Help! My spouse won’t combine finances

There isn’t a married couple on the planet who doesn’t have to deal with money—and for many couples, it’s a major source of conflict. Indeed, money is the #1 cause of divorce and marital strife.

But money isn’t really the problem. The problem is all the emotions that surround it.

Each of us bring a unique relationship with money to the marriage table, based on what we absorbed growing up. When couples don’t dealt with their differences head-on, it wreaks havoc on their relationship.

That’s why not combining finances, which has become extremely common today, is so dangerous.

Rather than bring couples together, separate finances pushes them apart. When you don’t combine finances, you essentially have a roommate. When you do combine them, you’re a married couple in the truest sense. The intimacy between you, once the trust factor is dealt with, skyrockets.

Here are four reasons why married couples (except those where abuse or addiction is at play) should combine finances:

1. Combining finances forces conversations that may otherwise not happen. Yes, these conversations may get hairy and cause conflict. But working through the conflict, rather than ignoring it and hoping your closeted feelings (Why did he spend so much money on that? Why is her money hers but mine is ours?) will evaporate, is a recipe for disaster. Most couples who opt for separate bank accounts do so because they can’t agree on budgeting, spending habits, and savings. But having separate accounts doesn’t solve this problem; it slaps a band-aid on it. Over time, the sore will fester until it ultimately sets in for the long haul.
2. You’ll build sustainable wealth faster when you work together. Many couples today bring debt to their marriage they still think of as theirs and theirs alone. But once we marry, by law all monies are considered marital property. Student loans are an exception to this rule; but if you want to stay married, the only way to make any traction is to tackle the debt together. Viewing debt as “his” or “hers” is a breeding ground for resentment, and avoiding your feelings makes the problem worse.
3. Combining finances builds trust and intimacy. I’m not talking about sex (although a couple’s sex life definitely plays into it since separate finances connotes a lack of trust, which will play out in the bedroom). By intimacy, I mean closeness—or the feeling of being truly seen, accepted and loved. Typically, when one partner doesn’t want to combine finances, he or she doesn’t trust the other. Indeed, what looks like a money issue is usually a marriage issue that exists as a result of feelings that aren’t getting addressed. Many people will go to great lengths to avoid being vulnerable in this way, but the flip side of building a wall around your heart is a lack of trust and intimacy.
4. Not acting as a financial team doesn’t allow sex differences, upon which strong marriages are built, to flourish. One problem many couples face is that men are often more concerned with long-term wealth building, whereas women tend to be more concerned with the here and the now. Understanding why we’re this way, and then compromising, is key. A bigger problem is that most married couples don’t both work full-time and year-round throughout their lives. (In 2021, 65.6 percent of mothers with children under age 6 participated in the labor force, compared with 93.9 percent of fathers.) This massive gap, which was even more massive in the past, is the reason joint bank accounts used to be the norm. The value of wives and mothers was blindingly evident, which is why a husband’s paycheck was also considered his wife’s. Married couples acted jointly, as a team, for the good of the family. Sadly, all of that has changed. By rejecting the meaning of marriage and the value of the unpaid labor mothers perform at home, if only temporarily. we’ve created conflict and separation where there used to be unity. And money has become the tool people use to support this divide, as couples must now negotiate everything in their marriages according to who owes what and who earns what. It’s a G-damn mess.

Many couples will say they separate their accounts for a reason: They’ve been burned in the past and believe keeping money separate will keep problems at bay; they don’t want to be “told” what they can and can’t do with money; or they just don’t trust their spouse to manage money.

But what if I have good reason for not trusting my spouse? You may have a great reason, but refusing to share finances isn’t going to solve the problem. Only by addressing the underlying issue(s) can the problem be solved and the marriage fixed.

Money problems are marriage problems, pure and simple. It’s almost always the emotional side of money, not the math itself, that gets couples into trouble.

It’s just super hard to win with money when you and your spouse aren’t on the same page. If you want to combine finances and your spouse doesn’t, you need to find out why. The answer is always in the Why. Keeping separate accounts won’t resolve the lack of trust around money management or the resentment over spending habits. Those problems will simply multiply.

In the end, it’s not really about the logistics—how many bank accounts a couple has or who manages the accounts or how much is in them—but about whether or not there’s one shared mindset in the marriage. One agreed-upon goal and spending plan.

To be sure, combining finances is harder than not combining them. Not combining them is the easy way out, and there is never any growth in the comfort zone.

If you want a truly magnificent marriage, jump into the discomfort. That’s where the magic happens.