Why Super Successful Women Struggle in Love

My friend Anna, who’s in her mid-fifties, is an extremely accomplished business owner. She has two degrees from two prestigious universities, plus she’s multilingual, well-traveled, and, due to her hard work and career dedication, rich. If all that wasn’t enough, she has a beautiful figure and is always impeccably dressed. In short, Anna is impressive.

But Anna is also twice-divorced, and every time I see her I get the lowdown on her latest man troubles. I try to help when asked, but I’ve never come right out and told her what I want to tell her—which is this:

Anna, you’re too damn smart and successful for your own good.

In fact whenever I’m with Anna, I’m reminded of something Jackie Kennedy once said:

“There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.”

This is a truism many women today resent. After all, they’ve been raised in a culture that taught them to value autonomy and professional achievement. That this course of action would undermine their success in love was never entertained, let alone discussed.

Yet that is precisely what has happened.

There are two main reasons super successful women struggle in love. The first is a matter of practicality: people who pursue big careers, whether they’re male or female, typically find their personal lives suffer as a result. Careers (as opposed to jobs) are all-consuming. Those who are successful in effect give their lives to their work, and this comes at a cost. A good marriage or relationship doesn’t thrive on their own. If it is not prioritized, it will die.

The second reason super successful women struggle in love has to do with biology. Consider for a moment the most significant difference between the sexes. It is women, not men, who have the ability to do the most powerful thing in the world: carry life, give life, and nourish life. What’s more, their DNA is designed to nurture babies in a unique and primal way. Because of this, a woman’s value to society is immeasurable—even if she never earns a dime.

That is not the case for men.

“A woman simply is,” notes Camille Paglia, author and social critic. “But a man must become.”

Indeed, a man’s ability to provide for and to protect the life he helped create is integral to his identity. That’s something he can do. Thus, a man who is stripped of his ability to earn, or who’s overshadowed by a woman who earns more, never really feels like a man at all.

And it’s not just men who feel unsettled with this modern dynamic. When a woman knows she can depend on her man to take charge when necessary, even if she’s perfectly capable of doing so herself, her desire and respect for him comes naturally. When she’s the dominant partner, all of that falls away.

Take Susan Forray, a 40-year-old divorced actuary and partner at a financial consulting firm, who wrote in The New York Times last year about a man she was dating who flat out said to her, “I’m the man. I should be in charge of the money.”

Ms. Forray felt a “jolt of anxiety.” Here she was, an actuary, and the man she’s dating tells her managing money is his job, not hers. But her subsequent feelings were unexpected.

“I found his bluntness surprising but also alluring. He was confident in his desires…I craved a man who sought to take financial responsibility for his family, even if I didn’t need it…. The men I’d previously dated thought of themselves as staunch feminists—in hindsight, frustratingly so, at least in the sense that they were too inclined to defer to me (under the guise of respecting me) to ever take charge, either financially or sexually.”

Few women, deep down, want to be in the dominant role. Every fiber of a woman’s being calls out for a man who’s stronger and smarter and more capable than she. This is what’s known as hypergamy, or the desire of women to marry across and up the socioeconomic ladder.

That’s why a man’s education and work status matters so much in the mating dance. But a woman’s socioeconomic status, or her education and work status, matters very little. In fact, it determines almost zero of her attractiveness. Which means the more educated and successful a woman becomes, the less likely she is to find and keep a husband.

Ms. Forray’s predicament is no different from Anna’s. Ideally, they both need a man who’s at least as accomplished as they are, preferably more so. Problem is, there are very few men in this camp. Most men are regular Joes.

To put it another way, super successful women are up against sheer math: there simply aren’t enough men of their same socioeconomic status from which to choose.

Ergo, if they want to find lasting love, super successful women have exactly three options:

  1. Hold out for an older and richer man who doesn’t have baggage from a previous marriage or two (and get old and gray in the meantime)
  2. Marry “down” and accept the trade-offs of having a good man who may not light your fire
  3. Re-evaluate their lives and relinquish some of the power they’ve acquired in the outside world

Of course they can simply remain single, too. Either which way, at the end of the day super successful women need to ask themselves this question: Which do I want more? Power in the world or power in bed?

Because few, if any, women have both.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

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Comments

  1. I have 2 words for your friend who is in her 50s and complains about men: Taylor Swift. She is the ultimate drama queen who does the same thing. except she is younger.

    • Taylor Swift’s songs sometimes discuss pain in relationships. Hmmm. I know a great way to avoid pain: avoid relationships.

    • More importantly, her songs are popular, which means that kind of relationship drama is something women like to stew themselves in. Men get a lot of pain in divorces, and how many songs are there about that? Few. Johnny Cash’s I Hurt was more about life.

      Have you noticed that women have some trouble identifying clear goals, focusing, and then working hard to achieve those goals? Most especially in marriage? Success in marriage doesn’t require the drive it takes to become a successful pro football player. Women of grandma’s generation knew that marriage was a lot of work- and that they would often get the rewards. Women today think they will be handed a successful relationship on a silver platter. It doesn’t work that way, but nobody told them. So they listen to songs like Taylor’s, which are negative programming. Can you run a picture in your mind, of an Olympic athlete listening to songs about total failure in competition, about the sadness of losing, about eating a crummy diet, and just not caring about competing any more? Can you? yet this is precisely what many women do. If they need the feelings, sad music without lyrics can help them drain. Albinoni’s Adagio in G is an example.

      Look up a work of great art, through google. Did it spring into form, that way? No, it took the artist time, and focused effort. Marriage is the same way, a good one truly is a work of art, of performance art. Focusing on what works, on the good, on thanking, on gratitude, on pouring one’s heart into one’s work, is a good start.

      Years ago, I knew a businessman, a good one, whose wife was well, chunky. She didn’t look good. I’d have rated her a 5 on a scale of 1-10. But she was cheerful, and respected her husband greatly. She had really worked to improve herself. She was spiritually mature. I can understand why he was with her. He got a lot of good energy from her. He could easily have found a 10, he was rich. But he also knew that 10’s can be major energy sinks, and rarely invest in marriage. He was happy with her. she did not listen to sad songs, either. She was always upbeat, and she was totally committed to him. She was also very, very spiritually focused, lived from her heart, and she was also quite intelligent, in a supportive way. I never once heard her bitch at or scold him, for anything, either. I don’t know where she went to school, but I’d sure like to date graduates of it.

  2. Careers (as opposed to jobs) are all-consuming. Those who are successful in effect give their lives to their work. [This is true]

    The second reason super successful women struggle in love has to do with biology. [Biology is so inconvenient, don’t you think, Suzanne? Since, after all, a couple of generations of BS propaganda can certainly overcome a few million years of evolutionary success.] Women do carry life, give life, and nourish life. That is not the case for men.
    “A woman simply is,” notes Camille Paglia, author and social critic. “But a man must become.” [Camilla, thou knowest wisdom]

    Indeed, a man’s ability to provide for and to protect the life he helped create IS his identity. A man who is stripped of his ability to earn, or who’s overshadowed by a woman who earns more, never really feels like a man at all. [No, he feels like a baby daddy, a weakling, a not enough, a gang banger, who kills to deal with that feeling of great inferiority.]

    When a woman knows she can depend on her man to take charge when necessary, even if she’s perfectly capable of doing so herself, her desire and respect for him comes naturally. [So true. She wants a fallback position. Men know they don’t have any fallback, except what they have in the bank, and paycheck.] When she’s the dominant partner, all of that falls away. [How many men sign up, like QE II’s husband, to be a “consort”? Not many. We have names for them. The movie How to be a latin lover, starring Eugenio Derbez, nicely portrays what it feels like to be a gigolo, to live in that uncertain world.]

    Here she was, an actuary, and the man she’s dating tells her managing money is his job, not hers. [It is not unusual for Russian women, and sometimes even Japanese women, to manage the household money. The reason is simple. This way, the man blots out the pain in his life, with vodka, or sake, and the family can survive.]

    The men I’d previously dated thought of themselves as staunch feminists—in hindsight, frustratingly so, at least in the sense that they were too inclined to defer to me (under the guise of respecting me) to ever take charge, either financially or sexually.” [Women HATE men who won’t achieve closure. I mean HATE them with a passion. Not achieving closure, and running the engine in idle, is a woman’s job.]

    Few women, deep down [in their subconscious minds, and genetic memory, where feminism can’t overlay the BS with a light coat of paint], want to be in the dominant role. Women, and heck, even female gorillas, WANT that alpha male, to feel secure with. This is hypergamy. Women who have multiple orgasms in hetero sex are with men they perceive as Alphas.
    That’s why a man’s status matters. Women’s status, and education, don’t matter, beyond a certain minimal level. Traditionally, men provided, and women nurtured. A woman with a lot of education may actually be a poor choice for a partner. Her ability to parrot back propaganda does not help her be a better mother.
    What attracts a man to a woman for a long term relationship? Health- babies do better with healthy mothers. Loving. Supportive. Patience. and other qualities likely to assure the long term survival of offspring. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, in the USA, and of this, over 70%, some say 80%, are initiated by women with college degrees.
    A college degree can actually be a downside- in terms of the ability to nurture children for long term survival.
    Women all want the top 4% or so, of men. Anything less means they aren’t the princesses who could do anything they wanted. The top 4% of men have a wide field to choose from. Do they pick a nasty, educated harpy who will make their lives hell, or a woman who seriously wants to raise a family? A man capable of rational thought makes rational decisions. Sex with super successful 9’s and 10’s is a lot of fun, for those men who can get them. But here is a nasty thought: men with any intelligence know very well that 9’s and 10’s are for short term play, not for long term relationships, because they can jump ship hypergamously any time they like. Near where I live, there is a married woman who is somewhat overweight, has two kids, and a stable marriage. Hubby knows she can’t do any better.
    Let’s think about that ideal man, that a super successful woman wants. Does he want a family? Or would he rather hop from bed to bed, rather as Hugh Hefner did? If he does, he learns just how fickle successful, beautiful women are. Women can be astonished to see what really successful men marry. What makes a good wife, for a rich guy? He needs someone who is committed to him, who isn’t going to leave at the drop of a hat, who is committed long term, to him, and to children. These women are 6’s and 7s. Yeah, really.

    Super successful women aren’t just up against sheer math, and the illusions that they can hit the lottery with the perfect partner. They are up against the fact that they are less than desirable, for long term relationships. They can’t be told this, and can’t believe it.
    You cited three options, Suzanne:
    1. Hold out for an older, richer man who has no baggage. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
    2. Marry “down” and settle. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, they won’t do that. They are the princesses, and MUST have the prince! Who was Madonna’s first partner, who fathered her first child? Oh wait- her personal trainer!
    3. Re-evaluate their lives and relinquish some of the power they’ve acquired in the outside world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
    4. You note they can simply remain single, too.
    5. Or do some combination of the above. I wonder how Madonna’s love life is. Ritchie did to her what women usually do to men. Britney seems to have had the same kind of issues.
    6. Watch reruns of Sex and the City, read romance novels, and feed her cats. Romance novels are almost half of all books published, in the USA.

    I would have rephrased your final question as, “You can have anything you want, if you pay the price, but you can’t have everything you want. Which do you prefer? Power in the world, or the power of bringing new life into the world, and training it for success?”

    Consider carefully, that a society that funnels all its bright, intelligent women into careers, where they mostly don’t reproduce, is committing suicide by slow motion. The least feminist women in the world- muslim women- are also the most fecund. Numbers matter.

    Oh wait, Suzanne. There is one other option, you could have mentioned.

    7. Be a part of a polygamous relationship. This is the case all over Africa, and some women really like it, because they have more freedom. Some successful women there really like it. There are videos on youtube about Mormons where the husband has multiple wives, and the women seem happy with the arrangement. Sunni Muslim males can marry up to four women. Shi’ite men can marry a theoretically unlimited number, under the sigheyi- muta’a, or temporary marriage rules. The only limitation is how many they can financially support. The only problem with polygamy is that beta males don’t get any. Pakistan, as one example, is a very dangerous place for women, because young men with major hormonal flow, and no outlet, get rather nasty. In India, educated women who go to work are accosted by young men with no prospects enough that the women sharpen their nails, and otherwise carry edged weapons, to deal with them. In Saudi Arabia, one outlet for bright women is education, which is why there are many, many female doctors now, as one example. Problem is, Arab moms tend to find partners for their sons, and they don’t like uppity overly educated women as partners for their son.
    Oh, Suzanne, one more:
    8. Be a one-night stand specialist, a booty call. This is what many of them end up becoming. A woman can’t really support a family working an 80+ hour week. But she can have short breaks, on some weekends. Some of the PUA websites have specialists in servicing this demographic pool, who discuss this. They can have children, through artificial insemination, and some do. What better model to set for their children, than to be a booty call. I’ve seen a number of single moms who couldn’t do any better than being a booty call, and their children, at least for what I’ve seen, don’t turn out well. You can see a large population of the products of women like this. Find out where the illegal drug markets in the nearest inner city are, and drive through, at 2 AM, when they are selling their products.

    Traditional marriage was a stable energy state. Anything else is simply more unstable.

    • Hi Lou

      Great article! Thank you for summarizing it so well. After being married for 40 years I still learned from your blog.
      Warm regards
      Janos

  3. I know someone who had a female supervisor like this. She caught the wave of the Clinton thing about promoting more women, so she got a supervisorial job. She got promoted again by her female supervisor, who could down 20 hard drinks on lunch, and did this regularly. She is a psychopath, according to the …women… who have worked for her, but she could get away with it, so they kept up their numbers of female supervisors. She divorced her first husband, which can’t have had anything to do with her affair with one of the attorneys in the legal office, that she started, reportedly about 1991, an old timer told me. She also had another boyfriend, for over 10 years. She even went on vacations with him. She of course maintained her affair with the lawyer, who, yes, was also married. The lawyer was likable enough that he’ll probably evade his karma. The boyfriend either saw her as a bridge girlfriend, or saw her for what she was, and dumped her. So she took a while to get over that, and then went on to find a guy on one of the e-sites. He’s somewhat older, but he’s a guy. They got married. While she kept up the affair, of course. There was an interesting article in the paper, about three years ago, something about this guy and a girl allegedly under 18 years of age, I’m not quite sure what it was about. Karma is real. It just takes time. I understand that one woman who retired not too long ago plans to let the supervisor’s husband know about her extracurricular activity, in some very creative way. Men, you know, just have to put up with what they have. Women can be really, really cruel to each other, doing things men just cannot imagine. I wonder how her hubby will react when he finds out what a gem he married. I’m too young to retire. But I do at least get to watch this unfold. Life has its little pleasures.

  4. Super successful women don’t struggle in love. They simply don’t master it, usually. Success in anything meaningful requires long term commitment, persistence, patience, and so on. Super successful women pursue super success in their careers. Great. That’s what life is about- realizing potential.

    A married relationship, or anything beyond casual sex with strangers, requires- yes- long term commitment, persistence, patience, the ability to defer rewards, and so on. Super successful women have their super career success. How desirable are they as mates? Well, a super successful man has a wide choice of potential mates. Is he going to choose one that won’t spend much time with him? Since he has all that choice? Is he going to choose one who is married, bound, and sworn to her super successful career? Feminists engage in a lot of fantasy, which is not grounded in reality.

    Balance is nice. Though Americans prefer great, addictive imbalance in their lives. I’ve seen very successful women who had to seriously compromise, in their choice of mates. Those who did have mates. And many didn’t. They told themselves they didn’t really want one, but when they got male attention, they opened up like a flower in sunlight, in what appeared to be hope.

    life is a series of trade-offs. Like it or not. It sure is for men. Gosh, let’s see, do I get involved with this super successful woman, who will have minimal time for me, no excuses, who makes more than I do so she doesn’t need me at all, really, who has all that feminist hatred of men, who knows she can just go to a sperm bank, who has difficult moods, or, or, do I choose a woman who is totally committed to being a mother, wife, and balancing that with career? Do I choose a woman who can and will have affairs with men she’s involved with, or a woman who is committed to marriage? It’s actually a very easy choice, for most men. Women are so intensely sollipsist that they can’t seem themselves, through the eyes of men.

  5. Let me be sure I read this. She’s in her mid-50’s, and looking for relationships with men. Uhhh, rotsa ruck, GI. The available men in your demographic aren’t.

    Plus she’s a successful business owner, has messed up two relationships before, she’s rich and dresses well. This one has ballbuster written all over her.

    She’s not looking for a mate. She’s looking for a gigolo.

  6. Ms. Forray’s predicament is no different from Anna’s. Ideally, they both need a man who’s at least as accomplished as they are, preferably more so. Problem is, there are very few men in this camp. Most men are regular Joes. (Suzanne, you genius, you! You actually SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE! ) To put it another way, super successful women are up against sheer math: there simply aren’t enough men of their same socioeconomic status from which to choose.

    It is worse than that. Those men in their same socioeconomic class aren’t interested in women like this. Men in that class can have anything they want, in women. Let’s see, mid-50’s. let’s assume we have a potential mate, also mid-50’s, since women don’t understand that those 30 year olds they dated when they were 18 are now 12+ years older than they are. He’s rich.

    He has a choice. He can go out with ballbuster women like her, who screwed up 2 marriages which means a trainload of baggage, don’t have much time for the relationship, have strong opinions, and will play dominance games.

    Or, he can go out with women under 25, who have far less baggage, are willing to sleep with him, with no offer of commitment, and he has his choice of at least 30 such women. Yeah, this is real. Hugh Hefner had how many girlfriends, at any given time?

    So. He has the choice of the 55 year old two time loser, in marriage, or the beautiful young things under 25. Now. Imagine yourself as being inside that man. Ummm. Which one is he going to choose? If he’s 55, he probably has the children he wants to have.

    Please explain to me why any man in that position, would choose this woman, to risk life, money, house, possessions, on? Internet porn is a lot safer than this woman, and it doesn’t call you up at 2 AM all worried about the status of the relationship. Plus, it doesn’t get incredibly unpleasant 3-30 days out of the month. Plus, it doesn’t take insult at statements not intended to be insults. But wait- this guy is RICH. he has more options than the regular Joe.

    Oh wait, this is the chick flick version, the romance novel edition, I get it. Of course he cuts his subscription to xvideo, says goodbye to all the twenty somethings, and commits to this woman, so he can watch her carve out his guts, and make his life a living hell.

  7. Being smart and successful in one field is being smart and successful in one field. This does not necessarily transfer into other fields. It is possible to be a very successful businessperson, and a total failure at relationships. Or at being a decent human being.

    The reason is simple enough. Strategies change, depending on the terrain. Tactics that work in one terrain may not, in another.

  8. Dating successful women makes some straight men feel insecure about their own accomplishments, according to Jenna Birch’s “The Love Gap.” So they may avoid starting relationships with those women until they’re more established in their careers. Or longer. Birch encourages women never to settle, but to give a man time to get to know her if she senses he seems nervous. Of course, she doesn’t note that such women often take that boss attitude into relationships. Which is toxic. Jenna Birch’s new book, ” The Love Gap,” highlights another, broader implication of the difference between attitudes and behavior. The “gap” in the title refers to the distance between what straight men say they want in a woman and the type of women they pursue.

    Specifically, men say they want women who are smart, driven, ambitious, and accomplished — but when they actually date these women, they hesitate to start a relationship with them. Through research and interviews, Birch deduces that some men may be made uneasy by such a woman’s success, especially if they haven’t yet achieved that level of success in their own careers. Most men don’t want to be gigolos. Birch is quick to point out that her findings don’t apply to all men (or all women, for that matter) — but it’s a general trend she’s observed.

    She cites a number of scientific studies as preliminary evidence.

    For example, one 2015 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that men rated women who were supposedly more intelligent as more desirable — except when they met the women face-to-face. Then they rated the women as less desirable, and even put some physical distance between them and the women. Perhaps the hypothetical question only engaged the conscious mind, while the in person meeting engaged the unconscious as well. The unconscious works to preserve the being, by giving warnings. This phenomenon is seen outside the lab, too, with men distancing themselves emotionally from “EGs,” Birch’s term for “End Goal” women, or the women men see themselves with someday. And EGs are frustrated to no end.

    Some men may worry — even if they don’t say it out loud — about not being able to ‘provide’ for their partner. One 27-year-old woman who is a mechanical engineer told Birch she’s heard multiple men tell her, “You don’t need me.” She said, “Once they get an inkling that I’m a boss girl, I just can’t avoid it.”
    One 24-year-old man told Birch explicitly: “Who I want to end up with is different from who I want to be with right now.” The man spelled it out: “The girl I want today likes to hang out, drink, is into music, binges on Game of Thrones. The girl I want to end up with has real interests and real hobbies — like running or something constructive. She has a real career. And the other girl, the one I want today, is still working towards a career.”

    Both men and women are hesitant to leave their comfort zones and upend tradition when starting relationships. Birch’s reporting suggests that some men are wary of not being the stereotypical “provider” in a relationship — even though they might not say that out loud. As Birch puts it, these men may feel they have little to add to a woman’s already-pretty-fabulous life. Birch’s advice for her exasperated women readers is never to settle — and certainly not to chase after a guy who’s just not ready to commit to them. Interestingly, though, she recommends that if women find themselves with an “almost boyfriend” — a guy who acts like a boyfriend but hasn’t expressed a desire to date them officially or even have a physical relationship — they should give him time.

    One of Birch’s men interviewees shared potentially frustrating advice for women in this position: “Successful women want the science to preset how things are going to play out, and the indicators of a potential good partner,” he said. “But I think one of the most vital skills in life is flexing the muscle of development that is ‘not knowing.'”

    Generally, it is considered unwise to awaken sleeping bears. If you must awaken one, it is better to choose a small one, and note the path to run away if necessary. Waking a 550 lb grizzly is not for the fainthearted. And neither is dating very successful women. Especially given that most women have the emotional control of a mean grizzly, and can do as much damage.

  9. A 2015 study by Park, Young, and Eastwick demonstrated that men were more attracted to women more intelligent than them from afar, but were less attracted to them when those same women were nearby. Disappointing results to say the least. So what gives, Clooney? What made Amal the one for you? (And, yes, I’m unfairly and very unscientifically assuming that Amal is more intelligent than Clooney in this scenario.)

    What do men say about smart, successful women?
    There are two comments from male friends over the years that stick out in my memory:

    “She’s been in business so long; she just doesn’t know how to be sexy anymore.”
    This was a male friend that was set up on a blind date with a successful, corporate woman. He said she was great; she just wasn’t sexy. No sexy, no interest. She was so tuned into her masculine qualities that made her so successful in her career that she neglected her feminine attributes that would attract men. So in her particular case, it wasn’t her intelligence or success that turned him off, rather it was her lack of femininity.

    “She was bossy, and I don’t like being bossed around.”
    When I asked a friend why he didn’t hit it off with a highly intelligent woman he was introduced to he said he immediately picked up on her bossiness and what he perceived was her “analyzing” him. Again, it wasn’t that her intelligence turned him off, but rather the qualities that made her great in her career were turnoffs in love.

    In addition to what the guys above told me, the ONE commonality I’ve noticed that seems to work against attracting the right partner is trying to make love happen, strive for it, like it’s any other business-related pursuit. In my opinion, many smart, career women are so used to achieving with this approach but don’t know how to “shut it off” in the dating scenario. Unfortunately, this approach has her in chase-mode, going for the wrong man, for the wrong reasons, and closes her off to the man that could potentially love her and offer her the world.

    Trusting and having patience while remaining open to the love that presents itself is an enormous paradigm shift for the analytical, independent woman who’s used to getting everything done herself.

    How can intelligent and successful women go after AND stay open to love?
    By taking small actions that might lead you to meet your soulmate within your control. This could be asking friends to set you up, going to events, joining Meetup groups, online dating, etc. This is where your brain can be deliberate about finding love.

    Then sit back, enjoy the journey, and trust that the right person for you will come at just the right time. Be open to someone that’s genuinely interested in getting to know you. That’s the man who will love you for your in-depth mind and your open heart. George Clooney recently told David Letterman that he didn’t initially think Amal had any interest in him and that they began their friendship just emailing each other. Perhaps she only played it cool; we have no idea.

    But I’d like to imagine that she just relaxed knowing that even if nothing developed between them it was okay because she knew she was terrific, had her purpose in life (humanitarian work), and was ready to be open to the man who wanted to marry her.

  10. In magazines for women, there are often articles to explain why women are just too good for men, to help women deal with that lack of success in relationships. Here’s an example:

    1. Successful women are picky. Indeed, too picky. Successful women have very high standards. We’ve been hurt in the past, so we know that we have to wait for someone who is absolutely right for us. We aren’t going to waste our time with people who genuinely don’t care about us. (And, since we don’t take the time to understand men’s motives, or thoughts, we overlay them with our own imagination, and fears.)

    2. Successful women are strong-headed. We have strong hearts, and even stronger minds. We know what we want, and we know what we deserve. Everything else is just a wasteland to us. We are the type of women who don’t except anything but the best. And we don’t apologize for it. (We don’t apologize for anything, because the world owes us all this. So why isn’t it showing up again?)

    3. Successful women are career driven. We adore our careers, and take pride in what we have accomplished. Whether it’s being a professional athlete, a professional writer, singer, or painter, we find so much joy in doing what we do. We don’t know who we would be without our careers. (Gee, umm, moms? Wives? Contributors to the community? Happy people?)

    4. Successful women aren’t boy obsessed. Of course we get lonely at times, and wish we had someone to love, but we adore being single too. Being single allows us to work on ourselves, and take pride in our accomplishments that we have done on our own. (So we’ll just leave the idea of commitment, and marriage, in the ether, and adore being single. I have yet to see one useful piece of advice here.)

    5. Successful women won’t take bullshit. We don’t take crap from anyone (no matter how hot they are). We are done putting up with men who don’t love anyone but themselves and just see us as toys. We are done messing around with people who don’t genuinely love us. It’s just not fair, and it’s not fun. (In fact, we are so militant about this that we scare away teh nice guys, too. We don’t even try to understand what men are saying, we judge it the way a timebomb starts ticking. And we still fall for the hot bad boys.)

    6. Successful women don’t stand for lies. As soon as you lie to us, you’re out the door. We do not take lies well and especially childish games. We are grown ass women, and you should treat us like one(But it’s ok for us to tell lies, because we are different, and actions don’t have consequences for us.)

    7. Successful women don’t want to waste their time. If you don’t want to date us, then please don’t waste our time. If you are just going to play pretend and not catch us when we fall, don’t even think about trying. We have plenty of more important things to do than to waste precious time dating you. (Cool. I don’t want to waste your time. In fact, I don’t want to know you, or have anything to do with you, because you are an energy sink bigger than the Grand Canyon. )

    8. Successful women would rather spend quality time with family and friends. We would 100% rather spend quality time with the people that we love, than go on a blind date. We treasure our family and friends, and like to spend our free time with people that lift us up and make us laugh. (yes, and you have impossibly high standards, based I guess on playing with Barbie, about what and who men are. And you don’t create quality time for men. Which is why they avoid you. You are toxic, to the eyes of men.)

    9. Successful women don’t have time to casually date. Sometimes, it isn’t us, it’s the lack of spare or free time that we have in our busy lives. So sometimes, we just don’t have enough time to do it all. Sorry, boys and girls. (Just don’t have the time. Cool. I don’t have the time for you, so we’re even.)

    10. Successful women love their career. They aren’t going to jeopardize that for just anyone.
    We would never, ever do anything to jeopardize our success and our career. If you don’t plan on sticking by our side until happily ever after, you aren’t going to last very long. We take pride in how far we have come, and we won’t let anything get in our way. (like, say, kids, or marriage, or commitment, or anything like that)

    11. Successful women are often misread. We are often misread and misunderstood. We are looked at as snobby, as spoiled, and as rude individuals. But, in fact, we are quite the opposite. We are powerful people who take great steps to live our best life. Is that snobby or rude? I don’t think so. (The meaning of a communication is the response you get. You ARE looked at, as spoiled, snobby, and rude, which is why men avoid you. You are toxic. Was there even one useful piece of advice, anywhere in this article? Uhhh, no. This article is an exercise in putting solipsist salve over some wounds. It is useless for its stated purpose.)

  11. You describe your friend Anna, in her mid-fifties, as an extremely accomplished business owner, who has two degrees from two prestigious universities, is multilingual, well-traveled, and, rich. She has a beautiful figure and is always impeccably dressed. In short, Anna is impressive. And twice-divorced, with man troubles.

    She’s in her mid-fifties. She certainly isn’t going to marry down, and wants a guy better than she is. That guy- is he going to deal with a problematic 55 year old? I’m going to guess she is arrogant, in some ways, and always trying to outdo the guy. This is relationship poison.

    She is an extremely accomplished business owner. You didn’t say what kind. She works 80 hour weeks, at least, doesn’t she. She might be an ok booty call. As a wife? No thanks.

    She has two degrees from two prestigious universities. You didn’t say what in. Universities tend to poison women’s minds. The guy with two degrees, her equivalent, has much better choices.

    She is multilingual. Yo tambien. Ana kadhalika. So she can bitch in more than one language, and even seek out men overseas. Doesn’t sound like she’s been successful, or that she speaks Man language.

    She is well-traveled. This is a synonym for having had lots of casual sex, with guys overseas. Women who travel to Europe can have a wild time. I’m thinking her partner count is at least in the 3 digits, perhaps four. Not a good sign.

    She is rich. Which means she wants to call the shots. She doesn’t need a man, she needs a gigolo, and can afford one. That is the only relationship she qualifies for.

    She has a beautiful figure. At 55. Poisonous snakes have beautiful figures. Tigresses have beautiful figures. An atomic bomb has a certain beauty about it. Without a good heart, this will fade, and quickly.

    She is always impeccably dressed. Wow. And those men who might go out with her know they are outclassed. Yes, that’s just what husband material wants these days, in a long term relationship: A woman who tops him every day, who bitches all the time, who has moods, who doesn’t have time for him, who clearly is past her child-bearing years, who has expensive tastes, who has no interest in commitment, really- she’s just playing. She is the embodiment of Barbie. She only lacks one accessory: Ken. And that’s all he’ll ever be. And he knows it. The only thing he brings to the table is his presence. Yes, that’s just what every man wants to be: a blow up doll, for a woman like this.

    Anna is impressive. To whom? Her customers, her employees, and so on. She wants that highest bracket guy- attractive, wealthy, successful, loving. Because she deserves the best. But apparently the men don’t agree. Men in those highest brackets, you know, the 10’s for hot, 10’s for money, 10’s for character, the 10’s for commitment, and so on, know better than to put a ring on a booty call. Because with all that, they probably are in the 10 range for intelligence. This woman spells trouble all over, just with what you’ve said. Why take a risk on trouble?

    She’s twice-divorced. I can’t imagine why. She’s clearly a perfect catch- in her own mind. She’s clearly totally attractive, in her own mind. She sounds like the living, breathing embodiment of solipsism. She hasn’t mastered the art of commitment, of lasting out the relationship. Is she really going to start now?

    She has man troubles. No she doesn’t. Events are only a reflection of the beliefs, emotions, and energy patterns inside. She has a set of limiting beliefs, about relationships, about men, and about herself. These are playing out in her life.

    The candidates for being with her are at least her age. By that age, they know how to live in stealth. They know how to turn off a woman like her, quickly, so they don’t waste energy on her. They’ve had enough pain in relationships, to know which women to avoid, like the plague. They have enough self-respect that if they can’t get a high grade relationship, they just wait. They don’t have the total lack of patience of young men; they have near Oriental patience. They know precisely how much damage a woman like this can do to them. They’ve already seen it. We haven’t talked about Demographics, yet. A guy at work is in his mid-50’s. His wife died last year. He decided to try electronic dating. He found he had to put up numerous filters, to keep responses down to just under triple digits. He has his choice of at least 70 high grade women, I mean really nice women, who are financially secure and not addicted, who have taken care of themselves, nonthots, aren’t rabid feminists and who do like themselves, who are pleasant, etc., and have no downside.

    You see, by her age, many men have been ground down enough by divorce courts, life, their jobs, gross disrespect, that even if they can afford it, they aren’t looking. Not at all. They’ve given up, and pursue their hobbies, and don’t have to deal with daily bitching, complaining, and so on. You didn’t say how much complaining this woman does, however I’m guessing it is a lot. Complainers operate on an energy gradient. They have some impossible to meet standard, in their minds, and they measure what they meet against that standard. What they meet always loses out. The intelligent woman would have some basic standards- honesty, non-addict, able to commit, and so on, but would NOT use an unrealistically
    top of the heap standard to reject men who might be quite adequate as a partner. Men get intuitive, much past 30. They call it common sense. They can feel a woman like this from 50 meters away, even without having heard her speak, and they know deep down in their guts, without even thinking, to ghost her.

    Karma is a bitch. She created her own karma. She is not some helpless bird in the middle of a hurricane. She created the storm.

  12. There is one lucky male, perhaps more, in her life, a lucky male or two that really, really appreciate her. These males are always ready to give her love, they are funny, they have a lot of personality. They are truly the ideal mate(s) for her. Some would call them cats, but they aren’t cats, they are angels, of a sort.

  13. Yes, this woman is never going to ‘settle’. Let us consider polarity. Nothing in life is pure Yang, or pure Yin polarity. Everything is a mix, which is why the Yin/Yang polarity sign is shown as it is. Yang has an eye of yin in it, as yin has an eye of yang. The Dungeons and Dragons games I played as a lad started out by throwing 3 six sided dice, for about 10 different characteristics- strength, height, intelligence, and so on. 18 was the highest score. Oh, do I wish I had thrown an 18, on all of those, myself, before I was born. Some events and outcomes occur based on these scores. This was a most excellent metaphor. Humans can raise their scores- for intelligence, for example. Or spiritual awareness. and other qualities, which the game didn’t allow, but life does.

    This woman is rich, very successful. Of course she wants a guy who threw an 18, in every category- intelligence, sex drive, willingness to stay committed, patience [he may need an augmentation of that], sense of humor, loving, wealth, and so on. Is she an 18 in every category? Obviously not. But she is clearly a princess, who wants an imaginary prince, at the far end of the polarity scale. They do not exist. It’s like the old joke, I’m not a doctor, but I do play one, on TV. Life can be a series of trade-offs.

    The secret of success in relationships is setting *minimum* levels, or baselines. Honesty is a good one, though men who are totally honest with their wives about everything may find they become shrieking harpies, and learn to, well, polish the truth, while staying in integrity. Spiritually grounded enough to avoid addictions is another good baseline. It’s the difference between hunting a deer for food for the winter, as many Native Americans still do, and hunting the elusive 21 point buck. Some women feel this is lowering their standards. Well, yes. Would you fish for cod with a net that had holes 3 feet wide? You wouldn’t, because you’d never catch any codfish. You have to reduce the hole size, if you plan to catch the fish. You can set your nets to drag the bottom, and get bottom feeders. By way, lobsters, clams, oysters, don’t have a body that eliminates toxins very well. They are bottom feeders, which means they eat all the excrement, dead stuff, and garbage that falls to the bottom. There are human bottom feeders, also, of course, at least metaphorically.

    If you want to catch fish, you have to find out where they are. You have to find out when they swarm, and you have to run your nets through the schools, and pull up your catch. You may have to throw back some of what you catch. That’s fine. In time, however, you find the fish you seek.

    Generally, the fish do not come to you. You have to find the fish. This is a good metaphor for seeking a mate. As to this woman, I have to ask where she’s been casting her nets, at what time, has she been following the schools, what has she thrown back based on too high a standard, and so on.

    People who fish know that if they aren’t catching anything, they need to change their strategy. I cannot understand why women who claim to be seeking partners don’t understand this. Some do, and read women’s magazines. Right in this blog subject is an article from a woman’s magazine, which I laughed at, as hard as I could. Women’s magazines are designed to catch fish, in this case, to persuade women to buy toxic, expensive stuff. They are not designed to help women catch partners, any more than a tigress is designed to nurse baby gorillas.

    When you seek new strategies, a useful place to go to, is people who clearly have a successful strategy, based on their results. In this case, older women in a successful relationship, who are happy, might maybe know a little more than a woman’s magazine written by 20 somethings whose idea of a successful relationship is waking up after the one night stand early enough to get to work. Such women might also be spiritual enough to share good advice, instead of advice designed to sell products.

  14. Ashlie Roberson, a successful New York City-based real estate salesperson, lost a guy who said he hoped her career would become a hobby. One night, after she took an emergency work call, he told her she wasn’t the woman he initially thought she was — a sweet Southern girl he could marry, form a family, and raise kids with.

    Like other successful, career-driven women who date men, she has had challenges dating. Her issues have become more common as women work. Some men say they want to date smart, driven, ambitious women, but don’t follow through. Some just don’t want to be around successful women whose accomplishments might call their own into question.
    A Twitter user, a lawyer, shared how she left her fiancé after he told her: “Sometimes I wish you were just a teacher or a nurse because you wouldn’t think so much, it’s intimidating.” This resulted in thousands of responses from women who had experienced issues with their career successes negatively impacting their ability to connect romantically with men.

    Roberson noticed that her career success impacts her dating life. The men she dates seem threatened by her career drive. She said she’s received the line ‘you seem too busy for me’ or ‘I don’t really see our futures aligning. She said that men she’s dated have noted that exhibiting her financial success — by offering to pay for dinner — felt like she was “stepping on their manhood.” Studies have demonstrated that successful women can make men feel emasculated or inferior. She does appreciate the accurate feedback, though, because it is better to find this out early.

    Another woman says most of the men she has dated feel insecure about her successes. They often try to undermine other aspects of her life and make her feel like she’s not enough. She said, “It sucks because I feel like I’m going to end up one of those people who are successful monetarily but, with my love life, I feel like I just want to give up.”

    Dating challenges for successful, heterosexual women are noted in a book called The Love Gap. The author found that men’s stubborn pressure to be providers are to blame.
    (Oh, it’s the man’s fault. Thanks for that clarification. Of course it’s the man’s fault, for understanding that a woman more successful than he is will certainly look down on him, disrespect him, and put him out with the trash. He also understands that taking a break to raise children is resume death. And it’s still his fault.)

    The author noted that while men say they want a partner who is an equal, in reality successful women make them feel emasculated.

    “We’re seeing a huge influx of women outpacing their male peers in higher education, entering the workplace primed to advance faster than the guys they might date. And we’re seeing a lot of successful women emerge, and more doors are opening as of the past several decades.” She notes this can often breed unhealthy competition and resentment in dating relationships. (It probably doesn’t help the guy to see women promoted to fill quotas, either, with no regard for competence, sometimes.)

    She says men’s behavior could stem from their “primal instincts” to provide, feminist sex and dating coach Myisha Battle believes it has more to do with men’s socialization. (Men’s socialization is very easy. They look at homeless men on the street, and know they could be there any time, if they don’t keep up. A pity this feminist coach didn’t bother asking men) “Men are socialized to believe that if they aren’t good providers then they aren’t good partners (actually, women dump guys who aren’t good providers. That’s how men are socialized. Provide, or you don’t get any.) We don’t empower men to be in non-provider roles (we do. Go to any local homeless shelter, and see what this empowerment has done for the residents.) Battle said she believes things are changing. “I have hope that some balance can be struck if people are capable of living outside of their expected gender roles.” (fantasy is so much fun. No, men know very well what happens if they have a gap on their resume.)

    Battle says her biggest recommendation is for career-driven women is to get clear about the type of experience they want in their dating lives and to clearly ask for it. She finds that a lot of women have trouble asking for what they want for fear of seeming too intimidating or demanding. “Your truth can filter out people who will be intimidated by a badass lady,” Battle added. (What kind of soyboy would want to go out with a ballbuster?)

  15. One very successful woman read an article about the ‘male brain’. She read ‘men only want to date women that make them feel good about themselves.’ She said she would never want to date someone that made me feel crappy about herself. (Oh no, feminism says that men must date women who make them want to throw up, women who make them feel horrible.) Then it said a career woman could ‘trigger’ a guy not feeling good about himself. She realized her dating lows coincided with career highs and achievements. She wondered if her successful career keeps her from finding Mr Right.
    Male friends gave advice: Dumb down some, leave detail out about career, maybe dress down a little, don’t show off being busty on the dating profile. She realized her would Google her and leave. She wasn’t sure if they thougth she’d super high-maintenance because of her modeling pics.

    She decided it was their problem, and if a man was genuinely turned off by ambition then he wasn’t right for her. Success seems to be an area of acute insecurity for some men (could it have something to do with success being survival?) It’s a societal belief that men need to be the breadwinners when it comes to career (reinforced by seeing failures).

    She says being self-employed for over eight years has meant she has to be sure of herself and know exactly what she wants in life. And perhaps some people perceive that assuredness as arrogance before getting to know her properly.

    She said: “Maybe it’s a turn-off that I’m so sure of what I want and who I am, and not afraid to take the lead. I feel confident to assert my boundaries in my career, and I don’t need a guy to constantly bolster my self-confidence as I know I’m an attractive woman. I feel confident to walk away from situations and men that don’t serve me, and to give men feedback if they do something I don’t like. I figure I’ll let my career achievements and self-confidence act as natural selection, a way to weed out the men who aren’t right for me. Because strong women intimidate boys, and excite men, and that’s what I’m after.”
    (Speaking as a man, have you ever danced with a woman who tried to take the lead? I did. It only happened once. Women who fail get all kinds of societal support, and pity, and…. Men who fail are scorned, ridiculed, and disregarded.)

    • ‘men only want to date women that make them feel good about themselves.” Well, yes. It’s called self esteem, avoiding people who make you feel bad. It’s perfectly ok for women to high grade men, but men should apparently seek out women who make them feel bad? Is that the message here? No wonder men are going MGTOW. Almost anything is better than being with a woman who makes men feel bad.

  16. Dating today is tough. I don’t like guys who say they’re exclusive, when they text other women on the side. I did a lot of back-to-back relationships. My single friends said how difficult dating was. I said There are plenty of fish in the sea, You’ll find someone when you least expect it, and of course, I think it would be fun to be single again. Even though it would’t.

    Technology cheapened communication. Writing a letter with a quill pen demands commitment. A typewriter is easier. The telephone did require some effort. And now we text, which is far too easy. Then there is the waiting game. Stare at your phone for days waiting for a reply that may never come! And when it does come, it is as non-committal, confusing responses! No-one asks you on a date anymore, they ask if you wanna “chill”, or “hang”, or “meet up”. WTF do any of them even mean?! Are you actually interested in me, or just need a quickie? Then there is text chicken to see who’s gonna message first. And you have no feedback. ‘Did he actually like me? Was that even a date? Are we just keeping it casual? Did he really mean that when he said “Let’s do this again?”?!!’

    “Why don’t you just ask the guy?” I hear you say. You sweet, naive, pre-Tinder child… people don’t show feelings anymore. You have to act distant, so they won’t freak out. Texting twice in a row means they’ll assume you are high maintenance. You can’t offer feedback on bad behavior, you don’t wanna look crazy. You can’t “hang” more than one night in a row, because you don’t want to come off as clingy. If you are able to ask the person where all this hanging is leading to, you have couch your question carefully to not to spook the guy into ghosting you.

    I am done with modern dating. If I like someone, I’ll tell them. If it’s a date, I’ll call it one. If I seek an answer, I’ll phone instead of text. If I feel like double texting, Imma do it. If I want to know if my casual hookup wants to go out with me, I’ll ask. The right guy for me won’t be turned off by me being myself. Only players and commitment phobes get scared off when you refuse to join the game.

  17. Some successful women have problems finding a husband? Financially successful women pay their own way. They are smart, hard-working, responsible, and often physically attractive. One would think they’d have no trouble dating. Aren’t they low maintenance, self-supporting, and independent? Maybe not. Maybe it’s due to:

    Bad Behavior. Professional women say men are insecure around a confident, independent woman. They want women they can control. But women prefer to place blame, rather than solve problems. A “strong personality” is often abrasive and offensive. Some women will screen and question men like cops, order them around, or even point out every mistake the man makes. A dominant, take no crap approach may work at work. But a mate is a voluntary partnership. Most men aren’t looking for a boss, sociopath, or a new mother as their wife or girlfriend. They want a partner and someone they can respect who also respects them. Women who tell men what to do demean them. You might want him to take charge and court you. Would you want a man to boss you around and judge you all day too?

    Most single women are too picky, and the vast majority of successful single women are far pickier than the average woman. The idea that there is a perfect guy out there is completely wrong, a cruel lie, an illusion. Every man has faults and weaknesses. A man courting you with a good heart, good intentions, with faults that you can tolerate and accept, is more likely to work out.

    Screening out men who don’t make as much as you do may screen out some good guys. Guys aren’t intimidated by you because you make more, you just refuse to date them. If you are proud of your independence and have money already, why do you need a man to financially support you? If he isn’t needed, why would he apply?

    Many lonely professional women are single because they don’t make time to meet men and date. Work is important. Isn’t happiness, also? This can flow from relationships, experiences, mental and physical health, and personal growth. Balance is healthy.

    Everything comes at a cost. If you just want friends that you see after a 14 hour day, to love you, get cats. They are low maintenance, and friendly.

  18. Smart women are very much like nice guys, in that they seem to not do well with the opposite gender. But much more is going on. Women don’t understand that men evaluate the entire picture, of a woman, not just her best points. If she doesn’t have what men want, men don’t show up.

    Is she funny, or sarcastic.

    Is she morally focused, or arrogant
    Is she bright or opinionated.
    Does she have high standards, or is she high maintenance.
    Is she entrepreneurial or a workaholic.

    Women who about how “direct” they are, tend to be tactless and rude. They may try to change partners who have no desire to be changed. When the partner pulls away because he doesn’t want to be with a nasty bitch, the “direct” woman concludes that he couldn’t appreciate her “honesty”.

    Maureen Dowd, the Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the New York Times, wrote an entire book about this, called “Are Men Necessary?”. She clearly knows that if an amazing woman like her could be single, there must be something wrong with men. She can’t understand sales theory: if customers don’t want what you have, you don’t sell.

    Women assume men are like women. But a man couldn’t care less if his date is articulate and on track to make partner at the law firm. Men value intelligence, but they also want from their girlfriend stuff like affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness. He seeks a partner, not a drill sergeant. I’m with my wife because she spends some of her time loving and supporting me, not challenging me on everything. She is low maintenance.

    Men would like to be in their polarity. Making that man feel unimportant, or wrong, kills the sale. Women who ask “Are Men Necessary?” are women who will get an answer: “I know I’m not necessary to you. Goodbye and good luck!” This doesn’t mean you play dumb, or be weak and needy, no more than the nice guy should start acting like a jackass. It might mean, however, turning off some of the Yang polarity from work. SInce, “hard-driving, opinionated, and meticulous” are not on most men’s lists of ideal feminine traits.

  19. For a woman, entering a relationship is about choosing well, and then letting go of control, surrendering, and trusting. Women who struggle in relationships are using the skills they know professionally, in their personal lives. Each job requires a different set of tools. You actually have to decide to do something different to override your personal wiring to make your relationships work. You have to be committed. You have to show up.

    If you don’t need a man, great! Don’t need one. If you do need one, or want one, there is a price to be paid.

  20. Years ago, I saw a cartoon. It showed women dressed in colonial dress, as in the novel The Scarlet Letter. Each of the women had an “A” sewn to their dresses. Except one. She had an A+ sewn on her dress. All of the other women were looking at her jealously. Now that is modern America. The author of that book had lost his job. His wife had saved up enough money to support them for a year. She told him that he had the time to write the book in him. He did. It was published. So a woman made that novel possible.

    It is amazing to me that feminists think they should emulate the worst behavior of men. Because their statistical sample is grossly inaccurate. Most men do not play the field, sleeping with whatever they find. If that were true, Tucker Max’s books wouldn’t be bestsellers- nobody would read them. Tucker Max writes romance novels for guys. His books are vicarious wish fulfillment. I will never fill the shower water tank, in a camper, with beer, to make it easier to drink. I don’t drink. I will never get drunk in bars. I don’t even go to bars. But I could enjoy his stories, vicariously, some left me rolling on the floor. And even he said he found some women who were, hmmm, how to say this politely, perhaps not high on the desirability scale, in the full light of day. Yes, there are PUA’s, yes there are Don Juans. If you remember, Don Juan’s heart was broken, traumatically, and that had a lot to do with what he was. I can’t speak for women, but I suspect that those women who behave really badly may be doing so out of emotional trauma, in the same way. Well, I can’t control the big picture. I can control my own behavior. If I can simply manage to avoid hurting people, that’s a good start, to being a decent human being. That is expressed negatively. In a positive sense, if I can be helping people a lot more than I hurt them, that is a worthy goal, in life. As the Dalai Lama said, kindness is my religion. A religion without kindness is a hierarchy, and hierarchies tend to become fascist, overly controlling.

    The initial set of programming of the subconscious happens from before birth, to about the age of seven. Then puberty hits, and all that learning has to be re-interpreted, in the context of sex. The vast majority of guys in high school don’t get any. Many never have anything like a date. (I didn’t. I know why, now. I didn’t want anything to tie me down to that small provincial town, and my subconscious helped me.) They don’t know how. They learn, later. Some go off to college, and think they are in the Playboy mansion, of hookups. But even the Playboy mansion wasn’t what it seemed. I continue to be amazed, at how many of my daughter’s classmates, who are now in their mid 30’s, decided to get married, and even commit to marriage. Even with all the toxic propaganda in the mass media, they decided this. One was very bi, but even she got married, had children, and is apparently committed, as she is still married, over a decade later. Some were lesbians until graduation, and decided to be married to guys. I hear a lot of theory. However actual observation, and open ears, teach much.

    The single most important lesson is to ACT LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE. If you
    want to be around druggies, crackheads, drunks, whatever, do what they do. They are the masters of their path. If you want to be bitter, hateful, resentful, and sad, find people who are more advanced than you are, at being bitter, hateful, resentful, and sad. Harmonize with them. Absorb their many lessons in how to succeed on that path. Master the necessary skills. You attract balance, and you attract people on your wavelength.

    One extremely important lesson, for long term relationships, is seeing yourself through the eyes of others. Men know very well that if they aren’t successful at work, they will not get a high grade woman. They know that deep in their bones. The druggies and drunks are generally self-medicating, for their pain. Children of single parents have higher rates of drug use, for example. Generally, they don’t have much hope. In a way, they are committing suicide on a kind of installment plan. In time, men learn to see themselves through the eyes of a specific woman. They learn what she likes, and doesn’t like, and change their behavior accordingly.

    Women used to do the same. Many don’t, now. Many somehow believe that if they march enough, complain enough, demand enough, they will get everything they want. Well, sometimes being high maintenance works. I’m not exactly sure what purpose a slut walk serves. It is maybe to totally disgust potential rapists so much they have no drive? This is like an insecticide, killing beneficial insects as well as pests. If that’s what they want to do, great, celebrate it. The vast majority of men have no interest in rape, totally aside from any criminal penalties. It’s just very bad behavior. Most men have mothers, sisters, sisters in law, female cousins, female friends, wives sometimes, even daughters. Rapists do very badly in prison, nobody else likes them. For precisely this reason. I have worked in property management, where we had to screen people. When we found men on the sexual offenders’ registry, we had to question them. Many of them had a spat with a girlfriend, they were in a relationship with, like breaking up with her, and she took revenge. And women wonder why men avoid high maintenance, or temperamental women. If I know a woman has even just a temper, I speak to her only when absolutely necessary, and say as little as possible. These women have a large flashing neon sign over their heads, that says “DANGER: reptilian alien host, use extreme caution.”

    Being high maintenance is generally relationship poison. High maintenance people wear down their friends, quickly. Extremely high maintenance people, like feminists, scare people away quickly. Years ago, I was in a class, on spiritual stuff believe it or not, with several feminists. I listened to them talk, and put stealth mode on. They had nasty things to say about men, they repeated all the hatred they’d heard in their womens’ studies courses. These women were in their late 30’s, 40’s, and a couple older than that. I knew I would say as little as possible to them. And then, they would talk about how there weren’t any desirable men, to have a long term relationship and family with. I thought I was hallucinating. They complained about men who worked in stores, who didn’t make much money, laughed about how they would have to support them, even, (with the clear implication that they had no desire whatsoever to support a man) and so on. I kept my mouth shut. Closed mouths admit no feet. Talk may be silver, but silence is golden. Plus, it was all very enlightening and entertaining. I wear a wedding ring, as I am married, and respect my vows, and wife. One of them came on to me, even so. I went into low energy mode, you know, soyboy, weak, emotional, so I’d look a lot less alpha. No reason to be angry, or insult anyone, or take the risks of plain speech with women. And she left. She didn’t put a lot of energy into it, it was kind of like a “I know it won’t work, but I’ll try it anyway” thing, just like guys did in high school.

    Super successful women are a special case. You know they have an ego, you know they have strong opinions, you know they are in male mode. For some men, going out with women like this is kind of like going out with a gay, or a trannie, something just does not feel right. Some guys have told me it was like finding a woman, feeling the surge, and then discovering she’s a ladyboy. They not only felt not positive polarity with these women, they felt a strong negative polarity, that made them want to unass the area as quickly as possible. Obviously some really successful women are married, and happy in that. Any many aren’t. Men are generally more adaptable than women, at least in my experience. Most men know they have to adapt to the situation. Many women seem to want to force the situation to adapt to them. This is like fighting with a rip tide.

    Discovering a woman has her own house, for example, is kind of like discovering that beautiful mermaid is actually Ursula. Or a dragon. He knows he will always be a gigolo in that house, dismissable at any time. Remember the Aesop story, about the country mouse? Better a crust, in peace, than luxurious food, in constant turmoil.

    Most men want peace of mind, in a relationship. Peace. Benjamin Disraeli married a woman with white hair. He openly told her that he married her for her money. She just smiled. She knew how to play the game. When he came home, she made sure he had peace. Perhaps his slippers were ready, perhaps he had a snack, but he heard not one single word of bitching, or complaining, or draining out of toxic judgment. He had a very low stress environment, at home, where he could relax, destress, and replenish his energy. He couldn’t believe it. Even in Victorian England, this was not so common, which is one reason they had gentlemen’s clubs. Within two years, he told her he’d have married her for love, had he known what he was getting into. I am married to a woman with white hair. She is peaceful, most of the time, far more than any woman I’ve been with. Here is an example of a very successful woman, successful at her relationship. Noise from kids is fine. Men are fine with that. Bitching destroys relationships, though.

    • Women like this think their success is a magic wildcard to everything they want in life. It is not so.
      They are playing a game. They are playing at not playing a game. If I show them I see they are, I shall break the rules and they will punish me. I must play their game, of not seeing I see the game. Let’s talk MGTOW.
      1. The rules, the courts, the women, are against us, in a rigged game.
      2. We can’t change the rules of the game.
      3. The only rational solution is to not play the game, until or unless the rules are changed in our favor.

      I am 38, I was never married. I always thought I was a failure. After seeing women like this, and worse, I suddenly realized that the Universe was taking care of me, and I am a winner.

      I have a friend, who didn’t understand this. His ex had more red flags than the DoT. He made the extremely expensive mistake of white knighting her, and she made sure he felt the pain of his mistake, to the tune of 6 figures down the drain. If a woman does not have a mother happily married to her father, who has a good heart, a great smile, who loves people, and the woman herself has a good heart- don’t even pump and dump. Get away, as fast as you can. They are poison.

  21. Maureen Dowd is irritating when she affronts our closest held biases, as she does with her book Are Men Necessary? Her critique of Bill Clinton’s womanizing rankled my liberal prejudice, but eventually helped me realize how deeply it offended large segments of the public, especially given that he suffered little consequence for what many women reported as actual rape.

    Yet she seems to fixate on the sexual aspects of our society. Her book is her own exploration of that obsession. She admits in the very first line that she does not understand men – and even that she does not understand what she does not understand about them. At least she is honest. You don’t know what you don’t know, right? Her several accounts of misanthropic affairs and flirtations suggest that she sees courtship and romance less as the ritualized surrender to necessary emotions, and more as stylized machinations to seize the high ground, and while she might disparage “How to Catch and Hold a Man”, one suspects that she read it attentively.

    Dowd’s basic thesis is that feminism’s road, which she once believed to be a six-lane freeway, appears now to be a gated cul-de-sac. While it is hard to separate the serious criticism from the satire, it is clear that she thinks women have succumbed to playing out bimbo fantasies from popular culture. She ridicules the Harvard MBA’s who trade their textbooks for miniskirts and cover up their academic successes to score a date. Yet she somehow seems to also envy them. Dowd is most relentless in her sarcastic attacks on men. While she clearly feels that they are congenitally unfit for public office, she also thinks that things might work out because the Y chromosome is disappearing and in a few hundred thousand years men will be history anyway. One hopes that there is some irony here, but it is apparent that she harbors a rather deep-seated resentment of males. Hatred is really not a very good foundation for useful analysis. Maureen Dowd wrote in an attempt to answer a question that haunts her even more than sexuality: “If I am so successful, why am I dissatisfied?” Many men notice that women are increasingly dissatisfied, and polls show this, as well. Perhaps it has something to do with how success is defined, by the media. The book is an entertaining introduction to the American politics from a feminist perspective, and thoughts about feminist-like figures, e.g. Hillary Clinton. Why has Hillary Clinton betrayed the feminist ideals? It is very simple: feminism by definition is anti-elitist. But Hillary wanted to be the elite, no matter what the price. Gender is often about style and tone. The style of Maureen Dowd reminds me style of Sarah Palin – her otherwise ideological opponent. Dowd knows that male, “phallic” authority is a posture. Dowd, like Palin, has a “castrating” effect on mal opponents not by way of being more manly than them (like Hillary), but by using the ultimate feminine weapon, the sarcastic put-down of male authority. The primary mover in both cases is a heightened self-righteousness. I am fine if this spawns a sarcastic but funny book like this. I am less OK when this self-righteousness spawns global Politics. Self-righteousness is poisoning American politics. This book was probably intended to “call out” men, and also as a remembrance of why we do not wish to continue the trauma of the Clinton years (which have never really left us, and are continuing to devastate us). Americans have short memories. Ms. Dowd’s book was published in 2005. All we need to remind us of the shortcomings of Hillary Clinton and her accomplice, “Slick Willy Boy” Bill Clinton are the chapters of “Are Men Necessary?” The Clintons are definitely and definitively not necessary. This book is probably one of number of books which warn American voters about the dangers of inviting a First Family, any First Family, back to The White House. 200 and some odd years ago, The United States decided it did not wish to have monarchical government. Even though our democratic republic has been just an experiment, it has failed as most experiments do and in that failure many “monarchical’ families have been involved. The Clintons and the Bushes were a revolving door in which the nation found itself to be injuriously stuck. Dowd is known for her no-holds barred vitriolic take on controversial issues. This book treads on a topic that in the post ’70s era of feminism and PC-ness been a whisper in the ears of smart females: “men don’t want women like you”. Drawing upon the overt and covert messages given by mass media, and by specific people. Dowd analyzes the provenance of this perception. She then comes up with the question “Are Men Necessary?” Dowd does not answer this. This book is primarily a social commentary on the current state of the union, or what is more puzzling for her and women like her, the current LACK of unions between men and smart, accomplished women. Dowd uses her own experiences and those of her peers to illustrate her points. Switch the genders. How much do women like to be around sarcastic, insulting men? If her name was Max, instead of Maureen, and the genders were switched, in her commentary, we might see something useful. Smart as she is, she does not seem to understand the basics. Napoleon Hill wrote about a horse, that people were trying to push into the back of a truck. Many strong men tried, and failed. Then an old Irish woman went in front of the horse, and held a carrot to its nose. She then backed into the truck. The horse followed.

    In my grandfather’s day, people told stories and anecdotes, to illustrate wisdom. Once, the North Wind boasted of great strength, and power, and ability to force anything. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness, and focus. The North wind challenged the Sun to a contest. They looked down, and saw a traveller walking a country road, with a warm winter coat. The North Wind said that he could blow the coat off the man. So he blew, and blew, and blew. It was as if a storm had come. The man quickly took shelter behind a low stone wall, and held ever tighter to his coat. In time, the Wind gave up, defeated.

    Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air, and the frosty ground, smiling on the earth. The man got up, dusted himself off, and began walking. In the heat of the Sun, the man unbuttoned his coat. As the heat grew, he took his coat off, and sat in a shady spot to rest.

    The North Wind was utterly astonished, and asked, “How on earth did you do that?”. The Sun simply smiled, and said, “I simply helped him want to take off his coat. I lit up his day, and through gentle power, got my way.”

    Dr. Milton Erickson told of finding a stray horse, as a young man. He had no idea whose it was, but he was smart. He mounted the horse, and gave it free rein. It began walking. He let it walk. It walked down a road. It walked to a farm, and walked into its barn. The owners were astonished, and asked Erickson how he had done that. Erickson said, “Well, the horse knew the way. I just let it follow the path”.

    How much of politics is foolishness like this, and from both sides of the aisle. As the African proverb goes, when elephants fight, the grass gets trampled. This is a metaphor, that when politicians fight, the little people get hurt. It doesn’t matter who the parties are.

    Maureen Dowd asks the question, “Are men necessary?” Just another gust of wind. She doesn’t understand what she is talking about. There are many happy Suns, among women, in the USA, though they don’t seem to show up in our media, which is very engaged in acting like the North Wind.

    I’m reminded of an old joke, about people with a sharp wit. They may think they are a wit, but they are only half-right.

    • The market IPO of women today is grossly overpriced considering that the stock is only going to drop consistently. I’m no longer motivated to buy. More and more men are realizing that the dating/marriage game is rigged. The house always wins. It is safer and better to walk out of the marriage casino. And as I look at your description of this woman, she’s really a hardcase, isn’t she? She really messes with her staff. And that high and mighty attitude carries over when she goes out looking for a guy. This is a woman who needs to be playing in the girl pond.

  22. I am surrounded by some brilliant women who are good “catches”, beautiful women my guy friends always ask me about. I have also seen these same smart, independent women struggle in bad relationships or fly solo for long periods of time, despite their best efforts to land a good guy. How is that possible? Those that did have healthy relationships had some secret sauce of attraction. I asked guy friends what was up. “So what’s your type?” They would say “smarter and more successful is good!” Then I’d then hear about a doctor, entering her third decade, about to give up on dating, because men didn’t value her brains. This is a mismatch. A new study from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin said Men like more intelligent women when they imagine them as romantic partners, from a distance. Up close, it changes. In one test, they told men that an unknown woman down the hall outperformed or underperformed them on an intelligence test. Then they were told to choose this woman as a romantic partner. The guys more frequently desired the woman who outperformed them. Then, the men were given an intelligence test, and told that they were about to meet a woman who had outdone them on the same exam.
    The men didn’t go after this awesome woman, according to lead researcher Lora Park, a professor in psychology at University at Buffalo. “When the woman was in a real-life face-to-face interaction — men moved their chair further away from the woman, as an indicator of less interest in her, and reported less romantic attraction toward the woman when she outperformed versus underperformed him on a test. Park says men only know what they want in theory. Men are influenced less by their ideal partner preferences and more by their emotions or feelings at the moment. Men outperformed by a woman in a domain that they cared about — intelligence — felt threatened, assessed by diminished self-ratings of masculinity, which then led them to act from the subconscious, not conscious mind. They avoided what they said they liked, for someone who didn’t best their intelligence.

    Men are intimidated by a woman who is the full package. Maybe it’s because men are forced to look at the long term. A full package can pack up and leave anytime, which makes commitment risky. 70% of divorces are initiated by women, of which 90% have college degrees. These full package women are also high risk, for marriage.

    I asked one good friend what he was looking for in a lifelong partner. Of course he said he wanted a smart, independent, successful, beautiful woman. Later, he also said that if he didn’t feel like he could succeed with her, he’d look for bad points, to cut his losses.

    One handsome guy older than I am, clearly world wise, said “I want her to be smart and successful,” he said. “But not as smart and successful as I am.” A brilliant female friend, an entrepreneur, had a great date. He made her a gourmet dinner. They talked for five hours. And he distanced her into the friend zone. I asked him why. He said she’s perfect. Too perfect.

    It’s a Love Gap, of women with preferential status, psychological distance, fear, timelines, previous relationship trauma, gender roles, differences in the sexes’ view of love, emotions, and vulnerability. Women no longer practice “relationship-nurturing” qualities today. Dominance games kill intimacy, too. Career women with substance, charm, and stretch goals, who always filled my life with fun and positive energy, were having sob-filled phone calls about men who were breaking their hearts.

    Men have an “end goal” woman in mind, to whom they would feel safe in committing to, or, as a few men put it, putting their nuts in a vise for. Note that word, safe. How secure is a relationship with a woman who is a millionaire? Men evaluate risk in relationships very differently. Women have few risks, in relationships. Men have massive risks in relationships. Men know this, more and more. Men have a biological clock, but they have no choice but to live separate from their emotions. Women can cry, in public. Men can’t. The courts are very biased in favor of women. Men know this. Men know that power balances matter, and that if a woman sees herself as more powerful, she can, and probably will, leave him for something better. Heartbreak from a broken romance is much smaller than heartbreak from seeing children suffer. Men are forced to look at the long term, to evaluate long term risk. Those perfect women, considered in the long term, aren’t very good prospects, from their point of view. They also know that women have emotional reactions, and don’t think rationally, from their point of view. They can get upset over nothing, and do him great damage. Men consider all this.

    • Women talk about women who are great “catches” for a man. Now really. If a woman was a great catch, wouldn’t she already have been caught? A “great catch” who isn’t caught isn’t really a great catch. I went to the grocery store today. There was a clerk there. I’ve talked to her now and then, over the last five years, well my wife goes with me to the grocery store. She is somewhat overweight, however, she has a great smile, is bright, and pleasant. She got married two years ago. She was particularly radiant today, and I noted that. She said with some pride that she was pregnant.

      A bird in the hand, is worth a thousand in the bush. Somebody thought she was a great catch. And she is achieving a goal. She is successful by her standards.

  23. Bright and educated women know they are more likely to be single. They resent that “ignorant women get the man and intelligent women never feel bliss.” Why don’t men want women with whom they can converse intelligently, and who challenge them? When did the aversion to strong and intelligent women become a code orange?

    Have you ever heard feminists seeking for equality in divorce settlements? Complaining about how too many women get child support and custody? From a man’s point of view, this makes most feminist arguments hollow, opportunistic, and exploitive. It also means that commitment to marriage comes at a very high risk for them. Women don’t account for this.

    Men would also not like to be last on the wife’s priority list, after she runs her business, takes care of her errands, and all the other things that come before relationship. It is nice to be needed. Women so successful they “don’t need a man”, check this out, don’t need a man! Women who do need a man, and are willing to commit, have a very different place in negotiating long term relationships.

    So, do women play stupid, to get a man? A beautiful, attractive female isn’t desirable for her mind, and those with strong characters are seen as threatening, masculine and undesirable. One survey noted that female intelligence was predicted to cause problems in relationships. High intelligence in the male partner was not seen as problematic, but desirable.

    These cultural stereotypes and gender biases are inhibiting women from being seen as equals. Women pooh pooh this as sexist leftovers from previous generations. Men evaluate risk in the moment, though. It is not stereotypes and old programming, to them. It is their survival, in the now. Rational and educated women are being ignored and chastised for their intelligence. Or so women see it. Men see them as high risk. Women who are successful cannot seem to get this, even as they feel that nagging, pestering pain as men continually take them out to dinner, have a great time then decide they’re not worth the risk. Some settle. Women everywhere are dipping below their standards just to find men who appreciate them. They are giving up things they thought they wanted for nothing more than a simple “he’s good to me.” Women are asking: Where’s the man who was supposed to challenge, support, and understand you? To celebrate you? To pour attention into you? They don’t understand or appreciate that men have to settle, all the time. Oh, the woman, who did half the work you did, got the promotion, for an equal opportunity quota? Tough S, dude, you gotta eat your pride. Now you get to deal with it in dating, too! But men have more options in dating, including not having dates at all.

    In an article by “The Daily Mail,” Minister of Universities David Willetts said “Successful women will have to ‘marry down’ by choosing partners less qualified than them. They may select men based on how supportive they might be to their careers, rather than whether they can support them financially.” He is unrealistic. Men assess risk. They have no choice.

    Women complain about male egos. What they don’t understand is that it is risk assessment, not ego. That great looking car got a crummy review in Consumer Reports, so it gets crossed off the list. The woman who has it all… doesn’t have what it takes to make a marriage work. Women are seemingly getting smarter, but men aren’t getting more supportive. What’s the reward for them, in that?

    Perhaps it’s a question of dominance. Dominance means survival, to a man. A woman who challenges his space is challenging his survival. Few people can handle that rationally. The number of college-educated women now outweighs the number of college-educated men, which diminishes options in the dating pool. Men aren’t ready to accept being second in the bread-winning competition, since this is a deep, primal threat to their survival, and this is causing women to either settle or stay single. In Paradise Lost, Iblis says “it is better to rule in hell, than to serve in heaven.” That’s extreme, but yes, better captain of a small ship, than a lowly sailor on a big ship- for a man.

    Intelligence breeds ambition, which breeds neglect. Neglect for love, boyfriends and years spent pursuing that MRS Degree. Neglect in college, focusing on studies rather than finding a man and neglect at work, refusing to spend nights out at bars and clubs, or spending such nights with the wrong sort of men, are not productive. Unfortunately, for all those women who thought a man would come later, other women capitalized on their youth, snatching up all the boyfriends and husbands while they focused on building their careers. How many of these women said, “I don’t need a man!”, often, perhaps marching in those odd parades. And men looked on, and believed them. Why would any sane man seek out a woman who doesn’t need him?

    Some women went into college with a focused intent to come out wives, slowly but steadily snatching up the number of available men from all those women who chose to focus totally on their professional dreams. This increases once women leave college. Some work harder in achieving professional success to fill the void. You may be sensitive, sweet and insecure, but your intelligence- which men see as high risk, and with reason- makes you threatening. You can choose to be intimidating and emasculating. Some women take pride in this, in the workplace. Most intelligent women don’t think they are pompous or arrogant about it, but men read it into their behavior, as part of their risk assessment. They anticipate that the woman is going to correct them, upstage them or, God-forbid, make them feel worthless. Most had one mother, and don’t want another. Women see it as a double bind. If a woman seems too smart or accomplished, she’s as “non-dating material.” If she’s witty and competitive, she’s viewed as challenging and overbearing. Men see it as risk assessment. Survival is a strong drive, in men. Eskimos know that to hunt seals, they have to understand everything about seals- how they feed, how they live, and so on. They have to enter the mind of the seal. Women believe that reading a few articles in some woman’s magazine is enough. This is like entering a new city, without a GPS or a road map. You may be able to blunder your way through, but it isn’t pleasant.

    • Remember the story of the sour grapes.
      A fox saw some grapes, growing high. The fox tried to shake the vine, but nothing fell. The fox tried to climb, but wasn’t able to. After trying everything, the fox said, “Well, they’re probably sour anyway, and I didn’t want them.”

      How many women do exactly the same thing, with men. What is the old saw, you catch more flies with honey, than with vinegar.

  24. Your discussion misses one crucial point. What percentage of children in the USA are not the biological children of the men their mothers were married to, at birth? I’ve seen studies that say this can be as high as 30%. It is easy to determine who a child’s mother is. Determining the father means genetic testing, which is now possible. Men know very well how much women play around. There are often more women looking, in bars, than men. Men really don’t want to pay six figures to raise the children of the bad boys. And successful women have many more opportunities to play around. A friend of mine has a relative, a woman, who is drop dead gorgeous. And she comes on to men, in her high powered legal world. I don’t give details, but let’s say she’s at the top of the heap for a legal specialty for which companies pay six to seven figures for. She has a husband, yes, and many opportunities to play around, and she doesn’t miss any opportunity. Her husband doesn’t know. She married him for the respectability, and image. Nobody seems to discuss this anywhere. It is very real for men. Read stories about how men react to finding this out. It will be quite an education.

  25. 40 percent of all babies now are born to single moms or to unmarried partners. Life outcomes for children of single parent families are very much worse, than for children of stable families. Pooling resources can make many aspects of life easier, from affording a home to being involved at school. Coupling up also helps people stay healthier and live longer, especially men.

    Media propaganda may celebrate unattached moms, as in “Gilmore Girls” and “Girls”
    Affluent, professional women have an easier time being single by choice, or not by choice. Two-parent households, which tend to have more time as well as more money, have been shown to be good for kids. Children whose mothers are continuously married grow up to make higher incomes at age 40 than children raised at some point by single parents. Children with married parents also have more engaged parents, and it’s the engagement that really matters. The sharp rise in single-parent families has contributed to sky-high inequality. Some economists have struggled to figure out how to induce working-class couples to marry. But if a steady income doesn’t make a man marriageable anymore, what does? Religious and cultural expectations can help. Education seems to help most, as it speaks to a person’s long-term job prospects and earning potential.
    Non-marital childbearing has become the norm among young mothers and mothers with low levels of education. That’s unfortunate, as it burdens the children greatly. States with high rates of education also tend to produce stable families: In Minnesota, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Connecticut, at least 51 percent of teenagers are being raised by both biological parents, among the highest rates in the nation. So how do we keep the lads in school?

  26. Women tend to drive men away from relationships.

    1. Playing games, and upstaging men. Men do not want to compete with women in a relationship, be it education, money, the last word, who was right or wrong, women upstaging or dissing them, disagreeing for drama, or being rude and/or condescending or cutting down what a man says when he states his personal thoughts and opinions. Women who have more money, more expensive cars, or more education are fine, until they are used to mark a oneupmanship superiority. Men don’t like energy drains.

    2. Being clingy and demanding. Men need their space, sometimes, to feel that they aren’t trapped. Wise older women understand that a man seeking his space stretches an elastic band, which in time pulls him back. Accusing a man of being selfish, silly, or making up excuses to cheat. Smart women know that a man needs his space and doesn’t hold it against him. She’s confident enough to know that each person needs his/her own space to maintain a healthy relationship. Jealous women keep choke holds on their men and eventually drive them away.

    3. Acting sweet before, and then reverting to bitchiness after the man is nailed down.
    Gently batting eyes and shy smiles become frowns, pursed lips, and shrill tones. No more sexy clothes. Svelte becomes the fat grenade. Men don’t expect women to be superwomen who are able to work, cook, clean, and make love with flawless precision. Major personality shifts are disconcerting. A man may wonder how much he can trust this creature.

    4. Demanding a lot, like an expensive car, house, large credit card bills. A man may be quite happy as he is, yet be accused of being lazy, and lacking ambition.

    5. Confusing communication. “Women expect you to read their minds like a psychic.”, said one man. It is hard enough to understand the words women do speak, out of ever shifting moods. Women use gestures, facial expressions, and body language. Women often communicate incompatible messages, like saying of course the guy can go out with his buds, while clearly showing anger. Women put out their sign language, and men don’t know how to read it. Perhaps a woman is angry. The guy asks “What’s the problem?”. She says “You know very well what the problem is!” Except he doesn’t. So women think men are self-centers, and men thing women are touchy.

    6. Sex matters. Lack of enthusiasm, lack of rhythm, no creativity, and poor technique are problems. And using sex as a weapon only enrages men. Rejection is rejection.

    7. Drama addicted women. These women interrupt, or whine, to get attention. Being a victim, to attract the white knights, is not useful. Women who have to dis their friends are not useful. Women who watch soap operas are a ticking time bomb. Women who have to be embroiled in their problems are not useful.

    8. Being an ice queen, with sharpened disrespect. A cold home is not a home.

    9. cheating. Women fool around more than men do. And it takes two to tango.
    Some women blame men for their cheating. This is at best juvenile. There is the obvious one of affairs. There is the second one, of manipulative games to yank his chain. This only drains a man’s energy.

    10. A woman constantly proving she’s smart, tough, and independent, is very likely to stay independent. Competition is not productive, in relationships. Who has the most prestige, who has the most advanced degree, who gets the last word in, who is “right”.

    Communication is the flow of a relationship. No flow, no relationship.

    Many women engage in the above. Smart, successful women can engage in this much more.

    • Women aren’t partners anymore. Men are waking up to that, especially in their 50’s. There’s nothing as effective as seeing men destroyed in court, by parasites. And say, seeing the MGTOW guys who own a house, free and clear, income say $4500/mo, expenses $1,200/month, who are ready to retire lucratively before 60. Marriage is a very bad deal for men, getting worse, rapidly. and then we have women like this, who are clearly super high maintenance, with an ego bigger than a Zeppelin. And you’re surprised they have trouble finding mates?

      • Yes- there’s nothing quite like the disappointment, for a man, of taking the large risk of getting married, and then seeing her pull the pin on the fat grenade, turning the bitching function up to high, and otherwise getting daily more and more unpleasant. It’s as if courtesy cost more effort than climbing Mt Everest. And for every man going through this, there are ten watching, and learning. For every man gutted out, and put up on meat hooks, in divorce court, there are at least twenty learning from the experience, if not much more.

  27. How many of us have an acquaintance, the beautiful, intelligent, driven woman like Katherine Heigl in every rom-com seems to find that every guy she goes out with is a bad dude, she has to date “below” her league, and so on. At the age of 30, Jon Birger realized he and his wife knew a lot of women like that. They had few single male friends left, and many single women they knew all seemed to be buyers stuck in a seller’s market. One of those friends “had been dating a guy for two years. Marriage was clearly on the horizon. She was in her late 30s, he was mid 40s. She wants to have kids, get married, the whole shebang, and she’s amazing in every way.” He asked her about it one day. “They’d been dating for over two years and he said he ‘just wasn’t ready to settle down.’” Birger wondered why a man that age would cast aside such an amazing woman?

    Some manosphere intel: women date up and men date down. A female Vice-President of some company only has interest in the President. Because they “deserve” that. As more and more women graduate universities, their eligible pool of candidates for dating dries up. That’s why these women complain about “dating down”. There are only so many CEOs and spots in the corporate harem out there, and many want a nicer woman who won’t compete with them. Sucks for them, I suppose. They’re not the only disappointed ones out there though. Many beta men played by the rules, got their STEM job, got financially stable, and went looking for the eligible pool of attractive women. They were lied to, also.

  28. A lot of women want to be independent. Many become quite successful. Then they hit 30 or so, and get the baby rabies. They realize that having a man to share the load is a good idea, since, well, lesbians aren’t easy to live with. And as with many women, they expect the man to entertain them, they get bored, so, when the kid is in school with taxpayer-provided day care, they dump hubby. The judge gives them half his assets and a good chunk of his future income. He might get to see his child every other weekend and two weeks in the summer. Maybe. And the ex poisons the kids against him. And those really successful women don’t need a man, they just want a companion, to match the very inaccurate picture in their minds put there by romance novels. Men realize these women are even more likely to dump him than regular women. Plus, they don’t really have time for a relationship, or for taking care of children. Name one good point, about driven, professional women who spend all their time at work, from a husband’s point of view. You can’t. There are even more successful black women, who cannot find a husband. Men look at risk, and rewards. These women offer some very high risk, for very tiny rewards.

    • Some men have figured out that women are no longer the prize. No, men are the prize. There has been a sea change in relationships. Women start figuring this out in their 30’s, sometimes. By their 50’s, as with this woman… maybe you can buy a relationship.

  29. So many women these days wave their degree, and think “degree + me = awesomesauce!”. Well, no. Except it doesn’t make her a superstar who needs to be entertained and catered to everywhere she goes. Though that’s how she behaves. Their Facebook and dating site profiles and dating site profiles say “I’m perfect, so if I actually show up for the date, consider yourself privileged.” Yes, they have trouble getting dates. Feminism turned women into narcissistic, solipsist children.

  30. Successful women struggle in love for the same reason someone who has no idea how to swim struggles in deep water.

    1. SW’s are extremely opinionated, with little discretion in how they speak. They have something to say about everything. A dogmatic woman, who defends her opinions against all comers, isn’t good for any kind of partnership, much less marriage. Smart people know that they don’t discuss hot button items, with those who might take offense. There are times when silence is very productive.

    2. Where does the fame and wealth game shut down, and romance and a serious marriage begin? Successful women hang around alpha males, and friends in high-end social and financial areas. They don’t want to marry “beneath” them, but men at their level have much better options in women, with far less danger of losing it all. No man wants to be a pinch hitter to a woman, to be hidden, like a gigolo. Except gigolos, of course. These women have no idea how to be a partner, instead of a boss.

    3. Women smart enough to maintain marriages are flexible. She pays attention to her partner, and adapts and negotiates. Really smart women are typically so in one area, which doesn’t transfer.

    A man convinced, against his will is of the same opinion, still

    What is it like for a guy to be married to a female executive, say, or a high end lawyer? Hell. She certainly doesn’t need him, her ideas are always better than his, she excels at whatever she does, in her own mind if not in everyone’s mind. People with high IQs tend to have few people skills. This wears particularly badly, in a relationship.

    4. A self-confident woman is attractive and better to be around than the one who always pities and doesn’t believe in herself. But there is a middle ground, a balance. When self-confidence becomes absolute, deaf to feedback, it becomes difficult to live with, even before confrontation and aggression kick in. Some have delicate egos. Some are so wedded to their ideas that they won’t negotiate, or allow others space. How many men want conflict at home, like this? Other than extreme self-haters, the number is zero. I worked for a vicious princess like this for 12 years. I knew how to deal with it, because I kept good records, and it wasn’t possible to ambush me. She did regularly put female employees in tears, with her harassment. It didn’t help that her favorite employee was a lazy bully of a woman, either.

    5. Successful women often like to put men down, because they are an alpha female, the cutting edge of feminism. They do it without awareness of it, even. Some like to insist that a mate do housework every day, for kicks I guess. She may say, “if you don’t like it, you can get out of my house” He married a partner, not a slavemaster. He won’t allow you to pay bills every time you guys are out on a date, so why do you expect him to do house chores every day? He knew what to eat when he was a bachelor but not when he’s got you in his life. Black people in the old South knew to play stupid, to deal with nasty authority figures. So do men. And black people moved north, starting in the 20’s, because of it. Just as men leave these successful women.

    6. All women have extremely unrealistic expectations about relationships. Highly successful women know all the answers, and pursue the perfect guy, as an accessory to all the other success. Setting respectable standards is good; no one wants to date a loser anyway. These women tend to set their standards too high, without allowing imperfection, and men have no interest in this. If a man makes her happy, and feel loved, wanted and appreciated, one would think that would be enough. But it isn’t with women, usually, and is even less so, with this kind of woman. Fairy tales are illusions. So are perfect men.

    7. Many successful women KNOW IT ALL ALREADY! They can fix car breakdowns, or repair drywall, perhaps even simple plumbing issues. Great! A man sees that, and says, “So I guess I’m just chopped liver, this one doesn’t need me, which means she is playing head games.” These women restrict a man’s ability to contribute. Men who are not parasites feel out of place, if they aren’t contributing. Yes, women can sometimes do these tasks. If a woman asks a man if he could do it, and he doesn’t, she could step in. But she gave him a chance, and he missed it. Men need to feel essential, to a relationship. Or they realize they aren’t essential.

    8. Some successful women are super busy, even at home. They cannot change roles; they come in with general’s stars, to boss around the corporal. He probably also worked a long day, with less control over events than you have. Sure, dump on him, even in bed. Watch him droop like a falling tree. He does need sex, but you shut him down. High charge, no release with you… means he goes looking elsewhere, who will make him feel needed, and manly. Why do wealthy men go to the most expensive hookers, if they have it good at home? Oh, wait, they don’t have it good at home. Good sex with a six, at home, beats sex with a hooker who’s a 10. No sex at home makes all women outside start looking really good. Men need, in relationships, sex, a good supportive wife, and money.

    9. Some successful women are so propagandized, and militant, about being super strong to beat men in the workplace. Smart warriors know you leave the armor, and weapons, and trauma, at the door, when you get home. These women do not understand this. They do not understand that complementing a man is far more effective than making his life hell. About 40 years ago, there was a popular song, in Turkey, about a rich woman, with a young male secretary, and how things didn’t work out so well. Arabs loved the catchy tune, but not the subject, so it became “The girls of Iskandaria”.

    10. Very successful women tend to be perfectionists. “MIss Perfect” is very likely to stay perfectly single, for her entire life. What you concentrate on grows, or shrinks, the relationship. A woman who bitches about every small mistake a man makes, does not keep that man around long. There is an old joke about men get married, hoping the wife will never change, and women get married, hoping to change the husband greatly, and both are disappointed. If a man has to climb a mountain, on foot, to please a woman, he starts looking elsewhere, for lower cost fun. Men know they are imperfect. They also know that regular ambushes are not the route to peace. A man who has to walk on eggshells around a woman walks away.

    11. Highly educated women tend to be arrogant. These women think their Ph.D., Masters or whatever puts them among the host of heaven, unworthy of contamination with lowly working men, say. Some of these women who had to settle for a lesser educated man rub his nose in it daily. Most men with self respect don’t tolerate this. I have met truckdrivers, with a HS diploma, who were far better than a few female PhD’s I know.

    12. Successful women who have authority at work, where people lick their feet, and treat them like a Duquesa, take this attitude home. Men react badly to women like this. They may not just ghost them. They might be spectacularly rude. Or they might put up with it, until they can work a great revenge.
    There is an old joke about three huge motorcycle gang members, who entered a restaurant, and humiliated a trucker. They took his food, rubbed it on him, and so on. He got up without a word, paid for his meal, and left. The gangbangers sat down and laughed. They said to the waitress, “He sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?” The Waitress responded, “You’re right, and he also isn’t much of a driver, either, he just backed his semi rig over three motorcycles.”

    13. Successful, powerful women, say senators, cops, judges or business women, have the ability to really hurt a man. Psychologists who analyze men drive them crazy. There are a number of divorced female attorneys. Do I need to say more? Intimidation does not lead to intimacy. These women need to be more flexible.

    14. Trying to please a picky woman is like forcing condoms on church folks. These women have a specific fashion designer, restaurant, drink, car, and so on, and a strong dislike for what doesn’t fit with her. If your best restaurant is closed, you can’t eat? If your best dress tears, you go without clothing? You do need standards. They need to be reasonable.

    15. These women will put down men because they controlled it all, they want the man at their mercy.
    No man wants to be in a one-down position. He’d rather watch bad videoporn, than be put down this way. He knows these women will cheat when they meet their prince, and men see them as walking divorce documents.

    16. And perhaps the most important thing: highly successful women love their jobs, or companies. That is their first love. He is nothing more than some side action.

    17. Men seek partners, not bosses.

  31. I knew a woman, in high school, who graduated in 1975. She was tops in everything. She played basketball, she was in the band, she was in the debate club, she had fantastic grades, people knew she was going places. She said in advanced math class that she wanted four children. She went on to get her B.S., and then an M.D. She specialized in OB. She now works a delivery room. I met her at a class reunion. She was divorced. Of course. She was always arrogant, insensitive, opinionated, and had to be the best, and to top others. She insulted guys regularly, and they learned quickly to keep their distance. She doesn’t have children. I’m sure she’s very happy with all that success. Her father is a WW II veteran, still alive, she put him in a home somewhat close. She knew all there was to know, about everything, except relationships. I’ve seen doctors like her go with artificial insemination. And I laugh as hard as I can. That is almost adoption, it leaves a void in the kid. And of course it also means child care, outside of school. And minimal attention from mom. I do wish her well- far away from me. The only realistic ambition she can have is to be a booty call. Except she’s 62, now, and the latest pictures at her employer’s website show a swollen face, with white hair. She played around some with older guys, in high school. Cool. She doesn’t understand that men in her age and success bracket have, to use a dated expression, more prospects than the Sears catalog has toys.

  32. Suzanne, you don’t say if your friend is a feminist. I’d bet she is. She spends 100 hour weeks, doesn’t she. She might be able to pencil in a guy, say on Friday night. What guy with any prospects, who worked hard to get the degree, and in his job, wants to put up with that? She is a BC- a booty call. And she has a lot of competition even in that tranche. She has those toxic waste signs posted all around her- to men with intelligence, and by that age, men are either halfway intelligent, or dead. You cannot teach anything to women like her. You can commiserate, you can listen as they drain their frustration, you can feel for her, but you cannot cure her.

  33. I see women who are not as career-oriented, or in ok jobs, more often become wives and mothers rather than women who are business owners, doctors, lawyers, or scientists to become wives or mothers. Do men generally not prefer women who are career-oriented and/or ambitious as romantic life partners? From my experience, it’s rarer to see an ambitious woman being in a committed long relationship (marriage). I feel like it may have something to do with the masculine/feminine dynamic.
    So, how does a career-oriented woman achieve happy, long term marriage?

    I asked some male friends, who also noted that career women are often single. They said it is the women who are creating this. They’ll say, “Since I make $130,000… then I deserve a man who makes $190,000. There is no question that I’m a prize catch, my education and salary prove that, so I don’t need to settle.” So, statistically, they eliminated 98% of potential mates as possibilities. And they can’t understand that a man making $190 K has options. Lots of options. He may prefer to commit to a woman who is more likely to stay married to him, and be committed, spend time raising children, be available for him weekends, and so on. D’ya think? Life is like a big buffet. You have to pick and choose, because you can’t eat every item on the buffet. You were lied to. You can have anything you want- so long as you pay the price. You cannot have everything you want. The simple fact is that men date down and women date up. Provider and protector, in a man, does something very primal in a woman. But these qualities add no attraction for women to men, much to the chagrin of many career women, who cannot understand that men don’t want competition at home.

    A working woman may have more value to a man, though.

    •A woman who works is occupied with something is less likely to be bored. Boredom leads to all kinds of bad things, like playing around. Did I mention playing around? No? Oh, well, every man over 30 has heard stories about bored wives who played around.

    •A woman who works adds income to the family finances.

    •A part time working woman still has time to be a good wife and mother, first and foremost. A high powered career woman doesn’t. No amount of lying or misrepresentation or domestic servants can change that.

    •A high powered career woman will look down at her husband, lose sexual attraction for him, cause him to feel useless, and generally jerk him around. Men don’t tolerate that well. Healthy ones don’t.

    •A high powered career woman often has a ” light years better than thou” attitude. This repels men in a 100 mile radius, at least those interested in marriage. Bad boys don’t care, of course, and are happy to deal with these frustrated women. For a short time.

    It isn’t the career itself that wards off a male candidate to welcome her as a wife and mother. It is actually the attitudes, the smug superiority, the disguised desperation, the Feminist contempt for men, and the toxic relationship dynamics that often make these women much less desirable to men despite them being wealthier. Money isn’t everything. A female scientist with a masters degree will much prefer to date another highly educated, ambitious person. They have more choices. Also, women who go into high stress careers that demand lots of education aren’t as interested in getting married/ having a family, and don’t make it a priority. It’s only an accessory. Women who do want to get married and have kids earlier in life make life choices that support that goal.

  34. I am a career woman, married to a man on disability due to a back injury. I am and will be the breadwinner. We started our marriage believing egalitarian and feminist dogma. This caused problems. We both felt naturally gendered as male/female and needed clear demarcations.
    I was surprised how much I needed him to “act like a man,” to be attracted to him. I defer to him on most stuff in his domain, our home, and seek his input often about how to manage our money. We used to manage our finances separately. I respect and honor his authority and support him making leadership decisions for the family, as much as I can. I am happy when I can see him as the head of home, and a decision maker. He makes good decisions, and takes weight off me.

    I do have to maintain my own career, make decisions, and all that. I really need the break, of home.
    I happily do more at home, because I can do more. Other career women I see either seekout super ambitious men, or bitterly resent their men for not being sufficiently ambitious. I feel that, but respect my husband in his place. He does support my career, and help me, as much as he can. There are still more women than men in education, retail, and childcare than in STEM, medicine, law, and so on. They do mostly want an educated woman who acts and looks classy. Few high powered men want to roll the dice on a hipster with wallpaper like tattoos all over her body. And many women under 25 today act and sound like trash. On the other hand, alpha career women are controlling. If they marry another alpha, well, the boat has two captains, and the boat doesn’t do well. Some would say that career oriented women who struggle with relationships aren’t very attractive. A plump woman making a high salary probably won’t get a guy with a higher salary. Some men note that career oriented women “wear” down and age faster, whether due to stress, lack of sleep, lack of life satisfaction, etc.

  35. Men are not intimidated by smart women. They know to avoid argumentive, bitchy, contrarian, prideful women. This is very common among women who proclaim themselves smart. I had to unlearn speaking up even if you have nothing good to say. People think intelligence and success is arguing, cutthroat competition, corporate climbing, debating and shutting down the opposition. THis could be so, but these are not useful in love, or even for friendship. Intelligence is also not street smarts. Men are very interested in women who are practical, intelligent, focused, and hard working, who handle stress in a healthy way, making wise choices that help the family. Unlike the PhD who has no idea how to deal with people, negotiate, plan, and so on. Intelligence in women is a good thing- if it is used to support the marriage. Men are very much turned off by aggressive, bitchy, competitive arguing, or intellectual preening, separated from female polarity. Healthy people hang out with those who make them feel good, who support them, not those who cut them down. Several studies say that men admire that intellectual quality from a distance, but not up close and personal, where it can hurt them. Women with areas they aren’t PhD’s in don’t drive men away. Smart women don’t have to hide it, they just need to show it’s part of a larger, very pleasant and effective, package, that will be highly supportive with long term commitment to a family. Respect, practical ability, experience in coping, focus, and femininity impress men looking for a *woman* far more than intellect.

  36. The below was very edited. It came off another site.

    “Men are intimidated by intelligent women” is total BS. Smart men desire smart women! They do not desire intelligent women with a chip on their shoulder who want to compete with and demean them. Smarter women who’ve been to college also have been exposed to feminism, which is toxic to healthy relationships. A smart, traditional women, with real valued, and a heart, has to fight men off with a stick.

    Agree. I love smart women, but I am turned off when they get all high, mighty and aggressive. I’m certainly not intimidated.

    I had a woman tell me that men found her intimidating. I almost told her, “Oh honey, you’re five foot-four and smell like flowers. Men aren’t intimidated; many just find you annoying and combative.”

    I think the mistake some women make is putting intelligence as their greatest accomplishment and central personality trait. This leads to bitterness when they feel their smarts aren’t being recognized.
    Being a good person is better than being a smart person, and truly smart women know to show good character more than showing off cleverness. It takes humility, which itself is a virtue.

    I find people who claim to be intelligent usually aren’t. Most intelligent people tend to humble about it and don’t advertise their “intelligence level”.

    girls acting like they have to prove their intelligence all the time has to be similair to guys trying to prove their alpha-ness all the time

    Intelligence can come at a price, perhaps in deficient social skills, or arrogance. Few men are attracted to socially inept or arrogant women. Men like focus, a good heart, good values, beauty, youth, fun, and domestic skill. Intelligence is pretty low on the list.

    Men are very much attracted to smart women, but not to women acting and behaving like men.

    It’s not the smart part that causes problems. It’s the arrogant attitude that causes problems.

    To me, this is equivalent of a man saying “I’m too good-looking, and that’s why I have problems with women. They are jealous of me because I am attractive.” It sounds ridiculous, because it is. And if you met a man saying this – even if he was really good-looking – you’d be questioning what’s really wrong with this guy. For one thing, he’s going around talking about how attractive he is, which makes him kind of conceited. But we all know that great-looking guys who are also good guys are not sitting home crying that they can’t find women. Same goes for intelligent women who are also well-rounded in other ways. Just because men are traditionally praised for intelligence (since it’s usually vital to get ahead in the workplace) doesn’t mean they are afraid for their woman to be intelligent. Just like women aren’t really horrified by a good-looking good guy, afraid he’ll steal the spotlight. But if he’s also arrogant, overly feminine / prissy, rude, or condescending? That’s a whole different set of problems. In my personal opinion, same for smart women who are crying that guys don’t like them, and saying it’s because they’re smart. It’s just easier to blame that than it is to look at what the real problem might be.

    Don’t mean to sound too harsh, but I know this from experience. I was one of those women, even as a teenager I bought into it. I thought the guys wouldn’t really come to me because I was too smart / deep / mature. And I am a physically attractive person, so I figured that had to be it. But I was missing the fact that I was emotionally dark, slow to laugh or joke, socially awkward, conceited, and painfully self-conscious. That’s what the kept the boys away. Being smart was just a convenient scapegoat.

    Arguments and intellectual head butting have no place in a marriage. Most men aren’t interested in having constant debates with their wives. The wives are supposed to be a soft landing, not a combative debate partner. The occasional debate adds spice to the marriage, but just like spice – you add a spoon or three to a whole pot! Overdo it, and it’s not good.

    I play dumb on my dating profiles. Every time I dated a “smarter” gal she was demeaning, condescending, lording her accomplishments, e.g. making partner by 30, 2 masters degrees, law review, etc. It was only at the end of the date that I reveal I hold a stem PhD from a top ten school , 30 published articles, patents, etc. An arogant ass is an ass regardless if you are a man or a woman.

    The issue is that “intelligence” literally corresponds to a low level of agreeableness. Feminists, “career women”, “smart women”, all have low levels of agreeableness, which is required to be successful in business. Unless women are aware of this in themselves and actually put work into learning how to regulate their emotions and communicate assertively under pressure, they will be intimidating. And considering that women usually score higher in neuroticism, self-reflection just won’t come as easily.

    I will happily lose an argument to a knowledgeable woman who uses logic, reason, careful listening, and a measured tone to teach me where I’m wrong. Knowledge and reason make everyone more genuine and graceful, thus, attractive

    Intelligence has the same effect on dating as a university degree; it reduces the pool of men that a woman will choose from because women tend to want men who are as/more degreed and intelligent than they are. There isn’t any stigma on intelligence per se, any more than there’s a stigma on height (both are out of your control). But just as most women prefer taller men (so a tall woman has a harder time dating), smarter women prefer smarter men and the same difficulty applies. On the bright side, due to how the gendered IQ bell curves work, there are MANY more intelligent men to choose from than comparably intelligent women if you’re at least one standard deviation smarter. (Once you’re in the 140IQ range, I think you’re outnumbered something like 5:1 male-female). The drawback, of course, is that a man doesn’t require a woman to be as intelligent as he is, so he has a larger pool to choose from than you do.

    In my experience, everyone likes intelligent people. No one likes people who spend all their time talking/bragging about how intelligent they are, regardless of gender. If you have to spend all your time talking about how smart you are and bragging about your intellectual hobbies, you’re arrogant, not intelligent. I don’t even think it’s actually a gendered issue, since (in my experience anyway) those people are unbearable regardless of if they are women or men. I’ve never met a man who was intimidated by my intelligence. I have, however, met women who are just kind of shitty who use that as an excuse to avoid any kind of self-reflection.

    The smartest people on earth tend to be very good conversationalists as well. They can judge their audience and talk at their level, whatever it may be. When I hear the phrase in the title, I just assume they are insufferable narcissists who TELL everyone how smart they are.

    Generally speaking, men are not intimidated by women and people are not intimidated by intelligence.
    Intimidation is a type of fear of the potential for violence. That generally isn’t an emotion that women inspire in men nor is it an emotion that intelligence inspires in people.
    Women can be annoying to men, frustrating to men, maddening to men and many other things, but usually not intimidating. Intelligence inspires awe in people who aren’t as intelligent. Awe causes you to want to come close but not too close. To be in the presence and bask in the glow of the awesome thing but to not be overwhelmed by it. Come into close proximity of a brilliant person and you’ll feel awe, not intimidation. So now that the words are properly defined, we can understand why women say that men are intimidated by their intelligence. Because there’s some projection and conflating going on here. Women are often intimidated by men and women need to be with men who are better than themselves in some way (taller, smarter, faster, richer etc). Therefore, many women assume that intelligence in her should be as valuable to him as his intelligence is to her. When she realizes that it isn’t + the fact that she often feels intimidated by men, she concludes that they must be intimidated by her intelligence. Nothing can be further from the truth, This “calculation” isn’t necessarily conscious. It likely is usually not conscious.

    Intelligent, humble women do just fine.

    Men are not intimidated by intelligence, men dislike snarky, egotistical women.
    Most self proclaimed intelligent people aren’t actually that smart. They just think they are, and believe they’re never wrong. If you’re actually smart, it will show without you having to clarify it.

    I have observed and seen the opposite- men like intelligent women. Women that can talk about anything, broaden their perspectives, know a thing or two about whatever subject.. I find that having more useful, survival-like knowledge attracts men, more than knowing algebraic equations and what not. For example, I get a lot of male attention when I start talking about animal husbandry (I have been breeding and raising poultry for years). They start asking a bunch of questions, they seem to be really intrigued. What men do not like are know-it-alls, arrogant people, obnoxious behavior, the like. Women don’t like this either. Not many like this kind of person. It shows that they are over-compensating for something. They lack personality.

    I absolutely love highly intelligent women with strong opinions about philosophy, politics, science, etc. I don’t consider those categories “feminine” at all, and guys I know complain that there simply aren’t many girls interested in those things. I think there’s a pretty large and underserved market for intelligent, opinionated women.

    I upvote this comment because I’m a woman who loves philosophy, politics, culture/arts in general. It was actually one of the defining factors that led my boyfriend to be attracted to me – because on my days off I go to the pool and read Wikipedia. He says too many women are into the newest “fashion trends” or superficial things. Because I am someone who likes these subjects (I don’t claim to be intelligent but I just claim to be interested), I did find that I needed a certain type of man, a man who is confident enough in himself. I found that when I dated men who couldn’t hold these types of conversations, they were actually quite insecure.

    You really distilled the essence of what I’m trying to say here. That interest is such a rare quality. There are tons of “intelligent” women, but seemingly so few that care about abstractions beyond their immediately lives and/or popular culture.

    Women usually don’t regard men who are below them in the smarts department highly. So, some men tend to have a defensive reaction against these women (not because being smart is off-putting, it’s merely to avoid rejection). Others are able to present themselves as respectable men by compensating with other qualities. A man prefers a woman that is not smarter than he is, because if she is smarter, his chances with her are going to get slimmer.

    I do believe that men in general are not turned on by nasty, argumentative, prideful women. Which is all too common these days among women who proclaim themselves smart. I am in a family that is completely dominated by two, extremely prideful women. The first, is the matriarch. Although, she has multiple degrees, her spouse is a Harvard graduate and is very accomplished. Nevertheless, she has completely emasculated him and he supports or even encourages her behavior. The second, is training to be a doctor. She is very tall, assertive, and prideful. She will literally stand over people to make them feel physically inferior. She has had many relationships and two engagements. From my observations, these women’s confidence attracts many suitors. These suitors encourage the behavior.
    I am very educated as well. However, I have a quiet, soft-spoken demeanor. I enjoy allowing men to take the lead. This has resulted in me being a complete shadow in my family. I have had far less suitors. That being said, men are very chivalrous towards me and I have never dealt with the types of volatility that I have witnessed the other two women experience.

    I agree that this statement is nonsense. I am considered by most who meet me to be intelligent. I’ve got the accolades to prove it too. However, I don’t think I have ever met a man intimidated by my intelligence even if it exceeded his own. Contrary to the popular myth, I think intelligence is a turn on for a lot of men. The self-absorption and combative nature that can accompany it in some people, however, is a big turn off for almost anyone.

  37. This continues a previous post, of very edited comments, from a site.

    Intelligence is neither attractive nor unattractive to men. So it adds no value. Intelligent women are more difficult to impress, therefore they require more value. Intelligence in a woman requires more value, but provides none. Street smarts, on the other hand, are very desirable in a woman.

    No question this statement is true for intelligence in the way it is thought of by most people in modern conditions. Feminine competence by comparison is extremely attractive. I would argue that competence is a result of conditional intelligence.

    don’t assume your intellect is going to impress him the way respect and femininity would

    A little bit “ouch” but a little bit “I needed to hear this.” It’s a good reminder to prioritize being a human being above being a brain, if that makes sense.

    I’m not willing to “check my brain at the door” in a future relationship, though I agree with the multiple other comments that emphasize that the attitude of the woman is what makes a difference, not her perceived or actual level of intelligence.

    Don’t check your brain! You said it exactly right, it’s about being a human being. Intelligence is not actually a virtue; it’s neutral. Properly ordered with humility and a good personality it’s a very good thing.

    I don’t believe this statement to be true, that men are intimidated by smart women.
    I think there is overwhelming evidence that romantic love of men by women is predicated on a foundation of respect. It is sometimes the case that women can’t respect men who are less than them in some particular way. Some women can’t respect men who are shorter than them. Some women can’t respect men who make less money than them. Some women can’t respect men who are physically weaker than them. Some women can’t respect men who are less intelligent than them.
    All people shy away from relationships they believe won’t work; there’s no way to know ahead of time, but most people have developed reasonable heuristics based on personal experience and observation of others. There are probably a good number of men who look at exceptionally intelligent women and reject them preemptively as a low percentage shot, in the same way that men might preemptively reject women who are unusually tall, strong, or who have a substantial income.

    Agreed. I think just as most men don’t date out of what they perceive to be their league, most men don’t even consider asking out smarter/more educated/taller women.
    It’s not intimidation, that’s the wrong word. It’s just self-selection.

    My two cents: If we take the term “smart” and kinda broaden it to just “women who have their shit together”, the phrase can make some sense. I’m currently working on myself, and I am far from any of my goals. Sometimes I encounter women who are successful and they show interest. Unless the chemistry is off the charts, I’m probably not gonna go out of my way to pursue anything with them, because once they see past the fun guy at the concert/bar/party, they’ll know they are on a different level than me and move on. So, a guy who has his act together, unless he just wants a dumb subservient trophy, won’t be intimidated by a smart woman. But for a guy who might not quite have his act together, I can see why they might avoid the smarter women, since they probably know that those women know better than to hang around them.

    I think this isn’t broad enough. I think that ANY area where the woman excels the man (except in looks, where it’s expected) is a place where there is likely to be strife. She earns more? Has a higher degree? Higher IQ? Has her life in better order? Yeah, she’s less likely to be interested in a guy who has a lower SMV/RMV. So, a guy who has his act together, unless he just wants a dumb subservient trophy, won’t be intimidated by a smart woman.

    This is what’s unattractive about intelligent women! The competitive, combative, know it all woman causes men to feel attacked. How many men want that? Doesn’t really matter who’s really the winner of the debate. One thing is for sure, if a woman wants to be a winner in marriage, she ought to keep debates with romantic partners to a bare minimum if at all.

    Men don’t want to be with women who will openly or publicly degrade him. Women who claim their intelligence intimidates men, are the ones who can’t keep a man as a result of being disrespectful. men do appreciate intelligence, just not being talked down to. So even if you are smarter than your man, it isn’t a factor so long as your not being an asshole about it. I’m sure women feel the same.

    To use my own marriage as an example: I have a higher IQ than my husband. We are both aware of this, and although I think it bothered him slightly when he first realised this, it’s not an issue. I think this is also because he is still way above average (he is a MD training to be an anesthesiologist), but is mainly because I have always stressed that although I may be more intelligent, he is a lot smarter. He has more ‘know how’ and knowledge on many topics, so I don’t think he feels emasculated in any way, causing him to not care about the difference.

    Women have two fallback positions when they fail with men–their intellect is threatening, or the man is gay. Intellect is, in fact, sexy. Real intellect, the possession of actual knowledge and the ability to utilize it, increases a woman’s allure quite markedly. It distinguishes her from the insecure, hyper sensitive, self infatuated, immature females who have become the predictable banality. Intelligence makes a woman seem more wordly, more accepting, more confident, more simply human. Those are desirable traits in either sex. Who wants braying jackasses for friends? I think you’re correct to assert that intellect now, at least at the level of pop culture, is considered “street smarts”, a comination of urban legend, mythology, and superstition. Those coporate leaders you reference aren’t really all that bright, they’re generally accepted as such because the same people who believe in street smarts think intellect equates to wealth. What’s more irritating to me are those people, of both sexes, who make a point of informing you that they’re strong, independent, confident, blah, blah, blah. There is an axiom that is worth repeating–you are nothing (NOTHING!) you have to tell people you are. If you are those things, your demeanor, your elocution, your very being telegraphs that information to those with whom you interact. And if they don’t, you’re a fraud. Before I start ranting, I’d like to thank you again for that post. As a person with testosterone polluting my blood stream, I simply can’t tell you how nice it is to read something from a woman that does not consist of white hot hostility, accusations, or flaming condemnation. You’re restoring my faith in humanity, at least half of it. I’m trying not to gush here, but even though I know nothing about you (how old you are, what you look like, what you do, where you live), allow me to say you seem desirable just based on what you’ve written. (I’ll shut up now.)

    Real intellect, the possession of actual knowledge and the ability to utilize it, increases a woman’s allure quite markedly. Yes. Problem is, in today’s society too often Smart is paired with Sassy, and that’s one sarcastic comment away from bitchy and that DOES turn men off.

    No I’m a male and I like intelligent women. It’s the stupid ones that intimidate me. Unfortunately most women and men are stupid. I’ve only dated women with high intelligence / great sense of humor. I get bored otherwise. I love sass and spunk.

    It is sad, that women have been sold a lie. I had a moment of weakness the other day due to a lot of factors and somehow it came out like I felt I had to be very successful at some project or career thing and my bf was so sweet and just said, “you don’t have to succeed at something to impress me.” It was such a relief to hear, even though I knew. We were all told the lie that you shouldn’t even let yourself be open to love until you have a career like a man. Or that the only way to be smart is to be arguing and debating and talking for the sake of it. We were told that being book smart was the only way to not be homeless and have a terrible life, and it’s just not true.

    I haven’t known men to be socially isolated by their high IQs, except to the extent that they have not learned social skills (think your typical engineer with a touch of Asperger’s (I’m in Houston, I know a lot of them who work for NASA)). These men don’t care how smart you are, they make friends across the spectrum. I find that smart women, however, simply won’t date average-IQ men. They usually can’t muster the respect for them. The reverse isn’t true because men aren’t seeking someone to look up to, they’re seeking someone to wake up next to.

    I definitely hear this. I think any woman who is extremely smart should use her intelligence to determine what’s reasonable. I understand that hypergamy exists, but I see the redpill world using it too often as an excuse for douchebag behavior amongst women—I see this from men and women.
    If you are a woman and a genuine outlier in intelligence (IQ wise), understand that, while statistically there are more men out there with your IQ than women, you are still in a rare category. The harsh answer is: date down or die alone. It’s not that hard, especially if you are not young and moving in a social circle where you are surrounded by highly intelligent men. This is all the more true if you are not particularly attractive, or starting to age into the older single category. Men also have a biological tendency—they have a tendency to want to have sex with as many attractive women as possible. How many women would find this an acceptable excuse for a married man cheating on his spouse, especially if she is good to him, and takes reasonable steps towards maintaining her appearance? Hell, many women would hold it against him even if his spouse actually let herself go. The answer for men, particularly in the first case is: grow up—no one gets everything they want in this world. Why should we relate to hypergamy any differently?

    Dating down doesn’t mean dating and marrying an imbecile, but if your IQ is >140, don’t shit all over men who are likely to be “merely” >120/125. Most of the learned professions have average IQs in the 120s or so, with some tipping over into the 130s. The bottom line is that you do not have to literally be a genius to do well in this world. Most life problems do not call for brilliance to successfully negotiate.

    Better yet, how about simply seeing how a person approaches their personal lives, assessing their overall competence by seeing how they have lived life until this point, and seeing if you can have satisfying conversations with them? How about seeing if they are capable of being loyal, and are ethical people? Relying on credentials and test scores is an imperfect approximation to these more “real world” assessments.

    Better yet, how about simply seeing how a person approaches their personal lives, assessing their overall competence by seeing how they have lived life until this point, and seeing if you can have satisfying conversations with them? Problem is, this requires EMOTIONAL maturity. Something that is always, for both genders and all ages, in short supply. Though the problem is significantly worse on the female side of the equation, given the current social environment of female entitlement and woman-can-do-no-wrong.

    In closing this, I want to relate a story. It is about a guy who chose to wear some truly bizarre clothing to a job interview. I won’t go into what it was, let’s just say that it was not a suit and tie. It was neon lit clothing. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t get the job. He said it was because he was too intelligent. I kept my mouth shut, but later had to laugh really hard.

  38. Good products sell themselves. Effortlessly.

    Crummy products need lots of marketing. Because aware people look at it, and realize the fruit doesn’t have any juice in it.

    And how many supermarkets complain about how hard it is to market their products? No, if they don’t sell, they are put on clearance, if that doesn’t work, they go to the soup kitchen, and they are off the shelf.

    There is a powerful message, if you can’t sell the product: people don’t want it.

  39. There is an old joke. What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
    — You get your house back, in great condition, your dog comes home, your truck works again, your kids get off the drugs and decide to do something with their lives, you are called back to work, you get new friends you can rely on, life gets a whole lot better.

    How does one play a divorce backwards? You know, where you get your house back, your dog comes home, you have one sane parent for your kids, you keep the fruits of your labor, you find new friends, and she’s gooooooooooone for good?

    This woman has rabid shewolf written all over her. Maybe prospective guys don’t want to have to play the game with her. Guys in their 20s tend to be really stupid, and as they acquire more experience, they get smarter. Smart enough to avoid this woman, like the bubonic plague. I wouldn’t date this woman if I got a five figure salary to do so, just based on what you said about her. I don’t even want her to know my face, or my name. I want to live in a world where women like her, and I, are on separate tracks, and never meet.

  40. Young women in many countries graduate college, and work in careers. And they want a partner for a family. Some call this “waithood”. It might also mean waiting to move out of the parents’ house, and moving into home ownership. It is even more apparent among more educated people, and particularly women. In countries where marriage is quite expensive, one sees it also. The Arab Spring was driven in part by young men with few prospects. Even in places where this is less of an issue, high housing costs force delays in marriage.

    People are putting off marriage, the age of marriage rising around the world, with delays in childbearing worldwide. Women may be overtaking their male counterparts, in college. This particularly affects women, as their biological clock cannot be reset. Most people, globally, want children. Men can become fathers at later stages of life. There are increased difficulties for women getting pregnant later in life.

    Women are noticing a shift- once they’re ready to start a family, and have few prospects. From conservative, predominantly Muslim Indonesia to nominally liberal America, women marry men with as much, if not more, education than they have. They want men who will earn equal or higher salaries, and be the main household breadwinners.

    More and more educated, ambitious women are unable to find a partner, when they do start searching. The men they want, at better than their levels of ambition, education, and so on, who are ready to commit, are few in number. In the US population as a whole, when the egg-freezing research was carried out, there were 7.4 million university-educated American women 30-39, band 6 million university-educated American men.

    So what do women do? In 2016, the Pew Research Center noted 15% of American adults had used dating apps, and meeting online is now mainstream. More traditional countries have matchmakers.

    Women may be in the position of breadwinners. But most men don’t want to be powerless, in a relationship, no matter what social scientists pontificate about. Thus we have waithood, an inchoate time where men and women delay the next step in life, to marriage. Yet many want a very secure, very committed, monogamous reproductive partnership, for the obvious reason of secure foundation for children, before they invite children into their lives. Unstable families provide a shaky foundation for children. Single parents have it particularly rough, because they have no backup, and no synergy with a partner.

  41. Hannah Gadsby’s comedy special on Netflix criticizes Pablo Picasso, who, in his 40s, had an affair with a teenage girl. Ms. Gadsby quoted Picasso as claiming he and the girl, Marie-Thérèse Walter, were both in their prime. Ms. Gadsby said, angrily, that a 17-year-old girl is never in her prime, and that she was in her prime, at 40. Ever! I am in my prime.” She is 40.

    A study about online dating in the journal Science Advances measured the “desirability” of male and female users. The criteria was a message count for almost 200,000 users, over a month, on an online-dating service. It was found that men’s sexual desirability peaks at age 50. Women’s starts high at 18, and drops. It steadily and steeply declined from the age of 18, to 65. The same results were found in a 2010 study on OkCupid, in 2010. Youth suggests fertility, as evolutionary theories of mating in which youth suggests fertility. Men are also less interested in earning potential or power. A man’s education matters, also. But postgraduate education made women less desirable. They may seem more interested in work, with less interest in commitment to family.

    Also, people sent messages to people more desirable than themselves- they want to date out of their league, which may not be realistic.

    How desirable are highly successful women, who obviously won’t have much time for a relationship? What do they bring to the table, that is positive?

  42. Recall that Queen Victoria was married to Prince Albert. Who died young. He was a consort. He was Ken, basically, to Barbie. Queen Elizabeth is married to Phillip, a Greek prince I think. What does he do? He’s only a consort. It is not unusual for consorts like that to play around on the side, since they have lots of time, wealth, the capacity to conceal it, willing accomplices, and so on. Oh, they might well be in love, through the birth of say the first or second kid, but like many of the idle rich, they soon realize they can play around. Madonna had a kid with her personal trainer. Oh, I’m sure that relationship lasted a long time. Yeah. Right. Your ultra successful woman here wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less than an ultrasuccessful man. Except ultrasuccessful man has more options than he can count. He can go with her- you know she’ll be competing at every meeting- and she’ll be argumentative, and like so many entitled women, feel she has to have her nasty moods, and he’ll just put up with them. Or, he can go out with dozens of 20 somethings, who haven’t yet manifested the effect of the alcohol and drugs in their bodies yet, who are more than willing, who may well line up at his door. Hmm. Which one does Ultrasuccessful man want to go out with? He may want children. Oh, wait, your ultrasuccessful woman is way past that expiration date. So, what does ultrasuccessful woman bring to the table? Some nasty attitudes- she’s already twice divorced- which says it all right there. A double divorcee? Every man over 40 that I’ve ever talked to told me that they avoid divorcees like the plague. They tell me there is always a reason a woman got divorced, and it’s never a nice reason. They seek out widows, who tend to be much nicer, when they want to seek out women in their same demographic. UltraSW, here, is used to giving commands at work, and she won’t give it up at home. She’s used to making plans, and ordering them into execution. Yeah. Like that is going to attract UltraSM. What we have here is two magnets, putting the north pole to the north pole. WHat happens? They repel each other. I used to live in a city where many feminists were. I’d take classes, and they’d be around. They talked to each other. I would listen, unobtrusively. After a good bitch session, about men, the patriarchy, and so on, these women in their thirties and forties, some fifties, would talk about how hard it was to find a good man. I can’t imagine why. After more practice in running extreme hatred for men through their neurology, than some black belts have in their martial art, they are now going out looking for men? This is like a southern white man in a White Robe with a cone shaped hat, adapted from the Semana Santa in Spain, looking to date black women. I’m not saying it’s impossible for USW to find a guy, I’m just saying that they face Vegas odds- even if they are nice, and many are not. Good luck for your friend, though. May Allah grant her a great patience. She will need it.

    Self-preservation is a very visceral thing, in men. They pay attention to potential danger, especially if they’ve been burned before. Divorce is basically a turkey shoot, where men are the targets, and men know that. Turkeys at a turkey shoot are safer then men are, in relationships with American women.
    I know a USW who played around, for some decades, ran off her first husband. She had a long term boyfriend, being groomed for marriage, with of course a honey on the side. LTB left. She found a guy somewhat older than she is, and buys him expensive toys. Cool. She does still keep the honey on the side. Because when you’re rich, and successful, there’s no better drug than cognitive dissonance. Your friend, Suzanne, spells cognitive dissonance in everything you’ve said about her.

  43. Remember when Madonna Ciccone married that rich guy, who wasn’t as rich as she was? And later, he got alimony, I think. Women in the position of having to pay alimony really, really hate it, because it’s “just not fair”. Yeah. How about that. It’s just not fair. You wanted the full package honey, and you got it. I’d put 85% odds on your friend finding a guy, just like that. He lives with her for a few years, you know, enough to get alimony, and then suddenly decides things need to change. He finds a contingency fee lawyer, and goes to court. She spends a fortune, on lawyers, and ends up paying him alimony. And she ends up bitter. Welcome to the world of men. Karma is a bitch with fangs.

    Paul McCartney foolishly married a second wife. He lost half his wealth, a few hundred mil, in the divorce. What are the chances he’s ever going to get marriage again, I wonder? I remember a woman telling me that women who stick a husband for alimony, and so on, ruin them for future relationships with women. Many woman have told me that the worst enemies of women are almost always other women. Who knows women best? Other women, because they talk so much. And women tend to hate each other. Interesting pattern.

  44. Schadenfreude. The secret joy in seeing other’s suffering and problems. That’s what I feel, as i read this story. Apparently relationships just weren’t high priority. Oh well.

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