How to Find a Marriageable Man

Good MenIf there’s one story that won’t go away and is only destined to get bigger, it’s that women today insist they can’t find a good man.

And by “good,” they mean marriageable. And by “marriageable,” they mean a man who’s educated, who’s gainfully employed, and who would make a great dad. In fact, some women are so desperate these days they’ve resorted to marrying themselves!

Where, oh where, have the good men gone?

The culture wants you to believe it’s all very simple: Men have become bums in response to all the successful women running around. Men are intimidated, in other words, by this brave new world we’ve created.

That isn’t it.

The real reason women can’t find husbands goes all the way back to the sexual revolution, when feminist Baby Boomers introduced two new ideas to American women: that marriage is a patriarchal institution designed to hold them down, and that women are no different from men—even when it comes to sex.

Ergo, the message men received, post 1970, is that women are sex objects and marriage is optional. And the message women received was that casual sex is empowering. The outcome, of course, is the ‘hookup culture’ and the astronomical rise in cohabitation.

Women don’t realize they gave up their bargaining power. Prior to the 1970s, sex was understood to be an economic exchange designed to bring men and women together for the ultimate purpose of marriage. It was also understood that the sexes are different, and, thus, allowances must be made.

On average, a man’s sex drive is higher than a woman’s. And women aren’t very good at separating sex and emotion, so they’re on high alert for a man’s willingness to commit. (That’s the reason the film He’s Just Not That Into You wasn’t titled She’s Just Not That Into You.) Finally, women are the ones who bear the brunt of the sexual act.

For all of these reasons, women have historically been the sexual gatekeepers. When it came to sex, they called the shots.

All of that changed with the bogus idea that men and women have the same desires and proclivities, when of course they don’t. Nonetheless, women listened to this message and lowered their standards—thereby relinquishing their power.

The result is that today men, not women, have the advantage—because there are more men than women looking for sex and more women than men looking for marriage. That’s why women can’t find husbands.

It’s all quite ironic, isn’t it? Feminists insisted they were going to empower women, but they’ve done just the opposite. The high market value of sex has vanished, and now men are in the driver’s seat. Not only can men get sex with no effort, they can avoid commitment as long as they like. After all, they’re not the ones with the biological clock.

This sociological phenomenon we’re living through today will continue until women change their tune. They’re the relationship navigators.

Here are three timeless strategies for landing a husband:

1. Don’t sleep around.

Stop acting like sex is all you want if commitment is really the goal. If you sleep with a man too soon, you undermine the relationship’s ability to move forward in the direction you want it to go. No one can see the other person clearly through sex goggles. Eventually, the real person comes out—and so do the problems you couldn’t see before. Moreover, men don’t trust women who sleep around. To a man, as 23 year-old Max told Dr. Helen Smith in her book Men on Strike, readily available sex is a marker of an untrustworthy woman. If she sleeps with you on the first date, he said, she might sleep with your buddy on the next one.

2. Don’t shack up.

I’m continuously amazed at the number of women who willingly live with men to whom they’re not married and then wonder why marriageable men are nowhere to be found. Duh! If a man asks you to live with him, that is not a step up in the relationship—it’s a step down. And if you’re the one who suggests cohabiting, you’re cheapening yourself—and he will view you exactly as you’ve viewed yourself. Women are far more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage anyway, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or to postpone commitment. These opposite approaches are associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment, even if the relationship progresses to marriage.

3. Stop pretending you’re a man’s “equal.”

Newsflash: Men aren’t looking for another version of themselves—they’re looking for the opposite of themselves. They want the feminine. So stop invoking feminism at every turn. Every marriage demands a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. So-called equal marriages (and don’t let the cozy term fool you; traditional marriages are not “unequal”) are far more tenuous than conventional marriages. Not only are these couples less happy overall, they have less sex!

One of these days, Americans will connect the dots between what has happened to marriage and dating and what changed to make it happen. But I won’t hold my breath.

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Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and relationship coach known as The Feminist "Fixer.” She helps free women from feminist lies so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

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Comments

  1. I don’t know that men have the advantage really. Perhaps, in a nuanced way, but in general they do not. And why all the education? It is not real education anyway, I and my peers learned absolutely nothing. Colleges are just diploma mills. And the positions that we went to college for won’t exist for all of us, a certain number will get those positions, the rest will have to move on and take what we can get. How evil of us, I know. But I assure you it is the economic reality of America that makes it so, and it is not our fault. I don’t see how killing time in dorms for 4, 5 or 6 years makes a man ‘husband material’ really. I felt more mature before college. At the heart of the matter is status. Also, there is a concerted effort to keep men out of these glorious, high and mighty desk jobs that women find so marriageable; what then? Women feel they have status over men now, which has been artificially contrived. Men don’t care about women’s status.

  2. Wow. Wisdom. I added some comments yesterday, to some of your points, I don’t guess you’ll ever publish them, but it was fun to say something creative.

    You are correct, on every point. Could I add some points? Every man over the age of 40 or so, that I’ve talked to, tells me women are absolutely crazy. They blow up at small points, they don’t do long term planning, they take every irritation and dump out all that frustration on their man like a land mine blowing up… I get irritated, but I don’t do a core dump of every frustration I’ve ever had, on people who irritate me.

    There is another point, on marriage. Trustworthiness. OK, it touches the points you made. Is a woman trustworthy? Respectful? If not, this is like running with a few pebbles in your shoes. Have you seen that youtube video, about the bride who, the night before, slept with the best man? And the groom dumps her, right at the altar?

    In marriage, you have to give more than you get, because you never see all the other person does. OK, you want to divide housework in half? If I do it, it will be done my way, quickly. Oh, by way, it’s time to change the oil in the car- oh- that’s man’s work, so I, as a woman, don’t have to do it. So the man has to do half the housework, and also all the man’s work. That’s a formula for relationship success.

    I was married to a woman whose basic goal turned out to be me not only bringing home the bacon, but also doing all the housework, including cleaning up after her cat did his business on the rug. ANd putting up with her alcoholic rages. I had to tell my daughter by a previous marriage to lock her door, at night, the rages were that bad. That woman dumped every resentment she ever had about men, on me, with interest. We went to a counsellor, who asked an intelligent question: do you want to make it work? SHe said yes. I tried to say yes, but instead, a “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” came out of my body, because I couldn’t deny it. She moved on into a house, I paid the first month’s rent. She said she needed 30 days to get her head together. So I was going to move in. She told me if I tried to move in, she would take out a restraining order on me. Hey, no problem. I ghosted her- my only defense, since men have no standing against that kind of accusation. Her lawyer sent me a letter, demanding half my assets. I just ignored her lawyer; married 2 years, no kids, no real estate, I had no worries. I had to deal with her at the divorce. And never talked to her again. Ever. She passed on, not long ago. I can’t say I felt anything. She destroyed any feeling I had for her. I told her once, during the marriage, that she was extremely difficult to please. SHe said, with considerable irritation, “Well you’re a talented guy, you should welcome the challenge!” All desire to please her just drained out of me, like a liquid.

    Small courtesies matter. Dr. Laura used to say very practical things, like that.

    The sexual revolution raised the price of marriage, greatly, and lowered the price of sex. What is the incentive for a man to marry, anyway, nowadays? Many men have decided it’s not worth it. Just look at the MGTOW sites, and there are many men who feel that way, who don’t yet know what MGTOW means.

    Thanks for what you do.

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