Women Have a Roughly 15-Year Window to Figure the Family Thing Out

This article was originally published at the Washington Examiner.

Kudos to Dr. Gillian Lockwood, medical director at the Midland Fertility Clinic in the U.K., for telling women what they need to know rather than what many want to hear.

The ideal age to get pregnant, she said, is 25.

Recognizing this fact doesn’t mean every woman needs to run out and get married and become pregnant by 25. It doesn’t mean women should do anything, other than take the information to heart and factor it in when mapping out their lives.

“The bleak reality is that the chance of IVF working with your own eggs once you are 40 is absolutely abysmal,” adds Lockwood.

Indeed, I have a friend whose father is a gynecologist; and he said that in 25 years of practicing medicine, he’s known seven women who achieved pregnancy over the age of 42. Seven.

That is not the impression one gets from the culture. The message running through the media is that motherhood can be manipulated or even manufactured at will.

That may be true for a select few who have the means to force such ethically dubious practices along. But for the vast majority of women, it is not an option.

Which means this: If 25 is the “ideal” age to get pregnant, and if getting pregnant over 40 is nearly impossible, the average woman has a roughly 15-year window in which to get the marriage and family thing figured out.

The conundrum is that many 25-year-old women don’t have marriage and motherhood on their minds. They put it off until an unspecified time in the future while they focus on getting higher degrees, building their careers, and traveling—as if they, rather than Mother Nature, are in control.

But women are not in control; the female body has an agenda of its own.

Because of this, women can’t map out their lives the way men map out theirs. Somewhere around the age of thirty, women will become acutely aware of their declining fertility. Their careers firmly established, they will wonder when and how family will fit in to their lives.

This same sense of urgency will not be felt by men, for the obvious reason: it is women, not men, who get pregnant. The inconvenient truth is that men can afford to wait to form families, but women cannot. Fair or not, there it is.

Sadly, too many doctors today lack Lockwood’s courage to tell it like it is. They fear the backlash of being told that stating such facts puts undo pressure on women.

Well, perhaps it does. But so what? When doctors told people that smoking is bad, millions felt the pressure to quit. And look at us now, breathing cleaner air.

Smart women who want multifaceted lives work with the biology they’ve been given. They swim with the tide rather than against it, which is why Lockwood’s pronouncement matters. It’s intended to help women, not hurt them. And it will help.

If only women listen.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

Reader Interactions


  1. You speak truth. That is good. 25 is a good age for a woman to consider marriage. Men generally need to be economically established, before they get married. A good range for them starts around 30. As far as in vitro fertilization, Vegas offers better odds. A woman who rides the CC till she’s 37 or older is what the Chinese call a “leftover” woman, no matter how deep in denial she is.

  2. At a certain point, women decide to seek partners. And they notice what appears to be a man drought, A Pew Research Center census analysis says there are only 91 eligible bachelors for every 100 single women. Most women (78%) in the never-married 25-34 age bracket covered in the report consider “eligible” to mean that he has a job. The number of employed men is on the decline. That is before wanting a tall guy with hair. Women are in the minority in this count, and there is no effort to remedy this. This study showed that the number of men with gainful employment has steadily declined in recent years — in 1960 there were 139 never-married men with jobs per 100 women. And there are now more women in the workplace.

    Women rated employment even higher on the list for mate-matching than having similar ideas about wanting kids and how to raise them (70%), sharing morals (38%), and being similarly educated (28%). Somehow shared morals seem more important than money. To me. There are 77 never-married men ages 25-34 with post-graduate degrees for every 100 women with similar educational credentials. Highly educated women who want a guy who is smart as well as has a job have a tougher row to hoe.

    I don’t think people should settle just because they’re of “marrying age” — unless they’d also like to end up a divorce statistic. However, that may not be an issue either, since not only are people not settling…they’re not getting married at all! In 2012, 1-in-5 adults ages 25 and older (about 42 million people) had never been married. In 1960, that number was only about 1-in-10 adults. And if things keep going at this rate, by the year 2030, a full 25% of those in the 45-54 age bracket at that time will never have been married. And available men above the 54 year old line, are very few indeed, and very few of them seek marriage.

    So, fewer men, fewer educated men, fewer people getting married, mean women will need to really plan on something other than a fish bicycle for retirement.

    What do you think? Is there a shortage of eligible men?

  3. It is not easy for women to find a good guy- even in their prime years- now. This does not mean the 108 point list of everything you want in your dream guy, it means simple things, like respectful treatment, no straying, commitment, and so on. Here are thoughts on why this is so:

    1. Technology creates distance, and breeds lack of practice in face to face communication. Many are obsessed with phones and almost live on them. This is not useful, for creating rapport, and intimacy.

    2. Hookup culture, as bred by feminism, has replaced dating and even relationships. It’s a dream come true for a young man- instead of a single dish, there is a lengthy buffet to choose from. Gichin Funakoshi said that when he was young, people drank from one glass, deeply. In the current day, people, men particularly, take sips from many glasses. Feminists said men got a lot of sex. Many men said, “We are? Oh wow, I must be missing out on something, what’s wrong with me?” And feminists told women to do what men were doing. The options seem endless, and people restless. For some, a serious relationship seems to offer sex on tap 24/7. But the price of sex has gone way down, and far more women are available. One-night stands, FWB’s, are acceptable. For some men, they are far most cost-effective than marriage.

    3. This leads to another problem: seemingly infinite options. A dating app can offer over 100 matches. Nobody in grandpa’s day had 100 options, for a partner. It’s like being in a vast candy store, with the option to try one of everything.

    4. Which leads to another problem: men have the idea that something better is just around the corner, just as women have done. Why commit to the mortgage rate now, if it’s going to go down soon? Men and women do not understand that the perfect is the enemy of the good.

    5. Which leads to another issue: marriage isn’t very attractive to men any more. Women got tired of their gender roles, and wanted to do other things. So did men. Marriage is quite restricting, for men.
    In the old days, people couldn’t wait to get married. They could finally have sex and not worry about out of wedlock births. There is no rush to marriage, for men. Seeing a divorced man lose contact with his children does not encourage other men to risk fathering children. And women couldn’t care less about men’s issues, which is another reason marriage is less and less attractive for men.

    6. There is no respect for married men any more. They are dissed, ridiculed, gutted out in divorce court, seen as villains. What man or person wants to enter a state that guarantees low and exploited status?

    7. Women are more independent than ever. They are hypergamous, always looking for a man with more, but those jobs are now more and more held by women. Women don’t want to settle, and men don’t want a relationship with a ballbuster bitch. That is the true definition of being a fishbicycle.

    8. Since there is no respect for mature men any more, some men want to delay maturity, and stay in neoteny. Women call this the Peter Pan Syndrome: He does not want to mature, by women’s standards, he wants to explore freedom. Of course, if a man criticized a woman this way, it would be sexist, but it’s ok to criticize men, because feminist ideology demands it. Why would he want to put himself in the chains of marriage? Given that men are now openly discriminated against, in jobs, divorce courts, and other places, lazy guys that lack ambition seem to have a good deal. Why take on adult responsibilities and milestones, when there is so little reward for men in doing so? Especially when hookups beckon. Women who discuss the PP syndrome also seem to be in their mid-30’s, on up. Consider a man’s choice: a woman approaching the end of her attraction as a first time wife, in her mid-30’s, with a 23 year old who has far less baggage, is more pleasant, offers attachment free sex, and has no apparent downside? It’s an easy choice.

    9. Between bad relationships, trauma, and so on, fewer men are willing to risk marriage. Stealth feels much safer. In the old days, people valued people who kept their word, who honored their commitments, who dedicated themselves to their jobs, families and communities. This has become passe, and old fashioned. Hookups seem so much more attractive. At one time, people had no respect for “rounders” or “players”, the old name for PUA’s. Nowadays, they are looked up to.

    10. Women like to say that men can’t handle smart, strong, independent women. Ha ha ha. No, what they can’t handle is not being needed, of only being an easily replaceable accessory, to a bitchy woman who demands her way all the time. Men aren’t intimidated by women like this, they simply have no attraction to them, because their risk potential is simply too high to take a risk on.

    11. Women desperately racing to beat their bioclock scare men. Desperation is not the state to make sales in.

    12. The biggest single reason is short term event horizons. People don’t make 30 year plans, any more. They don’t look decades down the road. They don’t do long term planning. In the moment, marriage and commitment appears to be very risky, costly, and with few benefits. In the old days, happily married couples would offer advice to young men. Nowadays, bitter divorced men offer advice to young men, but it is totally different.

  4. Women are asking Where have all the good men gone? Sites like OkCupid or Tinder, with their illusions, might suggest that good men just don’t exist anymore. Dating is a numbers game. If you are a high grade woman, who offers a lot, you can find a partner who would love to date and marry you. It is the finding that requires thought and action. Preparation is 9/10 of success.

    1. Not having a constant improvement plan for self-awareness, social skills, and other skills that say “wife to keep for a lifetime” instead of “one night stand”. Social skills matter. The single most important skill is simple respect. This could involve speaking in a nonconfrontive way, emotional control, listening, learning from feedback, and accepting seeming failures as stepping stones to success.

    2. Having an overly restrictive list of all you want in a partner. Standards matter. Opposites can attract. Basics matter: mutual respect, allowing the other space, and so on. Texting a guy every 5 minutes to see where he is scares men. Bizarre phone messages say you are psycho. Don’t ever call or text someone when you are in a bad emotional place.

    3. There is such a thing as planning to date way out of your league, for someone who’s flawless
    Are you perfect? If you want someone incredible, you need to offer them something incredible. Which takes us back to constant improvement. The illusion of perfection is a horrible lie. If you hold out for Mr. Perfect, you will die an old maid. Being realistic helps. Set minimum standards.

    4. Aggressively pursuing men turns them off for any serious relationship. It brings users and abusers. Wanting love with every atom of your being, and getting rejected, hurts. Desperation is not attractive.
    Good men are not attracted to desperate women. Would you take a desperate man? Art works better than brute force.

    5. Refusing to enter the playing field does not lead to a winning game. How are you going to meet new people if you don’t go where they are? Dating sites offer illusion. You seek a real man, in person. Go out in attraction mode. Set a clear intention of what you want to seek- by feeling how you would feel, if you met the perfect guy. This will hone your perceptions, so you notice and attract these guys.

    5. Expecting respect from your date is a given, a default, and totally reasonable. Expecting abnormal attention, presents, paying off your debts, tolerating temper tantrums, from a man, just isn’t compatible with having a guy. Since more and more women do this, you will stand out very favorably, by not doing this.

    6. Meeting good men means going where they are, in groups of good people. If your crew all has cheating/commitment issues, domestic abuse, bitching to deal with stress, and abusive language, you will pick this up. Birds flock among others of their own kind. You can’t catch trout in a drainage ditch.

    7. Seeking partners before cleaning out your resentments, hatreds, and other limiting beliefs about men, is not productive. If you’ve spent time with a woman-hater, you remember how that made your flesh crawl. Men have the same experience, of women who hate men, and men have learned, from bitter experience, to respect that feeling, and to ghost them fast, for their own safety. Clean out the garbage before you invite anyone in.

    8. Being open to approaches. Men do not read your subtle hints. Spend time in a bar, where women over 40 go. They know this, and may even just go up and grab a guy’s family jewels. This is overdoing it, but you see experience has taught them men don’t read the looks, or gestures. Some guys are nervous. You might approach them, and ask questions that require narrative answers. Once they are flowing, you have met them. Move slowly, and let them take initiative as much as you can.

    9. Men who are worth your time won’t accept a bribe for a date. You can go dutch, perhaps.

    10. Notice the positive, and comment on it. If you complain, and talk about negative stuff, he will not correct it, he will want to get away from you.

    11. Always be improving yourself. If you have a flabby stomach, exercise, and improve your diet. Pick a bad habit to let die, once per month. Improve your diet. Pursue interests. Buy clothing that stays in style. Few men want to support a clothing and shoes addiction. As you improve your energy, and physicality, and act, feel, and look better and better, you become more attractive.

    12. Romance novels aren’t realistic. Neither is Sex and the City, or soap operas, or chick flicks, or the other garbage the media produces to distract women. Modelling your behavior on these scares men. Abandon your preconceptions, and notice what you notice. Experience is a great teacher.

    13. Improve your diet. Cut out one kind of junk food every month. Eat more fresh, raw fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts, and seeds. Cut back on meat. Your energy level will rise, and you will be more attractive. Dr Richard Schulze’s 12 rules for health, free to watch on youtube, are useful.

    14. Get advice from men in your life, about what men seek. Most men are willing to offer advice, to sincere seekers. You will learn more than anything Cosmo ever published. And throw out your Cosmo and gossip mags. They are not useful.

    15. Do more than you are paid for, at work. Do more than other people do, in a better, more courteous way. Take off the fat roll. Walk up stairs on lunch. Live a high energy life. THis is very, very attractive.

    16. Let love flow through you, often. Help those you can. Babysit a single mom’s young kids. Men know very well that low energy women make rotten spouses, and aren’t even good for one night stands. Learn to smile from your heart.

    17. Learn to ask questions, instead of judging. You’ll learn so much more. You might even ask, in a very non-irritated state, “What would have to happen, for me to become your committed relationship?” When he gets over the shock, he may give you some extremely useful answers. Many women insist on maintaining extremely irritating behaviors. This is not useful. Women who act like they are entitled to it all scare men away.

    18. What kind of woman can that significant other relax around? Where he has no worries that you’ll blow up over something insignificant, bitch at him, or otherwise destroy his peace with you? What would you have to change, to be more of that women he can relax around, and let the love overflow in his heart, onto you? Ask this question every day. The answers will change, and improve. How could you put more joy into other people’s lives, today? This is a good question to ask every day. And act on the answers.

    19. Consider the difference between “you’re going out with other women, aren’t you?” and “I’d really like to be your number one. What do I need to do, to be in that place?”. The first one is accusative, and relationship destroying. Men who get what they need at home don’t go looking for it outside. Asking a man what you would need to do doesn’t accuse, not at all, it shows interest in improving things, and builds a relationship. It inspires imitation, also. Few people can resist that. This is also called taking responsibility, and doing what you can, where you are, with what you have. Bitching and complaining is a way of saying you have no power, or responsibility, and it is someone else’s fault. This is not useful.

    20. Respect yourself first- and get rid of the feminism. Pounding on people to accept your beliefs is not useful. Deal with people, not with feminist caricatures.

    21. Never show all your cards. Have stuff in reserve, so you can be surprising, at times. Get men talking, and don’t talk much. Talk to the mirror for a half hour, before the date, to clean all that out.

    22. Consider that girlfriend who is always complaining, upset, and taking revenge. Find a reason to cut her out of your posse. And do it. She is not useful to you.

    23. Ask questions. Pay attention. Lessons are all around you, seeking to help you learn. Pretend that every man out there wants to love and cherish you, to fill your heart with joy, to help you realize your dreams, and be genuinely surprised if you find a man who isn’t that. You need to dump him, of course, but your expectations will help him to grow.

  5. For many women, looks and sexuality will always be her foremost agency. But when that fades, if she’s made good and far-sighted decisions–like finding a good man to marry and have children–then she won’t have to fear growing old. We don’t teach women to cultivate the power of feminine dignity, because we’ve decided to attempt to give them lifelong sexual power by celebrating casual sex, addictions, cougardom and botox addiction. We don’t teach women the value of family, because we celebrate women who are too “independent” for children while at the same time encouraging single mothers, with the notion that men and fathers are disposable. This society has gone out of its way to shield women from the long-term consequences of their poor decisionmaking, but nature isn’t playing along. The mark of a great chessplayer isn’t his ability to calculate variations 20 moves deep, or anticipate and thwart any plan of his opponent. It is his ability to preserve and press hard won advantages and convert them among various forms as dictated by the demands of the pieces on the board. The brilliant chessplayer converts a material advantage to a positional edge, and then a mating attack. More young women need to learn this lesson. You don’t keep your physical beauty forever…but if you leverage it with good decisionmaking while you are young then you will be able to transition between modes of being when the time is right.

    Grandmothers used to do this. My grandmother was an absolutely stunning woman. But after her looks & sexual power had faded, she transitioned seamlessly into a woman of dignity and honor because she had made sure to find a good man while she was a knockout, and because she had spent her younger years cultivating the tools she would need, long after she was no longer able to cause traffic accidents by just getting up in the morning. The truly miserable women aren’t the aging mothers with husbands and children. These women are models of feminine dignity and grace—true matrons and matriarchs worthy of respect. No, the really miserable ones are the aging hags slaving away in the various HR departments and cubicle farms of this country with nothing to go home to. These are the women still desperately clinging to what’s left of their sexual power, because after it’s gone there is nothing for them, except their cats. Those who make good choices, cultivate personality and learn to value the love of a good man, who learn to take triumphs, defeats, and uncertainies with dignity then you will be less heavily invested in the fleeting sexual power of your youth and able to transition into some more lasting & worthy when the time comes. That time is around age 35 for most women—whether they like it or not. Though in France, it is older. Much older. Because women aren’t afraid to be women, there. You can see really hot, I mean smoking, 65 year old women there, who are better than 35 year olds. But it’s a different culture.

  6. And some news articles say that women are better off giving birth later in life. Of course nobody asked the women giving birth later in life… pregnancy and labor are a stress. Younger women handle it better. There is a concept called “hitting the wall”, or the “Wile E. Coyote moment”, for women, when they realizing finding a mate is more difficult. Their prime years in our culture are, as you say, 25-maybe 32 or so. In some cultures, prime years start and end sooner.

    I found a debate online, about this, which is useful. The nastier comments were edited out, as they did not add to the discussion.

    A woman who has hit 35 has pretty much hit the wall. But I know this isn’t necessarily true. As much as we love the younger chicks……isn’t it true that some women do not hit the wall until much, much later? There are some fine lookin’ women in their 30’s and even 40’s, and even in their early 50’s. What is the definition of when a woman hits “the wall?” It can’t be just about her age can it?

    I agree that age does have something to do with this, though there’s other factors. Does she take care of herself? Does she have kids? How much makeup is she wearing? Does she tan, smoke, take drugs, or do other stupid stuff? Is she in a good marriage? Women in a good marriage stay looking good a lot longer, usually.

    As a rough rule of thumb, the younger they were when they were hot, the faster they hit the wall. There are a few unicorns out there that actually look better with age, but those are the ones who know they’re older and don’t try to look like they’re 20. They evolved with their age instead of fighting it. They tend to be very spiritual.

    It does vary. Genes and lifestyle habits play a major role too. My older sister was a knockout in her 40s and early 50s. She still blows every woman in her age out of the water too.

    Actually, I kind of enjoy being around a good looking post Wall women in my age range 45-49. The egos have shrunk massively. If she’s not a land whale more than likely she never will be. They are way less likely to sport tattoos too.

    A good looking post Wall woman is more than likely one who has lived cleanly and has taken care of herself both of which are to be commended which is pretty much true for men too. I’m sure quite a few rode the carousel though.
    Depends on the woman’s genetics, personality, and ability to fit in what what a guy wants. If a man finds the NAWALT, he may remain happily married, and the women will be off the market. The ones that remain in the market very likely hit the wall sooner. I would say, as far as looks go, that my age for a woman being acceptable to me goes up more. Women my age though, late 40s would be incredibly rare as far as looks go. And that doesn’t include personality either.

    The Wall is unique for every woman. Some women hit the wall (or let themselves go) in their teens or early twenties, only to have kids and completely transform into sheer loveliness. Some women have extra fat during their early life, then become skinny forever after having children. The Wall actually exists in the brain. Once the brain of a woman realized that they cannot compete with younger women, and will keep aging no matter what, they lose the ‘forever young’ outlook on life…BAAAM! that is their own wall in their thoughts. Their thoughts can then become self destructive, or go towards improving themselves as human beings in ever way.

    I’d say that a female hits the wall when she starts to realize that her youth, beauty and sex are no longer able to get her the things she wants out of life. Maybe her assets have decreased in value due to age, attitude, drug use, mileage or misuse or perhaps her expectations have exceeded her value… it’s different for different females.

    Then I also know a 27 year old who is just now starting to realize that she wants more out of life than popularity, free show tickets and to get high now and then… and that the price she’s having to pay for even these things is already exceeding what she’s willing to give up for them. She’s gotten a taste of the finer things in life too and she’s got to be realizing that her waning assets are not going to get them for her. She’s had it easy so far and doesn’t have the backbone to do the real work that would be required to make a success of her life on her own. She will either wise up and pin some rich dope to the mat or hit the wall… hard… I predict a long, slow slide into the skin trade ending with a drug, alcohol and car crash induced coma. I can’t say I feel bad for them. They had their days in the sun back when I was a skinny nerd that nobody cared about. Now it’s my day in the sun.
    I don’t think it is as easy as placing an age on it. I know a 19 year old who is as fat as a whale, has a chipped front tooth, shuffles her feet when she walks because she is so fat which she wouldn’t have become overnight so she would have hit the wall very young in all likelihood and now at 19 she has gone right through it. Likewise I have seen women in their 40’s, 50’s and even 60’s who can be quite hot. So I go on a case by case basis with this concept.

    “The wall” is a metaphor. In reality, any woman who is at least normal looking, they have experienced favor from the opposite sex their entire life. I think its a slow but definite process. Women generally have less facial fat then men, which is good up until 30.

    Women who were accustomed to every man checking them out and throwing themselves at them, begin to notice it immediately. When the men are checking out the younger girl beside her in line at the store. When more make up is required.

    Regardless of when they hit it, they do. And they all know their assets are depreciating. If they develop themselves spiritually, though, they are in a different ballpark.

    Women hit the wall at the exact moment they first fail to get free drinks at a bar. The precise time that happens varies from woman to woman. Some women are born post-wall. Some rare women, through a lot of self maintenance and a good personality, manage to hold on until their forties or even later. Regardless of what age it hits her though, if you ever have opportunity to observe it happening you can time it down to the second. Just watch her eyes and wait for the realization to hit her. Bam. Wall. Deal with it, honey.

    Women who are beautiful will tend to hit the wall sooner due to their lifestyle of partying/drinking/ drugging/heavy exercise or no exercise as the case may be and lots of carousel riding and bad relationships.

    • Since we are using the metaphor of a wall, let’s think about that. Women who booze and drug up, who play with bad boys, who develop their addictions, are the equivalent of drunk drivers, who will, yes, hit the wall, sooner or later. Women who take care of themselves, invest in family and work, and make healthy choices, may have fender benders, but they aren’t going to drive into walls, at full speed, as a rule. It is most educational to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. These are one of the few places where Americans tell each other the truth. I wonder what a Feminists Anonymous meeting would be like, you know, where they discussed how their addiction to hatred hurt a lot of innocent people, how they refused to deal with their inner pain for so long, how they actually believed they had the right to harm innocents, because they chose to believe they had no power, or mission in life other than damaging others.

  7. The New York Times says more and more women are having to freeze their eggs because they can’t find good men to marry. They blame men for refusing to commit. Feminists say women who pursue careers, abortion rights, no-fault divorce, are just fine.

    If women want a stable marriage and children, which will outlast their youth and looks, it would be useful to think about things. Prime childbearing years are also critical years for advancing in a career.
    They want career success before family.

    And yet women in their twenties are at peak attraction to higher grade men, who are serious about marriage. Focus, and rejecting men who aren’t committed, is helpful. Except many of these women, in avoiding marriage, play with bad boys who won’t commit. This is an addictive habit. Flings and break-ups with bad boys destroy trust in men, for her.

    And men ask, are women ever really attracted to good men? Imagine a woman who chased bad boys in her twenties, while focusing on her career. Then, say at 35, she starts looking for a serious guy, ready for marriage. What has her habit been? The opposite. Marriage-ready men know that women over thirty have been playing with bad boys.

    Consider domestic terrorist Dzhokar Tsarnaev, one of the Boston marathon bombers. Women “think Dzhokhar is cute. The Bambi eyes, the hipster facial stubble, wine-dark tousled hair — adorable! okhar iAn 18-year-old waitress interviewed by the New York Post planned have Dzhokhar’s last tweet before the bombing tattooed onto her arm: “If you have the knowledge and the inspiration all that’s left is to take action.” But realistically, women are drawn to Dzhokhar because he is a good-looking accused killer, a poster child “bad boy” women are chronically attracted to, because they know they can change them, help them heal, and so on. It’s not surprising that every reasonably attractive murderer has groups. Scott Peterson, who killed his family, got over 35 phone calls from smitten women, including an 18-year-old who wanted to marry him.

    Psychology Today said some women are attracted to the most terrifying of human predators, and she cites some assumptions:

    Their love will redeem the convict, making him caring, concerned, and compassionate.

    They can heal the wounded child inside him. Plus, they will share the killer’s media spotlight, and maybe make money off it.

    Ogas and Gaddam showed, from Web searches, posts, and romance novel plots that women prefer alpha males, men who are “strong, confident, swaggering”. They add that killing people gets attention from women. Almost every serial killer, including Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and David Berkowitz, got love letters from large numbers of women. Romance novel plots are about women who choose good-looking bad boys, and change them.

    It’s fine for women to get STEM degrees, go to grad school, and work. Bad habits, once started, though, are hard to break. Women who have relationships with bad boys who don’t want to commit don’t recognize or value useful traits in marriage-minded men, like self-control, commitment, chastity, frugality, provider ability, loyalty, mentoring, patience with children, and so on, when they do later want to marry. And, oddly enough, marriage-minded men know this very, very well. These men know that women who rode the C Carousel will find them boring, and play around. And, given that more women seek marriage in their 30’s than men, marriage minded men can pick and choose. Women do not understand that each year after 30, their prospects for finding a good guy drop. There was a reason that our great-grandparents warned off bad boys, from their daughters. They didn’t have their heads full of lies told by the mass media, and they knew of the danger of bad boys, to their daughters.

    • Women like to complain there are no good men out there. What does this “good man” get, in his life?

      1. Ignored, and even dissed, in high school.
      2. Watching the bad boys deal with what seems like a line of women waiting to enter their rooms. This is not a metaphor, I saw this in college.
      3. He sees “good men” get screwed in divorce court, and has done so by the age of 30 at least.
      4. He realizes that he and only he will support himself, nobody else will. He gets passed over for promotion by a female boss who chooses her homies, instead, say. And/or he has to cover for other staff, some of them women, who didn’t do their jobs.
      5. He realizes that his value as a mate is basically his paycheck, and little else.
      6. After his divorce, he is bitter enough, often, to not want to take the massive risk that is marriage, for men, in our country.
      7. He hears and sees all the bad boys who have more women than they can handle.
      8. He hears feminists demonizing men, perhaps based on their experience with bad boys. Yes, there’s nothing any man wants more than to be punished for the sins of others.

      You know, maybe, just maybe, this grates on him just a little? Maybe? Maybe he has that epiphany, where he realizes, in his guts, that most women just aren’t worth his time and investment? So maybe he looks overseas, hoping against hope to do better. Or he just gives up. Or he devotes his time to more spiritual pursuits. A lot of men in their 40’s, on up, just give up on women, in the USA. I meet them every now and then.

      Dogs can be very loyal. But if you keep whipping them all the time, after a while they stop coming around. And that is where all the good men have gone.

    • “more and more women are having to freeze their eggs because they can’t find good men to marry. ”

      When I was with Native Americans, I learned to walk very silently, with a quiet mind, in the woods. When I first started, I clomped around in boots, and probably scared animals up to half a mile away. As I got quieter, I saw more and more animals. As I began to flow with the wind, and the woods, I would see deer here are there, camouflaged by grass, or other vegetation. When I first walked in the woods, I saw no deer at all. I didn’t understand that I sounded like a huge predator, to them, and they would hide. When I walked as if every step was a prayer, a blessing, for the earth, I saw many, many more deer.

      Women who walk with huge attitudes, chips on their shoulders, hatred in their hearts, have the same effect on men. Men learn quickly to keep a low profile, to put the beta nerd mask on, to get lost in a crowd of one, to be as invisible as deer when a cougar is moving hungrily through the woods. Women who walk in harmony with the flow, who walk where every step, every breath is a prayer, who walk with reverence for what is around them, see far more, in exactly the same way.

  8. What a great blog post. I’m reminded of the story of the grasshopper, and the ant. When the winter of [being older] came to the ant, the ant had backup. The grasshopper didn’t.

  9. Figuring out the family thing.
    1. Hopefully parents modelled a good family situation. There’s nothing quite as good as actually seeing one in operation. The rules, ideas, and so on, in books, and programs, all fall short of actually seeing a good marriage, up close and personal. Talk show advice is largely worthless, good only for keeping eyeballs on the screen, for advertisers.
    2. It means cleaning out one’s interior trash. It means cleaning out one’s resentments, fears, misgivings, and all the other negative energy below 200 on the scale of energies, in the book Power vs. Force.
    3. It means integrity, which includes keeping one’s word, only making promises one is committed to fulfilling, long term commitment, patience, and learning to hold back on one’s sharp tongue.
    4. It means learning to concentrate on the positive. This one item may be more important than everything else.
    5. For women, it means looking at themselves the way prospective mates would. What does a prospective mate see, in a woman?
    a. Is she energetic, on a good diet?
    b. How is she toxifying herself, with cosmetics, crummy diet, garbage television, low grade friends, and all the other toxins of modern society?
    c. How does she handle stress, since having kids is a stress?
    d. Is she able and willing to commit to a long term exclusive relationship? Feminists will point to the worst of men, as what women should emulate in their behavior. I can’t understand this. Most men are not alpha bad boys. They do the best they can, with what they have.
    e. What is her mother like? Since her daughter is very likely to emulate her. If mom is a vicious harpy, her daughter is very unlikely to break out of this model. My first wife’s mother was unbelievably negative, and I foolishly believed her daughter knew how to grow out of it. I was proven wrong.
    f. Is she able and willing to do the mundane stuff like housework, consistently, without bitching? When my wife spent some months in a hospital, I had to do all the housework. I did it my way, and it was done. This included child care arrangements.
    g. What are her comparables? Does she compare men with impossible to reach fantasies, like George Clooney? Or does she accept men as they are? If she insists on using fantasies, as comparables, men know very well she will always be unhappy.
    h. Does she have agency? That is, is she the primary agent in her life, or is she always blaming others for her problems?
    i. I only have to hear one word out of a woman- “patriarchy”, to tell me she has no agency. Mrs. C.J. Walker was honored on a stamp, not long ago. In the late 1800’s, she became a millionaire, though she was female, and black, which at the time seemed insurmountable. I seriously doubt she was blaming the patriarchy.
    j. How does she spend money? Does she buy clothing that stays in style? Or is she wasting money on clothes that have to be replaced, each year?
    k. Is she capable of committed love? Of pouring out love on members of her family? Many women in the USA, today, are not.
    l. How does she handle rejection, and disappointments? If she just gives up, she is not a good candidate.
    m. Is her smile merely a stretching of the lips, or is it deeply rooted in her heart? That’s very important.
    n. How often does she need to lie, to cover up mistakes?
    o. Most importantly: what addictions does she have? Drugs? Alcohol? Clothing? Cosmetics? Addictions are generally holes in the aura, which pour out energy. Addicts are like bottomless pits, which take everything, and give up nothing.
    p. Whom does she admire? How does she drain her resentments, and all women have resentments.
    q. Whom does she blame the trauma of her life on, and how has she done all she could, to heal it, so she doesn’t pass it on?
    r. Does she love herself enough to pass up encounters with Chad and Tyrone, the bad boys? I know men who test this one with a pendulum. If she likes bad boys, she will be a massive energy drain, to a husband. I don’t know of any man who wants to be the wallet, for a woman like this, while other men get the goodies.
    s. Does she love children enough to dedicate her life to supporting them? I’ve met women whose mothers are totally toxic. Occasionally, such women have overcome this massive disadvantage. Mostly they don’t, though.
    t. How well does she get along with her father? That’s a great predictor of how she’ll be in marriage, with hubby. Her picture of a husband largely has her father’s face, maybe an uncle’s. If she doesn’t get along with her father, this is a very baaaaaaaaaad sign.
    6. Is she able and willing to defer current pleasure for long term investment reward? Many women are not. This is another important intel indicator. This indicates whether she’ll be playing with Chad, wasting money, neglecting children, and so on.
    7. How much feminism has she ingested? Women that have their boundaries defined, have clear, realistic goals, good hearts, focus, and commitment, have more probability of being a good investment as a wife- for a man. Feminists do not make good wives. They are too full of hatred, resentment, false comparables, bitterness, and revenge, for this. A rabid female bear would be a better caregiver for children, than many feminists.
    8. I have noticed that happily married women, who are great wives, and mothers, always seem to have a smile, deeply rooted, in their hearts. They maintain it, into their 90’s, at least in my experience. Feminists don’t smile. They grimace. They are too busy policing up Juden untermenschen.
    9. It is possible to combine family, and career. Many women do it now. The woman who runs the special needs kids group that I go to, manages to do it very well, and she has a nicer house, and more money coming in, than I do. I celebrate that. She is one of the mavens, or clan mothers (to use the Iroquois term), or movers and shakers that keep a healthy community going.
    10. This one is harder to measure- but is the woman’s sense of self present beyond her skin? Perhaps out into the community? Is she doing volunteer service for the community, in some way? I did church missions to help the extreme poor, in inner city neighborhoods, for 15 years, on top of a full time job, and other challenges. I never once saw or heard of a feminist doing anything to help those women, who were often in dire straits. I had to work through cutouts, to introduce me as someone who could be trusted. I did all this out of pocket, with an occasional donation from people who liked what I was doing. Black feminists see white feminists as toxic, elitist, and racist, or so they write on their blogs. I wonder what might have generated that.
    11. And the final most important quality. What pictures, images, are running through the woman’s mind? Is she picturing a happy family, where everyone gets their needs met, where they support each other, and otherwise function as a team? Or is she picturing a patriarchal oppression, limiting gender roles, and all kinds of landmines of resentment and revenge? This may be the most important one. Whatever pictures are running through her mind is what she will create. I dated a divorced woman with some feminist leanings (WWSFL), before I understood them to be the people of the snake. I had sole custody of a child. I tended to bring her along, on our time together, to see how she’d handle it. Not always, but often enough to test her. The WWSFL didn’t like that at all. She broke off the relationship. Hey, cool. My kid was part of my life, and there was no way that kid would be set aside. Later she wanted to get back together again. I said no. She was willing to terminate once, which means the tracks are laid to do it again. I wish her well, wherever she is. She had a heart, and could have been great, but feminism poisoned the well.

    My mother was a teacher. A very good one. She ensured that the students mastered their skills. She had her challenges, from life, and she stayed the course. Nothing got in her way. Women or men who had some bureaucratic obstacle to a goal saw her face, and mostly gave in without even a confrontation. Maybe it was because she was the runt of the litter, so to speak, and always had to try harder. She was helping a friend deposit money, after hours, from a business. Three armed men tried to rob them. They got off with their purses, but not the deposit, because their timing was off. Instead of going to pieces, my mother, as tough as any military guy I’ve ever met, calmly wrote down the license plate, a description of the guys, and called the police. They were found, arrested, identified, and convicted. She had only to look at her students, for them to calm down and focus.

    Army drill sergeants know how to deal with recruits that are messing up. They call the recruit’s mother, and let mom talk to him. Almost always, that’s enough. Really think about that.

    Girls tend to emulate their fathers. Miss America contestants often cite their fathers as most influential in their lives. And boys are affected by their mothers. Pro football players will often cite their mothers, as most influential. Divorce hurts girls more than boys, then. I remember my sister explaining to her son, about children of divorce, and how they are very messed up, and don’t always know how to behave, because they are in such pain. He got it.

  10. The New York Times says more and more women are having to freeze their eggs because they can’t find good men to marry. They blame men for refusing to commit.

    Yes, that’s right. It’s always men’s fault. Women ignored the tides and seasons of biology, and it is the fault of men, that there are consequences.

  11. Advice from Camille Paglia

    Women: stop blaming men for your unhappiness.

    When a woman is drinking in a frat party, and a man asks her to go up to his room, she is consenting to sex.

    Co-education is a bad idea, because young women are not ready for it. We have reverted to the 1950’s. Every woman is responsible for her own sexuality. There are no parent figures to rescue you.

    The concept of hate speech needs to be dropped.

    If civilization had been left in female hands, we would still be living in grass huts.

    There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.

    Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

    Men chase by night those they will not greet by day.

    The prostitute is not, as feminists claim, the victim of men, but rather their conqueror, an outlaw, who controls the sexual channels between nature and culture

    We must accept our pain, change what we can and laugh at the rest

    It is capitalist America that produced the modern independent woman. Never in history have women had more freedom of choice in regard to dress, behavior, career, and sexual orientation.

    If you live in rock and roll, as I do, you see the reality of sex, of male lust and women being aroused by male lust. It attracts women. It doesn’t repel them. [Rock and roll was black slang of the 1940’s for sex.]

    Old school feminism, coveting social power, is blind to woman’s cosmic sexual power.

    Teenage boys, goaded by their surging hormones run in packs like the primal horde. They have only a brief season of exhilarating liberty between control by their mothers and control by their wives.

    Straight men who visit prostitutes are valiantly striving to keep sex free from emotion, duty, family–in other words, from society, religion, and procreative Mother Nature.

    Poetry is the way into a spiritual vision of society and the universe.

    Education has become a prisoner of contemporaneity. It is the past, not the dizzy present, that is the best door to the future.

    The male orientation of classical Athens was inseparable from its genius. Athens became great not despite but because of its misogyny.

    Western science is a product of the Apollonian mind: its hope is that by naming and classification, by the cold light of intellect, archaic night can be pushed back and defeated.

    The western mind makes definitions; it draws lines.

    Nature is always pulling the rug out from under our pompous ideals.

    Every reading is partial, but that does not absolve us from the quest for meaning, which defines us as a species.

    Beauty is our escape from the murky flesh-envelope that imprisons us.

    Liberalism defines government as tyrant father but demands it behave as nurturant mother.

    The Earth is littered with the ruins of empires that believed they were eternal.

    We are merely one of a multitude of species upon which nature indiscriminately exerts its force. Nature has a master agenda we can only dimly know.

    Sex is power.

    The altar, as in pre-history, is anywhere you kneel.

    Twentieth-century physics, going full circle back to Heracleitus, postulates that all matter is in motion. In other words, there is no thing, only energy.

    My advice, as in everything, is to read widely and think for yourself We need more dissent and less dogma.

    A woman simply is, but a man must become. Masculinity is risky and elusive. It is achieved by a revolt from woman, and it is confirmed only by other men.

    All roads from Rousseau lead to Sade. [sadism]

    Human beings are not nature’s favorites. We are merely one of a multitude of species upon which nature indiscriminately exerts its force.

    Ancient Rome made decisions that resulted in its demise. We are doing the same process.

  12. edited article
    I came of age in the full flush of the sexual revolution, part of a generation of baby boomers, born between 1951 and 1970, who started having sex earlier, with more partners.

    Growing up in the heady days of “free love”, one slept with as many men as possible, to try everything, to consider oneself a fully paid-up member of a new race. [Whose idea was this?] When I was a girl, Germaine Greer was declaring that any woman who had not tasted her own menstrual blood had not yet fully inhabited her femaleness. I wasn’t going to live a life like my mother’s, a virgin when she married my father at 21. Our mothers might not have known what a clitoris was, but we did. [And what fantastic experiences you must have had.]

    In those supposedly halcyon days of sexual freedom, no man ever asked if you were on the pill: he just assumed you were. By the time I hit my late 20s (in the early 80s), herpes was the worry. Then, of course, came Aids, but by now I was running out of puff, no longer convinced there was anything to be gained by numerous notches in the bedpost.

    By the time I finished sleeping around, I was coming up for 30. I reckoned I had slept with about 60 men. The truth of the matter is that of those many encounters, perhaps a dozen were pleasurable occasions I can actually recall. If I had been promised spontaneous and joyful sex, what I often got was awkwardness and disappointment. Once or twice I was coerced; a few times I went along with it because the man seemed to expect it. Alcohol was often a feature. I hardly meant to sleep with so many men. It was just what one did back then, like sharing a drink or a fag. If, on the one hand, we pretended the act itself was ordinary, mundane, we also invested it with a lot of ideology. As a feminist, I believed the personal was political and that I had the right to the same sexual freedom as men. In reality, open relationships were a nightmare: painful, seething with repressed jealousy and personally destructive. [The voice of experience speaks.]

    Now I know that my sleeping around was a kind of smoke screen and had more to do with my own poor sense of self. I lacked self-esteem, and a man wanting to sleep with me made me feel powerful, desired. I thought it gave me value. So much for sexual empowerment. Sex has a meaning beyond the act itself. It isn’t nothing, as we once pretended it was; it is still as hard as ever to strip sex of its mysteries. It is still as hard as ever, too, sexually to share the person we love with someone else.

    A few years ago I learned that I had the human papillomavirus (HPV), the result of sex with many men over many years. Certain strains can lead to cervical cancer and I went on to develop CIN 1 (cervical intraepithelial neoplasia). I had two abnormal smears, followed by a colposcopy to excise the rogue cells. Now everything is back to normal and I suppose I must count myself lucky.

    Today, at 53, I’m in a long-standing monogamous relationship, the mother of two daughters about to embark on their own sexual lives. My girls attend a church school, and when I’m in the playground with all the other mothers, I wonder who else shares my dirty little secret. My eldest recently turned 11 and is keenly interested in boys; my youngest will probably soon follow suit. I am going to make sure both get vaccinated against HPV.

    What do I want for them? Do I want them to know about my long erotic roll call, those many men whose names and faces I have forgotten? Of course not; I’m writing this anonymously. The so-called sexual revolution did not rid women of their shame, or of “false consciousness”. Only my closest girlfriends (and certainly not my partner) know the full details of my sexual history. I want my daughters to enter their sexual lives with the fullest of hearts. I want them to enjoy their sexuality, but I also want them to be safe. I certainly don’t want them to sleep with as many men as I did. [Interesting.

    I also wish for them a more mature appreciation of consequence. What did those many sexual encounters bring me? Did they enrich my life? Give me a deeper understanding of men, of human nature? It seems I hardly thought my body belonged to me, or that I had any personal responsibility over it.

    I understand now, of course. The permissive 60s may or may not have left an enhanced cultural legacy, but it has certainly left its mark on the bodies of women such as me.

  13. (from an advice column) In my teens and early twenties I had a lot of sexual partners. I’m a bit older now and I’ve met a wonderful man but I am so ashamed of my past. I’m afraid if he finds out how many people I slept with he’ll leave me and I am terrified of him learning the truth about how bad I used to be. Must I tell him of my past or can I lie about it? (how interesting; with a wonderful man, and you’re willing to lie to him. What’s wrong with this picture, Poindexter?)

    (the answer) Why the self-blame game? I’m sorry this is making you feel so anxious. Can we start with why you feel ‘bad’? Having many sexual partners, if the experience was consensual and enjoyable, is nothing to be ashamed of. Even if past experiences were negative or upsetting you should not feel shame for having had sex with different people. (especially the bad boys, right?)

    Of course it’s easy for me to say this. I know in reality it isn’t easy to escape such feelings. Culturally we still judge those who have many sexual partners (particularly women) very negatively. (Why might that be, I wonder? Surely there is a solid reason or two, for this common cultural thing?) Telling you just to stop feeling a particular way isn’t much practical help. Knowing it’s unreasonable for others to judge you, however, can sometimes give you enough confidence to ignore negative views.
    Imagine if a friend or loved one was in the same situation as you. Would you tell her she ought to be ashamed of herself? Might you, instead, ask her to think about why she feels so sad and guilty and encourage her to seek help with that instead? (Yep, no reason to feel sad or guilty about it.)

    Can you shift from blaming yourself to looking at these past relationships and reflect on any good things you got from them? Perhaps they taught you patience, love, friendship, or to explore different experiences and pleasure? If they were negative perhaps you learned more about your limits and how to walk away. (Except for the bad boys, of course, but they don’t stick around.) There can be reasons that cause us to regret sexual experiences in the past. Particularly if experiences were exploitative, abusive or felt outside your control, in which case organisations could assist. If you are concerned your past experiences might have resulted in a sexually transmitted infection (STI) being tested may be reassuring. NHS (British) clinics are free, confidential and will help you talking to your partner if it turns out you do have an infection requiring treatment. (Oh yes, now that will be an interesting conversation. “Um, honey, I uh, did a train, and I now have an infection requiring treatment. Can we take the injections together? And if he was mostly beta, and didn’t get much, of course he won’t be upset or jealous, at all. Yes, every woman looks forward to that conversation.)

    If your feelings of anxiety are getting in the way of your daily life you can ask in confidence for your GP to refer you to a counsellor. This is free on the NHS although waiting lists and service availability vary. If you are at college you could get confidential help from counselling services there. Or refer yourself (paid for). If your concerns are more about general confidence issues rather than deep seated worries then it might help to reading up on confidence and assertiveness. (yes, by God, you deserve to have all the fun you want, without consequences!)

    What is he like? Have your worries about your past come from things he has said? Does he appear to have strong views about sexual behaviour, perhaps influenced by faith or political values (or, fear about infections, worries about a woman who has no problem playing around, worries that you haven’t stopped- given all that experience, worries about your self-worth, worries about how much you will cost him in the divorce because you can’t pair bond, yeah, none of those matter, though, right?)

    If he has never expressed any opinion it may be that he’d be less bothered by this than you’re anticipating. Or not bothered at all. He might find your past experiences exciting. (Uh, no he won’t.) Or feel they’re your business, not his. (STD’s are very much his business, though.) He could feel threatened or worried that he may not be as good a lover as someone in your past or be less experienced than you.(A very real fear, since he can’t measure up to your picture of an ideal guy, which has the best parts of every guy you ever slept with.) Which you can reassure him he doesn’t need to be upset about. (Yes, he doesn’t need to worry about the STD’s you were exposed to, your ability to stay committed, and so on. Does he? Since you rode the carousel, so much, how will you be satisfied just with one guy?)

    You could sound him out with general discussions about people’s sexual lives. Although it’s worth remembering even strong views we may hold about general topics may change when it concerns a person close to us. (Yeah, they might get even stronger.)

    It may also help to reflect on why you feel you do need to talk to him about this, to check you’re not framing any conversations as if you are in the wrong, and consider why you see not telling him about your past as ‘lying’ rather than you deciding how much detail you feel comfortable sharing. (oh yes, the squirrel caging, there’s no need to like, tell him what he’s involved with, better to keep him enveloped in comfortable lies, yes, that’s it.)

    To tell or not?
    Complete disclosure about all past sexual experiences was very much part of advice giving in the past, and still is within some areas of sexual health care. However not everyone agrees with this as it isn’t always necessary, nor what new partners want to hear. The exception of course is if there is a risk of STIs (see above). But even here it is your choice how much to disclose about your past sexual experiences to a current partner. (That’s right. Your choice. He doesn’t deserve to know anything. Right.)

    It isn’t clear if you feel you have to tell because if not someone else might. If you feel trapped in such a situation it may make you feel more in control to talk to him first (or write to him if preferred). You don’t need to defend or excuse yourself, but could focus there on how other people want to take away from your relationship and how you don’t want this to happen. (Yes, he’ll be happy to see he’s got a woman with a triple digit partner count. I can’t imagine why more women don’t just carry a tally counter, as an item of jewelry, for this.)

    If he is likely to judge you then you may want to consider if a relationship with him is right. Holding negative attitudes about your partners past or using those to control or belittle is a relationship red flag that shouldn’t be ignored. (And of course, a triple digit partner count isn’t relevant) If disclosing your past is likely to put you in danger you would be safer looking to end the relationship but to say nothing about your previous relationships. (Yes, do avoid danger. And disclosure. Nothing like a relationship with concealed info)

    If you do decide to talk to him about your past I’d consider it purely in the context of how it benefits you, brings you closer and adds to your relationship. (yes, a triple digit partner count, that’s really going to bring you closer, and add to the relationship.)

    Remember, you are the one who decides how much you want to disclose and when. (That’s right. You decide how much of this extremely important information you are going to share, when. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right?)

  14. This was a fascinating article. (responses)
    I’ve Lost Count of the Guys I’ve Slept With And I am not ashamed of it.

    My first time was the beautiful end to a romantic night with a candlelit dinner, butterflies in my stomach, and the perfect boy. Just kidding. (Nawwww.) My first time was in the middle of the summer before my junior year of high school when I told a boy, “For your birthday, I’ll sleep with you if you promise not to flirt with anyone else while you’re working at summer camp for a month. (Now there is a hard bargaining position) ” He picked me up at my house in his mom’s SUV, drove three minutes to an abandoned house in the woods, parked in the yard, and told me to take off my pants. There was no foreplay and, for me, no pleasure. (Umm, yeah. Neither knew what they were doing, and there was no commitment. Kind of like skydiving with no training.) I went home thinking, I just had sex, but I don’t feel any differently. I didn’t tell anybody about it for over a year. It also took me over a year to have sex again after that first time and I wasn’t bothered by the abstinence. After the second time I had sex, it was another two years before I had sex again. Then, I was sexually assaulted (that is a bad thing, I hope you reported this) and in some sort of effort to reclaim my sexuality (or perhaps just because it was fun), sleeping with guys became one of my favorite pastimes.(pastimes? pastimes? What is this, a badminton game?) I was safe about it, security-wise, health-wise, and emotions-wise. I never went home from the bar with someone I had just met, I (almost) always used a condom and birth control, and I kept my distance by knowing that sex and love are not synonymous with one another. (So true)
    Growing up in a conservative area and home, the sex education I received was abstinence only. When I was twelve I signed a card saying I wouldn’t have sex until I was married. Boy, was that a lie.
    While I never regretted any of the specific times I had sex or the specific guys I had sex with, over time I had difficulty coming to terms with the number of guys. At points, I felt guilty — like I was doing something morally objectionable. I kept my sexual experiences a secret, hardly able to handle the immorality of them myself, let alone share my stories or number with anybody else. (Why? it was your pastime. Why would you let someone else judge you?) I didn’t even feel comfortable talking to my friends about my sexual experiences and still rarely do because they, too, grew up in conservative homes and have been judgmental in regards to sexual exploration.
    By the time I had slept with five guys, I began trying to find ways to justify my behavior. (Why? This was your pastime; why was this necessary?) I would tell myself things like, These have all been guys you’ve known for at least a year. It isn’t like you’re sleeping around with strangers. Or, You were sexually assaulted — that would send anybody down a path like this. (I would disagree, but ok) And even, Okay, the next person you sleep with is going to be the guy you marry or at least someone you date for a long time. (squirrel caging.)However, telling myself these things was only making me feel a heightened sense of shame.(Why? THis was your pastime.)
    My shame hit an all-time high when I was twenty-one and began my second long-term relationship. My boyfriend at the time asked me the dreaded question, How many partners have you had? As it turned out, he had been with the same number of people I had. I thought this was great — no judgement and no guilt, right? Wrong. (Why might that be, I wonder…)
    We spent the next three days arguing about the double standard he was placing on me. According to him, it was different because he had only stuck his dick in chicks, while I had dicks stuck inside me. According to him, it was different because guys are expected to sleep around, but if girls sleep around they’re not as tight and thus, not as desirable. (Yep, some guys feel that way. how about that. Maybe because women with a lot of experience often cannot commit.)
    This was slut shaming — plain and simple. (Maybe. It may also have been self-defense, against a relationship with a woman who cannot commit, and doesn’t respect herself so much. No judgment, just saying.)
    Slut shaming is any act which makes a person feel guilty for certain sexual desires or behaviors that differ from the norm, for having a certain body type, or for dressing a certain way.
    While the anecdote I referenced happened post-college, slut shaming is one of the most common forms of sexual harassment faced by middle and high school students. (Well, no, it’s not, but you don’t know what men go through) In a 2011 survey, a third of all students had experienced someone making “unwelcome sexual comments, jokes, or gestures to or about” them in person. Not surprisingly, only 22% of boys had experienced it while 46% of girls had. Additionally, over a quarter of girls and about 13% of boys had been sent “unwelcome sexual comments, jokes, or pictures” or had someone post such things about or of them online. (Aha, it does happen to boys)
    Schools are not helping this gendered bullying by enforcing biased dress codes which mandate that girls cannot wear shirts/dresses/skirts/shorts that are too revealing. The claim is that revealing clothing is a distraction for boys and interrupts their education. However, I argue that being called out of class, sent to the principal’s office, or sent home for violating dress code is far more harmful to a (female) student’s education (is it? So you can run around in a bikini, is that it?) than a boy simply having to learn to control himself and his urges. (Uhh, no, putting half-dressed women in front of a boy, or a man, has certain physiological effects. Yes, he does need to control his behavior, but there is still an effect, which is not conducive to learning. But what do you care what damage you do, anyway.)
    These slut shaming dress codes are actually perpetuating rape culture. (By what standard? What rape culture? You like to use feminist terms; the vast majority of men do not rape. But it is rather painful for them to have a half-dressed woman in their vicinity. Would you mind if they went around in jockstraps?) They place the responsibility on girls to dress a certain way rather than on boys to control themselves. (Boys have to control themselves, like it or not. Put a female animal in heat, around a male animal, and there is a reaction. It’s called biology.) Somehow, sexual harassment, assault, or rape become the girl’s responsibility to avoid instead of the boy’s responsibility to control his own reaction. (Oh, so acting responsibly is something only boys have to do. Clearly you are a feminist.)
    Boys are conditioned beginning as early as grade school to believe that they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions. (Not so. They are punished more severely than girls. Sorry, kiddo, that’s the way it is. But since you have no idea what you are talking about, here, ok)

  15. They’re conditioned to believe that if a girl is wearing a short dress or her breasts are more developed than her peers, it is okay to point this out. (No, they aren’t. Most boys, those with like two responsible parents, and standards, do not point this out. The smarter of them turn their backs to girls like this, and walk away. I know I did, often enough. I was afraid of my reaction, and knew the best way to handle was to disengage. And so did all but the rudest boys in my school.) School administrators point it out and punish girls for it, so it really is only natural for boys to assume that it is okay to call girls out for ‘taunting’ them with their short skirts. (you have it backwards, but ok)
    As boys mature, they embrace the mentality that girls deserve to be shamed, rather than outgrowing it. Eventually, they become men who shame women for owning their sexuality. (In today’s world, they know to keep their mouths shut, and simply ghost promiscuous women, abandoning them to the bad boys. Because they have learned something.)
    Interestingly, information gathered in a recent survey of people across the US and Europe doesn’t quite line up with the prevalent slut shaming most women have faced.
    According to the survey, women think that men who have had 15 partners or more are too promiscuous, while men think that women who have had 14 partners are or more are too promiscuous. The average ideal number of partners according to men is 7.6 while the average ideal number of partners according to women is 7.5. Of the people surveyed, men averaged 6.4 partners while women averaged 7 partners. (That may be an average, but it is only an average. People vary wildly in their individual values. You cannot see the individual variation.)
    The reality here is that men and women average a similar number of sexual partners (this is not true. women, playing with bad boys, have far more- and they lie about the numbers. You are not accounting for lying in surveys.) , claim that they think the ideal number of sexual partners is in that same range, and claim that they nearly agree on what number crosses the line into promiscuity. This demonstrates how men and women are essentially expected to act similarly in regards to number of sexual partners, (no, it demonstrates only how fallible statistics are) but women face much more scrutiny in every day life simply because of the existence of their sexuality. (Huh? I don’t think so. What planet did you come from?)
    Another reality is that my number is higher than average and I have been slut shamed into believing that this is bad. (Who chose to believe this? You did. You say other people controlled you, so you believe this. You need to take control of your life.) According to these statistics, my number, whatever it is, isn’t normal. In fact, I know that my number exceeds the “too promiscuous” threshold for men and women. But, I’ve decided I don’t care. (Great. Maybe you are starting to take control of your own life.)
    As my future-youth-pastor brother says, “You can only judge people based on their own set of morals and ideals. You can’t judge people based on your idea of right and wrong when they don’t hold the same opinions.” (So, a psychopath who destroys or kills people shouldn’t be judged… help me understand this. Because I have dealt with sociopathic women.) Sure, in Christianity sex before marriage might be a sin, but I’m not Christian so I’m pretty sure I’m not breaking any laws or rules here(how far did your research in this area go?)
    Anthony Comstock was someone who could have learned a little something about judgement from my brother. During the turn of the twentieth century, he headed the Society for the Suppression of Vice and personally destroyed over 160 tons of erotic material.
    In 1873, Congress passed the Comstock Law, which made distribution of pornography as well as production of materials involving information on abortion, contraception, and the prevention of venereal disease illegal. As a religious fundamentalist, Comstock played a tangible role in negatively impacting sexual and reproductive health across society. In large part thanks to his efforts, slut shaming is still widely prevalent today. (no, there are many other reasons.)
    Thankfully, there are now people like Corinne Fisher and Krystyna Hutchinson who are advocates for the sexually explorative and host a weekly anti-slut shaming podcast called Guys We Fucked. (How charming. I’m sure they are attracting guys from the top of the heap, yes, the 10 for wealth, and the 10 for being hot, and…) Prior to stumbling upon this podcast, most of my views on sex had been formed by people who more closely resembled Comstock. Even when, in the moment, I had no reason to believe anything I was doing was wrong, I later felt guilt and shame that I had been conditioned to feel.
    Judgements on sexual promiscuity are informed by religious fundamentalists like Anthony Comstock and often justified by fear of STIs and unwanted pregnancies. (It’s easy to disregard STI’s and unwanted pregancies, until you have one, and at that point it’s not so easy to back out, is it?)
    Science has advanced to a point where we can be 98% effective in avoiding HIV (that is not true), significantly reduce the risk of other STIs, and over 99% effective in preventing pregnancy. (Yes, you can bet your health on these statistics, too. And you are.)
    Religion has no place in my decision making and science is on my side, so I see no reason to feel bad about having a higher number than average. (Science is on your side. Is it warding off the STI’s and pregnancies for you?)
    The only reason I’ve ever felt shame for my “promiscuity” has been other people making me feel bad by judging me based on their morals rather than my morals. (how about that. Other people have different standards. And in relationships, you deal with other people. There’s a connection here)
    I don’t need approval from people who hold different morals than me. (great! Take ownership of who you are!) I don’t need judgment from people who are supposed to love me. I don’t need to disclose my number to anybody. (Or your STI presence, or abortions, or personal values, or anything else relevant to a guy willing to risk his life on you) Hell, I don’t even need to know my own number. (no doubt you don’t. So why are you telling us this so vehemently?) This is me telling all of those people to take their judgement and shove it up their asses. (We aren’t gay, sorry.)
    They are welcome to their opinions, but their opinions don’t reach me. (And they won’t want to reach you, either. Thanks for your consideration) I’ve lost count of the guys I’ve slept with. And I am not ashamed of it. (That’s great! You have a clear goal in life, and you are achieving it. Congratulations! And since Science is on your side, protecting you from STI’s, pregnancies, low self esteem, and all that
    other stuff, you have nothing to worry about at all!. Not even slut-shaming. And I really appreciate the lesson in squirrel caging, here.)

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