How to Find a Marriageable Man

Good MenIf there’s one story that won’t go away and is only destined to get bigger, it’s that women today insist they can’t find a good man.
And by “good,” they mean marriageable. And by “marriageable,” they mean a man who’s educated, who’s gainfully employed, and who would make a great dad. In fact, women are so desperate these days they’ve resorted to marrying themselves.

Where, oh where, have the good men gone?

The culture wants you to believe it’s all very simple. Men have become bums in response to all the successful women women running around. Men are intimidated, in other words, by this brave new world we’ve created. But many alpha women are, and can be, happily hitched if they understand how love works.

No, the real reason women can’t find husbands goes all the way back to the sexual revolution, when feminist Baby Boomers introduced two new ideas to American women: that marriage is a patriarchal institution designed to hold them down, and that women are no different from men—even when it comes to sex.

Ergo, the message men received, post 1970, is that women are sex objects and marriage is optional. And the message women received was that casual sex is liberating and marriage, well, sucks.

The inevitable outcome is today’s ‘hookup culture’ and the astronomical rise in cohabitation.

What women don’t realize is they gave up their bargaining power. Prior to the 1970s, sex was understood to be an economic exchange designed to bring men and women together for the ultimate purpose of marriage. It was also understood that the sexes are different, and thus, allowances must be made.

On average, a man’s sex drive is higher than a woman’s. And women don’t typically separate sex from emotion, so they’re on high alert for a man’s willingness to commit. (That’s the reason the film He’s Just Not That Into You wasn’t titled She’s Just Not That Into You.) Finally, women are the ones who bear the brunt of the sexual act. For all of these reasons, women have historically been the sexual gatekeepers. Indeed, they called the shots.

All of that changed with the bogus idea, brought on by the sexual revolution, that men and women are the same. Feminists insisted that men and women have the same desires and proclivities, when of course they don’t. Nonetheless, women listened to their mothers and mentors and thus lowered their standards—thereby relinquishing their power.

The result is that today men, not women, have the advantage—because there are more men than women looking for sex and more women than men looking for marriage. That’s why women can’t find husbands.

It’s all quite ironic, isn’t it? Feminists insisted they were going to empower women, but they’ve done just the opposite. The high market value of sex has vanished, and now men are in the driver’s seat. Not only can men get sex with no effort, they can avoid commitment as long as they like. They’re not the ones with the biological clock.

All of which leaves the modern woman screwed.

This sociological phenomenon we’re living through today will continue until women change their tune. They’re the relationship navigators.

Here are three age-old strategies for landing a husband:

1. Don’t be promiscuous.

Stop acting like sex is all you want if commitment is really the goal. If you sleep with a man too soon, you undermine the relationship’s ability to move forward in the direction you want it to go. No one can see the other person clearly through sex goggles. Eventually, the real person comes out—and so do the problems you couldn’t see before. Moreover, men don’t trust women who sleep around. To a man, as 23 year-old Max told Dr. Helen Smith in her book Men on Strike, readily available sex is a marker of an untrustworthy woman. If she sleeps with you on the first date, he said, she might sleep with your buddy on the next one.

2. Don’t shack up.

I’m continuously amazed at the number of women who willingly live with men to whom they’re not married and then wonder why marriageable men are nowhere to be found. Duh! If a man asks you to live with him, that is not a step up in the relationship—it’s a step down. And if you’re the one who suggests cohabiting, you’re cheapening yourself—and he will view you exactly as you’ve viewed yourself. Women are far more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage anyway, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or to postpone commitment. These opposite approaches are associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment, even if the relationship progresses to marriage.

3. Stop pretending you’re a man’s “equal.”

Newsflash: Men aren’t looking for another version of themselves—they’re looking for the opposite of themselves. They want the feminine. So stop invoking feminism at every turn. Every marriage demands a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. So-called equal marriages (and don’t let the cozy term fool you; traditional marriages are not “unequal”) are far more tenuous than conventional marriages. Not only are these couples less happy overall, they have less sex!

One of these days, I hope, Americans will connect the dots between what has happened to marriage and dating and what has changed to make it happen. Some men today are actually willing to get married, but the woman they love is so focused on her career it doesn’t happen. So in the interim, the couple shacks up and waits for the “right moment” to marry, which of course doesn’t exist and in reality translates to waiting until the final hour, before the woman’s eggs expire.

All that waiting and playing house has a deleterious effect on the relationship. For one thing, if the marriage does happen (and it often doesn’t) it is typically made for the wrong reason: as in, “well, we’ve come this far, so now we have to marry.” For another, the priorities are all wrong. If a woman’s career is taking precedence in her life for years and years and the marriage only happens in time to have kids, the chances of the marriage doing well are poor. Because the marriage is not the focus, and it must be if it’s going to last.

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Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, speaker and cultural critic known as “The Feminist Fixer.” She has authored several books to help women win with men in life and in love. Her most recent, The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage, was published in February 2017.

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