurricane. She created the storm.

  12. There is one lucky male, perhaps more, in her life, a lucky male or two that really, really appreciate her. These males are always ready to give her love, they are funny, they have a lot of personality. They are truly the ideal mate(s) for her. Some would call them cats, but they aren’t cats, they are angels, of a sort.

  13. Yes, this woman is never going to ‘settle’. Let us consider polarity. Nothing in life is pure Yang, or pure Yin polarity. Everything is a mix, which is why the Yin/Yang polarity sign is shown as it is. Yang has an eye of yin in it, as yin has an eye of yang. The Dungeons and Dragons games I played as a lad started out by throwing 3 six sided dice, for about 10 different characteristics- strength, height, intelligence, and so on. 18 was the highest score. Oh, do I wish I had thrown an 18, on all of those, myself, before I was born. Some events and outcomes occur based on these scores. This was a most excellent metaphor. Humans can raise their scores- for intelligence, for example. Or spiritual awareness. and other qualities, which the game didn’t allow, but life does.

    This woman is rich, very successful. Of course she wants a guy who threw an 18, in every category- intelligence, sex drive, willingness to stay committed, patience [he may need an augmentation of that], sense of humor, loving, wealth, and so on. Is she an 18 in every category? Obviously not. But she is clearly a princess, who wants an imaginary prince, at the far end of the polarity scale. They do not exist. It’s like the old joke, I’m not a doctor, but I do play one, on TV. Life can be a series of trade-offs.

    The secret of success in relationships is setting *minimum* levels, or baselines. Honesty is a good one, though men who are totally honest with their wives about everything may find they become shrieking harpies, and learn to, well, polish the truth, while staying in integrity. Spiritually grounded enough to avoid addictions is another good baseline. It’s the difference between hunting a deer for food for the winter, as many Native Americans still do, and hunting the elusive 21 point buck. Some women feel this is lowering their standards. Well, yes. Would you fish for cod with a net that had holes 3 feet wide? You wouldn’t, because you’d never catch any codfish. You have to reduce the hole size, if you plan to catch the fish. You can set your nets to drag the bottom, and get bottom feeders. By way, lobsters, clams, oysters, don’t have a body that eliminates toxins very well. They are bottom feeders, which means they eat all the excrement, dead stuff, and garbage that falls to the bottom. There are human bottom feeders, also, of course, at least metaphorically.

    If you want to catch fish, you have to find out where they are. You have to find out when they swarm, and you have to run your nets through the schools, and pull up your catch. You may have to throw back some of what you catch. That’s fine. In time, however, you find the fish you seek.

    Generally, the fish do not come to you. You have to find the fish. This is a good metaphor for seeking a mate. As to this woman, I have to ask where she’s been casting her nets, at what time, has she been following the schools, what has she thrown back based on too high a standard, and so on.

    People who fish know that if they aren’t catching anything, they need to change their strategy. I cannot understand why women who claim to be seeking partners don’t understand this. Some do, and read women’s magazines. Right in this blog subject is an article from a woman’s magazine, which I laughed at, as hard as I could. Women’s magazines are designed to catch fish, in this case, to persuade women to buy toxic, expensive stuff. They are not designed to help women catch partners, any more than a tigress is designed to nurse baby gorillas.

    When you seek new strategies, a useful place to go to, is people who clearly have a successful strategy, based on their results. In this case, older women in a successful relationship, who are happy, might maybe know a little more than a woman’s magazine written by 20 somethings whose idea of a successful relationship is waking up after the one night stand early enough to get to work. Such women might also be spiritual enough to share good advice, instead of advice designed to sell products.

  14. Ashlie Roberson, a successful New York City-based real estate salesperson, lost a guy who said he hoped her career would become a hobby. One night, after she took an emergency work call, he told her she wasn’t the woman he initially thought she was — a sweet Southern girl he could marry, form a family, and raise kids with.

    Like other successful, career-driven women who date men, she has had challenges dating. Her issues have become more common as women work. Some men say they want to date smart, driven, ambitious women, but don’t follow through. Some just don’t want to be around successful women whose accomplishments might call their own into question.
    A Twitter user, a lawyer, shared how she left her fiancé after he told her: “Sometimes I wish you were just a teacher or a nurse because you wouldn’t think so much, it’s intimidating.” This resulted in thousands of responses from women who had experienced issues with their career successes negatively impacting their ability to connect romantically with men.

    Roberson noticed that her career success impacts her dating life. The men she dates seem threatened by her career drive. She said she’s received the line ‘you seem too busy for me’ or ‘I don’t really see our futures aligning. She said that men she’s dated have noted that exhibiting her financial success — by offering to pay for dinner — felt like she was “stepping on their manhood.” Studies have demonstrated that successful women can make men feel emasculated or inferior. She does appreciate the accurate feedback, though, because it is better to find this out early.

    Another woman says most of the men she has dated feel insecure about her successes. They often try to undermine other aspects of her life and make her feel like she’s not enough. She said, “It sucks because I feel like I’m going to end up one of those people who are successful monetarily but, with my love life, I feel like I just want to give up.”

    Dating challenges for successful, heterosexual women are noted in a book called The Love Gap. The author found that men’s stubborn pressure to be providers are to blame.
    (Oh, it’s the man’s fault. Thanks for that clarification. Of course it’s the man’s fault, for understanding that a woman more successful than he is will certainly look down on him, disrespect him, and put him out with the trash. He also understands that taking a break to raise children is resume death. And it’s still his fault.)

    The author noted that while men say they want a partner who is an equal, in reality successful women make them feel emasculated.

    “We’re seeing a huge influx of women outpacing their male peers in higher education, entering the workplace primed to advance faster than the guys they might date. And we’re seeing a lot of successful women emerge, and more doors are opening as of the past several decades.” She notes this can often breed unhealthy competition and resentment in dating relationships. (It probably doesn’t help the guy to see women promoted to fill quotas, either, with no regard for competence, sometimes.)

    She says men’s behavior could stem from their “primal instincts” to provide, feminist sex and dating coach Myisha Battle believes it has more to do with men’s socialization. (Men’s socialization is very easy. They look at homeless men on the street, and know they could be there any time, if they don’t keep up. A pity this feminist coach didn’t bother asking men) “Men are socialized to believe that if they aren’t good providers then they aren’t good partners (actually, women dump guys who aren’t good providers. That’s how men are socialized. Provide, or you don’t get any.) We don’t empower men to be in non-provider roles (we do. Go to any local homeless shelter, and see what this empowerment has done for the residents.) Battle said she believes things are changing. “I have hope that some balance can be struck if people are capable of living outside of their expected gender roles.” (fantasy is so much fun. No, men know very well what happens if they have a gap on their resume.)

    Battle says her biggest recommendation is for career-driven women is to get clear about the type of experience they want in their dating lives and to clearly ask for it. She finds that a lot of women have trouble asking for what they want for fear of seeming too intimidating or demanding. “Your truth can filter out people who will be intimidated by a badass lady,” Battle added. (What kind of soyboy would want to go out with a ballbuster?)

  15. One very successful woman read an article about the ‘male brain’. She read ‘men only want to date women that make them feel good about themselves.’ She said she would never want to date someone that made me feel crappy about herself. (Oh no, feminism says that men must date women who make them want to throw up, women who make them feel horrible.) Then it said a career woman could ‘trigger’ a guy not feeling good about himself. She realized her dating lows coincided with career highs and achievements. She wondered if her successful career keeps her from finding Mr Right.
    Male friends gave advice: Dumb down some, leave detail out about career, maybe dress down a little, don’t show off being busty on the dating profile. She realized her would Google her and leave. She wasn’t sure if they thougth she’d super high-maintenance because of her modeling pics.

    She decided it was their problem, and if a man was genuinely turned off by ambition then he wasn’t right for her. Success seems to be an area of acute insecurity for some men (could it have something to do with success being survival?) It’s a societal belief that men need to be the breadwinners when it comes to career (reinforced by seeing failures).

    She says being self-employed for over eight years has meant she has to be sure of herself and know exactly what she wants in life. And perhaps some people perceive that assuredness as arrogance before getting to know her properly.

    She said: “Maybe it’s a turn-off that I’m so sure of what I want and who I am, and not afraid to take the lead. I feel confident to assert my boundaries in my career, and I don’t need a guy to constantly bolster my self-confidence as I know I’m an attractive woman. I feel confident to walk away from situations and men that don’t serve me, and to give men feedback if they do something I don’t like. I figure I’ll let my career achievements and self-confidence act as natural selection, a way to weed out the men who aren’t right for me. Because strong women intimidate boys, and excite men, and that’s what I’m after.”
    (Speaking as a man, have you ever danced with a woman who tried to take the lead? I did. It only happened once. Women who fail get all kinds of societal support, and pity, and…. Men who fail are scorned, ridiculed, and disregarded.)

  16. Dating today is tough. I don’t like guys who say they’re exclusive, when they text other women on the side. I did a lot of back-to-back relationships. My single friends said how difficult dating was. I said There are plenty of fish in the sea, You’ll find someone when you least expect it, and of course, I think it would be fun to be single again. Even though it would’t.

    Technology cheapened communication. Writing a letter with a quill pen demands commitment. A typewriter is easier. The telephone did require some effort. And now we text, which is far too easy. Then there is the waiting game. Stare at your phone for days waiting for a reply that may never come! And when it does come, it is as non-committal, confusing responses! No-one asks you on a date anymore, they ask if you wanna “chill”, or “hang”, or “meet up”. WTF do any of them even mean?! Are you actually interested in me, or just need a quickie? Then there is text chicken to see who’s gonna message first. And you have no feedback. ‘Did he actually like me? Was that even a date? Are we just keeping it casual? Did he really mean that when he said “Let’s do this again?”?!!’

    “Why don’t you just ask the guy?” I hear you say. You sweet, naive, pre-Tinder child… people don’t show feelings anymore. You have to act distant, so they won’t freak out. Texting twice in a row means they’ll assume you are high maintenance. You can’t offer feedback on bad behavior, you don’t wanna look crazy. You can’t “hang” more than one night in a row, because you don’t want to come off as clingy. If you are able to ask the person where all this hanging is leading to, you have couch your question carefully to not to spook the guy into ghosting you.

    I am done with modern dating. If I like someone, I’ll tell them. If it’s a date, I’ll call it one. If I seek an answer, I’ll phone instead of text. If I feel like double texting, Imma do it. If I want to know if my casual hookup wants to go out with me, I’ll ask. The right guy for me won’t be turned off by me being myself. Only players and commitment phobes get scared off when you refuse to join the game.

  17. Some successful women have problems finding a husband? Financially successful women pay their own way. They are smart, hard-working, responsible, and often physically attractive. One would think they’d have no trouble dating. Aren’t they low maintenance, self-supporting, and independent? Maybe not. Maybe it’s due to:

    Bad Behavior. Professional women say men are insecure around a confident, independent woman. They want women they can control. But women prefer to place blame, rather than solve problems. A “strong personality” is often abrasive and offensive. Some women will screen and question men like cops, order them around, or even point out every mistake the man makes. A dominant, take no crap approach may work at work. But a mate is a voluntary partnership. Most men aren’t looking for a boss, sociopath, or a new mother as their wife or girlfriend. They want a partner and someone they can respect who also respects them. Women who tell men what to do demean them. You might want him to take charge and court you. Would you want a man to boss you around and judge you all day too?

    Most single women are too picky, and the vast majority of successful single women are far pickier than the average woman. The idea that there is a perfect guy out there is completely wrong, a cruel lie, an illusion. Every man has faults and weaknesses. A man courting you with a good heart, good intentions, with faults that you can tolerate and accept, is more likely to work out.

    Screening out men who don’t make as much as you do may screen out some good guys. Guys aren’t intimidated by you because you make more, you just refuse to date them. If you are proud of your independence and have money already, why do you need a man to financially support you? If he isn’t needed, why would he apply?

    Many lonely professional women are single because they don’t make time to meet men and date. Work is important. Isn’t happiness, also? This can flow from relationships, experiences, mental and physical health, and personal growth. Balance is healthy.

    Everything comes at a cost. If you just want friends that you see after a 14 hour day, to love you, get cats. They are low maintenance, and friendly.

  18. Smart women are very much like nice guys, in that they seem to not do well with the opposite gender. But much more is going on. Women don’t understand that men evaluate the entire picture, of a woman, not just her best points. If she doesn’t have what men want, men don’t show up.

    Is she funny, or sarcastic.

    Is she morally focused, or arrogant
    Is she bright or opinionated.
    Does she have high standards, or is she high maintenance.
    Is she entrepreneurial or a workaholic.

    Women who about how “direct” they are, tend to be tactless and rude. They may try to change partners who have no desire to be changed. When the partner pulls away because he doesn’t want to be with a nasty bitch, the “direct” woman concludes that he couldn’t appreciate her “honesty”.

    Maureen Dowd, the Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the New York Times, wrote an entire book about this, called “Are Men Necessary?”. She clearly knows that if an amazing woman like her could be single, there must be something wrong with men. She can’t understand sales theory: if customers don’t want what you have, you don’t sell.

    Women assume men are like women. But a man couldn’t care less if his date is articulate and on track to make partner at the law firm. Men value intelligence, but they also want from their girlfriend stuff like affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness. He seeks a partner, not a drill sergeant. I’m with my wife because she spends some of her time loving and supporting me, not challenging me on everything. She is low maintenance.

    Men would like to be in their polarity. Making that man feel unimportant, or wrong, kills the sale. Women who ask “Are Men Necessary?” are women who will get an answer: “I know I’m not necessary to you. Goodbye and good luck!” This doesn’t mean you play dumb, or be weak and needy, no more than the nice guy should start acting like a jackass. It might mean, however, turning off some of the Yang polarity from work. SInce, “hard-driving, opinionated, and meticulous” are not on most men’s lists of ideal feminine traits.

  19. For a woman, entering a relationship is about choosing well, and then letting go of control, surrendering, and trusting. Women who struggle in relationships are using the skills they know professionally, in their personal lives. Each job requires a different set of tools. You actually have to decide to do something different to override your personal wiring to make your relationships work. You have to be committed. You have to show up.

    If you don’t need a man, great! Don’t need one. If you do need one, or want one, there is a price to be paid.

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