Do You Suffer From the Green Grass Syndrome?

Lynn, 38, was unhappy in her marriage. Her husband was a good man and a great father, and he made a good living. But Lynn was bored. She wanted the excitement of something new, and she wanted to be married to a wealthier man. After several affairs, Lynn finally found what she was looking for and divorced her husband to marry her rich boyfriend.

Life was good for a while—not for the kids, obviously, who saw much less of their father and who missed him terribly—but for Lynn. She enjoyed the perks that came with being married to her new, wealthier husband.

In her excitement about having a new life, Lynn overlooked some glaring flaws in her new husband. While he was wealthy on paper, he was also a party boy who never grew up. He lived primarily on his family’s wealth, not on his own; and while Lynn thought her new man was just a “fun” guy, he turned out to be an alcoholic. He didn’t hold a candle to the caliber of Lynn’s first husband, whose character was unparalleled. Lynn’s second marriage lasted, but barely. And not happily.

__________________

There’s an underlying thought process many women who get divorced harbor, either consciously or subconsciously: that they can do better. That somewhere out there (or already waiting in the wings) is a man who doesn’t have her husband’s faults. Someone who is more exciting, more loyal, more sexy, more loving or more caring.

In reality, most women who get divorced and remarried find their new partners have many of the same faults their old partners did, or they have different but equally significant flaws.

My co-author, John M. Townsend, Ph.D., interviewed many women who had satisfactory marriages but left them for the lure what they thought would be a superior emotional and material investments only to find that the men they desired were unwilling to marry them or had much less to invest than the women had originally thought.

One woman left a young, successful lawyer who was reliable but “dull and boring” for a man who promised a glamorous life of sailing, travel and affluence. This man turned out  to  be a dreamer who had deluded himself, and her, into thinking he had the potential to become a great architect. He never became an architect, had a nowhere  job, and ultimately depended on her ambition and income to attain a comfortable standard of living. She divorced this man and regrets leaving her dull, boring, but devoted and stable first husband.

These women suffer from the Green Grass Syndrome: the toxic idea that there’s a person or a life “out there” that’s better for them than the one they already have.

I know it’s human nature to compare one’s life to what you think others have that’s better than what you have. But doing so will throw a grenade on your marriage. Nothing good can come from it.

Moreover, it’s a mirage. The grass that you think looks perfect in reality has crabgrass and dandelions upon closer examination. And it’s no different with marriage.

The marriage or the husband you’re convinced looks better than yours isn’t better at all. You just can’t see the warts from your vantage point. Like the green grass, up close that husband or that marriage looks very different from what you imagine.

No matter who you end up with, John Doe or Brad Pitt, there will always be something missing. Always.

That’s why the best thing you can do for yourself and for your marriage is reject the Green Grass Syndrome and become a “satisficer.” A satisficer concentrates on the reasons she made the decision she did and practices gratitude, or being grateful, for the wisdom of that choice.

Don’t be one of those women who divorces her husband thinking she can do better. All you’ll do is trade Peter for Paul. Instead, focus on why you chose the man you did in the first place. Focus on what he brings to the table and be done with it.

Stop looking for more.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and radio host known as The Feminist Fixer. She helps free women from feminism so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Almost every woman will have around her, a number of males who want sex with her. It is easy for her to walk into the trap of thinking that she is special and could do much better than the husband she is with.
    Feminism has played its part in this, training society that sex is something which women are entitled to and training men by experience that they can have sex with lots of willing women.
    Humans are a sexual reproductive species, and yes, sexual attraction is a real thing. But in the past, women & men had stronger boundaries, now they are gone, leaving an open field for easy sexual encounters and specifically for women a feeling that they are not being “treated right”. No wonder the vast majority of divorce applications are made by women.

  2. This is an odd message. While I get what you’re saying, that no marriage or husband is perfect, what you wrote is a little troubling.

    “I know it’s human nature to compare one’s life to what you think others have that’s better than what you have. But doing so will throw a grenade on your marriage. Nothing good can come from it.

    Moreover, it’s a mirage. The grass that you think looks perfect in reality has crabgrass and dandelions upon closer examination. And it’s no different with marriage.”

    There ARE actual happy and thriving marriages out there. I have people tell me often how much they admire my marriage of 18 years. My husband is amazing and I appreciate him and everything he does for our family. He feels the same. After reading this article, it would seem that what everyone SHOULD believe is that we have loads of problems and “weeds” in order to feel better about their marriage. That’s a lousy message.

    This is the same BS we tell people about folks “in your neighborhood” who look like they’re doing great financially; nice house, nice car, nice vacations. They can’t POSSIBLY be doing that well…they must be in a truckload of debt! They’re making up for their career and life dissatisfaction by trying to “show off” and “impress” other people!

    Appreciate what you have (as much as you may dislike it), because the “perfect” folks are screwed up, too! My marriage may not be perfect, but I can’t believe for a second that the message you really want to send is that wives should appreciate their husbands more because all the other husbands are just as unappealing as they find theirs at a particular moment.

    • Huh. I definitely didn’t get that from what I wrote at all! Well, that’s certainly not what I mean and hope that’s not what other people got from it. I will post your response on my FB page and take a little poll bc you’re right: the message I’m meaning to send is not to just accept a shitty life bc everyone else’s is shitty too!

      • That is not what I got from what you wrote at all either. You mentioned a few times that you are talking about women leaving otherwise healthy marriages, not about women who are being abused or mistreated.

        I don’t know any marriage that is truly perfect and without conflict once in awhile. My husband and I have been together 25 years and young couples have actually said our relationship is inspiring and they want to have a relationship like us. But behind closed doors we occasionally argue (sometimes a nasty argument!) and there are things we would both like to change about each other but probably never will. So if someone is looking for a Princess/Prince Charming fantasy marriage ours is too real to be that. Like everyone I know. We are a happy couple, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to work at being a couple once in awhile and we don’t make mistakes and have to learn from them an apologize. And I know what you’re talking about – some people just don’t want to do the work and have reality they just want a fantasy that doesn’t exist. I personally, wouldn’t want to be married to someone where we never argued, never disagreed, never irritated each other. To me that would mean either we’re both robots or we’re seriously faking it.

      • That’s not at all what I got from this article. Every yard has weeds; that doesn’t mean it’s not a beautiful lawn, it simply means that it takes work to keep it beautiful.

        Fantastic read, as always, Suzanne.

    • This is from the book The Paradox of Choice and is more of what I was getting at:

      “A friend once told me how his minister had shocked the congregation with a sermon on marriage in which he said, flatly that, yes, the grass is always greener. What he meant was that you will encounter people who are younger, better looking, funnier, smarter, or seemingly more understanding or empathetic than your wife or husband.

      But finding a life partner is not a matter of comparison shopping or “trading up.” The only way to find happiness and stability in the presence of seemingly attractive and tempting options is to say, “I’m simply not going there. I’ve made my decision about a life partner, so this person’s empathy or that person’s looks really have nothing to do with me. I’m not in the market—end of story.”

  3. yes, I had the GGS and wish I would have read this article 23 yrs ago when I decided to leave my marriage to be with a “better person”. Ho hum right! Didn’t work out and I’ve stayed single every since. I’m engaged now and am choosing not to marry for a while as those dandelions keep popping up and I need to learn how to pick them out and stay on the green dirty grass no matter what. Older and wiser now!
    Thanks for a great article I totally got it and unfortunately am one of the GGS people!

    • Thank you, Sandy, for the courage to admit your own mistake, which takes insight & discernment to get to the correct self-evaluation.

      And thank you for sharing your wisdom of being careful, selective, and patient in choosing the next spouse, (instead of falling into the next welcoming arms, like society’s current practice.)

      You are indeed wiser.

      • On a military patrol, the guy in front is on point. He guides the patrol. He also hits the mines, booby traps, and is most likely to be killed in an ambush. I prefer to let other people run point for me. I let them run into the mines, and booby traps. So, thanks for showing us the booby trap, here.

  4. Suzanne, you are an island of wisdom, in a vast sea of stupidity. Wow.

    I know a guy- Caribbean, whose wife dumped him. She was like 47, decided she could find a better guy, didn’t even have one on the line. She put him in jail with false accusations. Now I know it will come as a surprise to you, but she wasn’t able to find a better guy. Who would have thought? So now she wants her ex back. Her ex knows he can’t trust her. He says, “too bad, so sad…”

    I know a guy in town, about 55. His wife had an affair, kicked him out of the house, got a court order forbidding him to ever enter the house. OK. Well, her lover dumped her. Gosh, who would have thought, a man who would get involved with a married woman, might not like, stick around. They have 3 kids. So. My buddy rents a room from a friend. He has discovered that, lo and behold, there are 10 women looking, for every guy like him, and many are rather nice, not to mention desperate. And his ex wants him back. He just said “no”, just like Nancy Reagan said. He realized that paying child support is actually cheaper than being married to his ex, because she spends money like a crop dusting plane spreads pesticides.

    My neighbor went through eight years of hell in divorce court, with a bipolar soon to be ex, who bankrupted him. Now she calls him up to complain she can’t keep a boyfriend. She doesn’t call their sons, though, because after she beat them with a belt buckle on a belt, and wooden poles, they just don’t want to have anything to do with her.

    American women do not understand that actions have consequences. My first wife had boyfriends, when I was married to her. I managed to get custody of our daughter, which was the only value in that relationship. She tried to contact me four years ago, through our now adult daughter. I just said “no”. Sorry, I learned the first painful lesson well enough to know I don’t need to repeat the course.

    Proverbs has a few things to say about a faithful wife. My brother and I have both had married women to show interest in us. We have a simple rule: just walk away. We don’t play with explosive ordnance, and we don’t play with married women.

    There are some men who do. But think about it. Are they responsible? Able to commit? Reliable? Huh uh.

    Women think there are many great men out there, just waiting to marry them. Maybe it’s from watching soap operas. I knew a Vietnam vet whose wife dumped him after less than a year. He was torn up by it. She went on to marry another guy, have a kid, and dumped him. She married a third guy, had a kid, and dumped him. She realized that number 1 was the best of the lot, so now she tried to slingback. But number 1 had learned how to sample what they called ADC women, women on welfare. He kept 2 of them on the line, at any given time. Oh, eventually they’d give him an ultimatum, and he’d just replace them. No, number 1 wasn’t about to have to pay $500 K, or whatever it is now, to raise some other guy’s kids. He had learned that first painful lesson. He wasn’t about to repeat his mistake. There is a woman in my town, with kids. Gorgeous, really, and the skintight clothes she wears do look very nice, so nice I turn my eyes elsewhere, so my physiology won’t give me away. She has only one problem. Her boyfriend is behind bars. She’s looking for a beta cuck, to pay her bills. May Allah grant her patience. But even Beta cucks know that ladies that like bad boys don’t stop sleeping with them just because they got married. They also know that dealing with another man’s kids means dealing with another man, who is getting graduate training in violence. Can you spell D-A-N-G-E-R? Yes, that women gives me the “stare”, and yes, I know exactly what it means. I just push the “nerd” button, and move on. When the radar warning tells me the enemy pilot has locked on, it’s time to evade.

  5. The grass is always greener- because you don’t see what it is, you see what is in your imagination. Relationships are spiritual, because they help us let the garbage float to the top of the pool, so we can fish it out. The whole point of relationships is to grow, to learn to feel the larger self of the relationship.

    I’ve seen women do precisely what you describe. They run off with another guy, and trash the guy they were with before. Then they realize the new guy has faults, too, and he may be worse than the first guy. Only they burned their bridges behind them. The new guy was willing to play with a married women, so he clearly has no respect, or standards. How reliable is he going to be? He’s not, usually. Buddhists have the idea that having sex means you consider who else is affected by it. If it hurts someone else, unnecessarily, then it isn’t worth having. In America, women now have the Playboy philosophy, of thinking they could do permanent damage to themselves, if they don’t satisfy their lusts.
    They never figured out that Hugh was totally materialistic. How often did he change out girlfriends.

    Yes, the grass is always greener. Until you get there.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: