What if you don’t find yourself unTIL you get married?

For years now it has been the norm for Western women to view their twenties as that coveted time in which they’re supposed to “find themselves.” The assumption is that in the past, prior to feminists “freeing” women from their formerly oppressed lives, women tethered themselves to husbands and babies and “lost” themselves in the process.

The message was clear: marriage swallows you whole.

I recall Sandra Bullock saying something to that effect in a 2010 interview with Barbara Walters: “I always had this feeling that if you got married, it was like the end of who you were,” she said.

What if the opposite is true? What if you don’t find yourself until you get married?

After all, it’s not as though today’s single woman embarks on some sort of self-exploration in her 20s that results in her becoming more mature and more grounded. On the contrary, all that “empowerment” women have been raised with has made them shockingly self-absorbed and entitled.

Author Lori Gottleib admitted as much in her 2011 book Marry Him. In Chapter 3, aptly entitled “How Feminism Fucked Up My Love Life,” she writes this:

Growing up, my friends and I thought feminism was fabulous. To us, feminism meant we had freedom of choice in all aspects of our lives. We could pursue professional careers, take time to ‘find ourselves’ before getting married, decide not to get married at all, and have our sexual needs met whenever we felt like it…We grew up believing we shouldn’t compromise in any area of life, including dating. The higher our standards, the more “empowered” we were.

But were we?

Here’s what actually happened: Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that in real life, you can’t get everything you want, when you wanted, on your terms only.

Which is exactly how many of us empowered ourselves out of a good mate.

Indeed, women don’t “find themselves” as a result of freedom and liberation. They just make it harder for themselves to find a husband at all—and to be satisfied when and if they do.

No one “finds him/herself” prior to marriage. It takes decades to iron out one’s life—to know who you are and what you want. If everyone waited to marry until they’d figured all that out they’d be close to retirement.

Being single is the easiest existence there is—there’s no mirror in that world. Yes, you can live as you please. But you can’t grow. To grow, you need another person.

Being married is like looking into a mirror every single day for years. There’s no hiding when you’re married because everything you do affects someone else. It is there where you grapple with the essence of who you are, which in turn brings out your true identity.

It may be harder to be married than it is to be single, but nothing worthwhile is easy. It’s within the trial and tribulations of marriage that a person finds what he or she is made of.

Which means all those years of being single are often just wasted years. All that time spent studying to get degree upon degree upon degree, all that time spent building a career and hitting the bars, all that time moving in and out of countless failed relationships or random hookups, all that time spent being self-involved leads to…well, what exactly?

“Whereas delaying marriage and avoiding commitment would seem to promote self-discovery,” writes Barry Schwartz in The Paradox of Choice, “this freedom and self-exploration seems to leave many people feeling more lost than found.”

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne Venker is an author, columnist and relationship coach known as The Feminist "Fixer.” She helps free women from feminist lies so they can find lasting love with men. Suzanne's newest book, WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts, will be published October 2019.

Reader Interactions


  1. It is marvelous to tell women to marry earlier- and frankly it gives them a much better chance – especially since young men until they are about 25 – have a greatly reduced perception of risk. However, increasingly it is men who seek to avoid marriage – for good cause. It has been made into a contract both socially and legally that obligates him, and only him. It is that it is framed as her choice to stay home- and for him not to be a monster – he needs to work the hours required to fill the gap. It is framed as he must pull his weight around the house – even when he is not there because of work 12 hours or more a day.

    It is that he is not really ever given serious assurance those are really their kids, as opposed to her kids, in the reality of both certain knowledge of paternity, and having removed the social stigma around her cheating – we know that in many cases they are not his kids – only his burden. (20 % of DIY paternity kits – show he is not – 50% of lab tested challenges the same).

    When we see the reality that Helen Smith pointed to, it must be understood, that while perhaps she should be seeking a good and supportive husband – perhaps we need to also understand, that we have created a view of marriage – where young men understand that they are deemed disposable in marriage – which, well, makes it radically harder to find someone who is both worthy – and interested.

    Young men have heard “women don’t owe men shit” and have reason to believe that women still believe they are owed. That does not make a relationship particularly attractive.

    • Why would a young man take the risk of loosing his children,income,job,health,etc in a divorce?What if the marriage ends up as a “dead marriage” when the wife doesnt want to be involved ? That the husband needs to change and not her?Doesnt want to go anywhere,lets herself “go” i.e. overweight,no makeup,frumpy clothes,etc. Wife doesn’t make her husband a priority in her life, doesnt appreciate him,validate him as a man-ie. sex,affection,romance,flirt with him,etc. Men didn’t get married to become celibate,wives need to remember that..

      • Wow. A woman said this? How perceptive. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce; over 70% of these are initiated by women, who just “aren’t happy”. What man with brains would risk his economic security on those odds? What man wants to see his kids suffer, through divorce- as the kids of some of his friends already are? What man is going to take the massive, dangerous risk, of marriage, with the deck stacked against him?

        • You aren’t wrong…and that makes me sad. I have recently watched several divorces in the family, all initiated by wives who aren’t happy. The husbands are truly devastated. And everything you’ve talked about here in this comment is playing out…loss of children, income, savings. It is devastating. I only hope to say that I am raising my kids to have a different mindset on love and marriage. I do want my kids to get married someday…and I hope my son marries a good wife who doesn’t look upon him as you’ve described.

  2. I did the Sound of Music tour, in Austria. Saw all the places in the movie. The guide had some resentments about his life. He noted that the Jewish merchants who were around, prior to WW II, had great prices, and were great businessmen. He said that the stores now charged a lot of money. He was envious of the Frye boots I was wearing. How sad. Because, you know, the Jewish merchants aren’t coming back. Some ended up as soap, in the concentration camps, and a few got out of Europe. I personally enjoy Jewish people, most are very intelligent, and if treated with respect, will often share some great ideas. Listen carefully to what feminists say. They don’t want men around. And, since most men are courteous, they lower their profile. Men are feeling more and more like deer, when the season opens. And more and more, they do just what deer do- they lower their profile. An alert deer can feel a hunter scoping him, from 500 yards away. Alert people can, too. Deer, and people, evade. In fact, snipers are taught not to stare at their targets until ready to shoot, because people really can feel observation. That’s impossible, in the Newtonian physical world, but it’s true. Men feel kind of hunted, in the USA.

    There are apple orchards in my area. For a week, they are in bloom, and you can hear the bees. The time for apples to grow is spring. Not late summer. Spring. The best time for a woman to give birth is in her 20s. Pregnancy, and birth, really tax a woman’s body. Births to women over 30 are considered risky, by OB’s. For good reason.

    My gramma got married, around 1908. She knew only the lads of nearby communities. She picked a guy who had a 6th grade education. He got his doctorate, and taught in a college for 30 years. He had potential. Her comparables were local.

    Something happened, by 1920. Movies. Have you seen pictures of Mary Pickford? She was stunning. Douglas Fairbanks was great. So, now women had vastly different comparables. Comparison is basic to perception; you compare events to your experience. The energy gradient between your perception, and your comparable, determines how you value what you see.

    So, women could now dream of being with a movie star. The local lads weren’t any good, any more. And women who didn’t have the movie star felt cheated.

    Ladies, if you seek husbands, who will support you, you gotta treat them well. You may find a prince. He will look at you, too. If he finds you wanting, he won’t tell you that. He knows you can make false claims against him, as in #metoo. So he’ll tell you he’s gay, involved with a married man, and has to keep it secret. Or he’ll tell you he’s got another relationship. Or whatever he thinks you’ll believe. Because he knows women are dangerous. He’ll pay attention to whether your sense of self stops at the skin, or not. He’ll pay attention to how you treat people, for he knows that the way you treat the least of these, is how you will treat him. He listens carefully for bitching. If you don’t know how to identify and solve your problems, and prefer bitching, he knows to drop you fast. If he’s over 30, he feels your heart, first. He knows that the 10’s often conceal a sharp, serrated blade, a punji stick, that can hurt him. He’ll know how sincere you are. He can’t give you accurate feedback, for his own safety, so he evades anything that feels dangerous.

    Terrence Popp did a youtube video, noting that the number of men seeking marriage, after the age of 35, drops every year, quickly. And the number of women seeking marriage, after the age of 35, goes up and up and up. Un padre bien tiene el valor de 100 maestros- a good father has the value of 100 teachers.

  3. You can have anything you want- so long as you are willing to pay the price.
    But you cannot [usually] have *everything* you want.

    Which means you gotta prioritize. What do you want? The career? Go for it. Commit totally.
    If you want the family, commit, go for it. Pay the price. For everything comes at a price, even doing nothing.

    Or, dump half the housework on hubby. And then, when the oil needs changing, or the lock needs changing, “oh, that’s man’s work, I don’t know how to do that, you’ll have to do that.” Be really bitchy, and have moods, and be very difficult to please. Pull the pin on the fat grenade. Cut your hair short. Complain often. Waste lots of money. Demand new furniture. Never, ever thank hubby, for anything. Make hubby rue the day he met you. Why not, so many American women do just this. I told my second wife she was very difficult to please. She said, with great irritation, “Well, you’re a talented guy, you should welcome the challenge.” Any desire to please her drained out of my body, like a liquid, within the next 30 seconds. It took a few months to break off the appearance of a relationship, but it ended right there, for me. We went to a counsellor. He was smart, he asked if we both wanted to stay married, as his first question. I tried to say yes, and a deep tidal wave came out of my gut, as a “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” My body wouldn’t let the lie pass. And we were divorced, soon afterwards. Many American married men lead lives of quiet desperation. Men kill themselves 4 times as much as women do. Or, this men’s joke- “Why do men die sooner than women? Because they want to.” Many men over 40 laugh hysterically at this. Because the truth is funny. Women outlived men by a year, in 1920. Now women outlive men by 7 years. Women get far more out of the system than men do- Social security, and so on- and men get far less.

    You can have that magnificent family. It comes at a price. You’ll need to give up your resentment, your hatred, your sleep sometimes… and you’ll become a much better person. For military service, ya gotta make a commitment. Part of this is putting up with a lot of sh… Oh, you can get out, in peacetime, with a dishonorable discharge, if you want to. But most guys ride out their term, and put up with it. And then realize they are far better than they would have been, otherwise- because they stayed the course. But you don’t know that till you get to the other side. Marriage is a growth opportunity, very hard to equal anywhere else in life. Your sense of self has to grow outside your skin. You have to think about others, first. It is a spiritual path as honorable as any monastery, according to a Tibetan abbot I once heard.

    You aren’t going to find the prince right away. You bring home the apple tree sapling, and it’s not producing fruit right away. It needs a few years to spread its roots, to grow branches, and so on. Everybody wants it all RIGHT NOW. This is based on electronics. The natural world teaches patience, but Americans ignore it. You have to take a chance. Oh, study patterns, get older women talking, and all that, so you take at least a measured risk. Avoid the druggies and alcoholics, they will never reform.

    My father planted a tree, about 1935. It is still growing, in the yard. It is said that Sultan Harun al-Rashid found an old man, planting a date tree. Date trees take 50 years to produce fruit, so the old man would clearly never enjoy the fruit. The Sultan, who was in disguise, asked the old man why he was doing that. The old man said it was for his grandchildren. The Sultan gave him a gold dinar, a gold coin about half dollar size. The old man said, “Behold, sir, not even totally in the ground yet, and this date tree hath already produced fruit!” The Sultan laughed, and gave him another gold dinar.

    Iroquois people say “unto the 7th generation”, that is, consider the effects of your actions, unto the 7th generation- the unborn. White man culture, like ours, can’t even consider the effects of their actions next week.

  4. If marriage is truly your path- walk it. Bars do not offer useful training, for women who seek a good marriage. Neither do bad boys. Men over 30 are more and more aware. They know that a woman who has had over 100 sexual partners has at least one incurable STD, and that there is no way he can ever meet her mental model of the ideal man- which is based on the best parts of over 100 other men. He knows that she will not have the oxytocin rush that makes her pair bond.

    My brother is a nice guy, who helps people, is bright, works hard, and doesn’t drink or do drugs. He was with a woman, who left him- why? Because he was, as she said, “too nice”. She wanted the bad boy. Something about bad boys turns some women on- they think they have the golden whatever, to change him into something responsible. If they succeed, though, he becomes boring, and they dump him, too.

    I see a lot of women, with children, who finally divorced the bad boy- only to realize that the $250K obligations they have- that is what it costs to raise a child, by way- turn men off. Men know that if they adopt a woman’s children, by another man, in some states they can be hit for child support.

    Vlad Draculs impaled about 10,000 Ottoman Turks, on sharp poles, and let them die, in agony. It scared away the Ottoman army. Divorce courts in the USA, and Britain, and Australia, and recently, Spain, that I know of, are doing precisely the same thing, metaphorically. Karen Straughn, Cassie Jaye, and Helen Smith have said the same thing.

    I do hope women will commit to family, and having kids. SOmeone will be needed, to pay my Social Security. And, come to think of it… SS for single cat ladies, who never got married, too.

  5. Suzanne, you are right on. Most American women cannot be satisfied. The bar they set can only be met by imaginary men. Oh wait- that’s why chick flicks are so popular. And Romance Novels. Fantasy is fun, but it is still fantasy.

    If I go swimming in the ocean, I modify my behavior to the currents. I cannot modify the currents to me. It is the same way, in marriage.

  6. I was in a class, with some feminists who ran pure hate for men through their energy systems. It was fascinating. I went into stealth mode, and said nothing. They had all kinds of nasty things to say. It was clear some of them knew each other.

    And at the same time, they thought that feminists were extraordinarily attractive to men. I couldn’t believe it. That’s like saying a triple K sheet set would be attractive to a black woman. Who was that neighborhood organizer Hillary did her thesis on- he said leftwingers should never criticize conservative rallies or groups; they should show up in Triple K sheets. I wonder how many Triple K appearances are actually Antifa… but anyway. What does a feminist present to most men? Energy vampire. It means a relationship where he will give 95%, and she will give 5% or less. It means constantly being compared to comparables that don’t even exist. It means constant lectures on BS. It means being with a woman who looks like a man. That may be fine for gay men, but for the average hetero, polarity is the only thing that lets the current of relationship flow. Vive la diference, yes? Because the greater the energy gradient, the greater the current. A 2 degree energy gradient has flow, but it’s slow. A 58 degree gradient has much greater flow, it’s almost a torrent. The more a woman is in her Yin polarity, the more attractive she is. The Hawaiian creation myth has the Yin Polarity, Uli, reaching out to Kane, the male polarity, ok Hawaiians are earthy, basically arousing him. This is metaphor for the conscious mind waking up in the sea of the subconscious. I was at a spiritual class, where the instructor diverged into discussing how to meet a soulmate. He noted that men generally don’t follow through, when they meet a “soulmate”, because they are so disappointed with women. Every woman in that class had razor sharp awareness, on that presentation. As Lorna Byrne says, though, 99.9% of us will not be married to our soulmates. It’s just not how the class works. She loved her husband deeply, but he wasn’t her soulmate.

    Let’s say we have a magnet. Magnets have a N and S pole, yes? You put 2 magnets in proximity, and they draw together. If, however, the metal isn’t magnetized, there is no attraction. Electric current is produced by rotating magnets, by way. If there is no voltage differential, there is no current.

    And that is precisely what feminists offer men. Zero current, and lots of bitching. You see, men get married to have lots of sex, and zero bitching. They end up with the reverse. Or as the comedians say, women get married hoping to change the man, a lot, and the man hopes the woman will never change. Both are disappointed.

  7. One of these blogs had a question by a woman who was seeking marriage minded men. Hmmm. Lots of books on that.
    1. Clean up your own act. Get rid of all the Cosmo mags- they are designed to make your life miserable. Pick the 3 girlfriends who are most toxic. Cut them out of your life, they are dragging you down. Get rid of your TV. Get rid of the romance novels, they are toxic. Clean everything negative out of your mind. Kevin Trudeau’s books can be useful here, and/or Martha Beck’s. I have no financial interest in anything they do.
    2. Cut back on the cosmetics. Do a detox. I like Dr. Schulze’s stuff, herbdoc.com, but use what you like. Your body is full of poisons. You cannot operate at the max with a poisoned body. Flush the liver, and kidneys, particularly Dr. Schulze’s 20 rules for health would be a good thing to adopt. Free at his website, and on youtube, and I have no financial interest in anything he does. Adopt them one at a time.
    3. Get on a healthy diet. I like Paul Bragg’s ideas, myself; I have no financial interest in what they do. This will involve food no more than one step away from nature. This cuts out all junk food. Remove ALL artificial sweeteners from your diet. They are toxic. Cease taking alcohol, and any illegal drugs, as soon as possible. Don’t go cold turkey on all of them, at once, that’s too much of a shock. Cut them back. Paul Bragg’s stuff on fasting is useful, that is a good way to empty toxins out of the system.
    Stop eating all fast food. It is drugs. The only fast food you can have is Subway, just like Raul Molina says. Cut out all soft drinks, they are toxic. Eat nothing with corn syrup in it.
    4. Buy the kind of clothing that stays in style, preferably natural fabrics. Gradually change your wardrobe to this. Clean out everything that does not add to your energy. Marie Kondo has GREAT books on this.
    5. Stop impulse buying. This is a discipline. Men like disciplined women. Men fear women who waste money. Buy only what you need. Buy only shoes that are comfortable to walk in. High heels will destroy your knees, by the time you are 50. The only time to wear high heels is when they are pointed at the ceiling… never mind.
    6. Start putting 10% of your salary into your IRA, and more, if you can. That prospective husband does not want to be your ATM, your early retirement plan, your doormat, your toilet, or anything less than a supportive partner.
    7. Take the ideas of Joseph Murphy, or Florence Scovell Shinn. Put together a positive intent statement, heck even Napoleon Hill’s will work. Read that positive intent AT LEAST 5 minutes every morning, 5 minutes just before sleep, and at other times. You need to reach out into your spiritual dimensions, and their ideas work.
    8. Stop all casual sex. You need some inner time. Casual sex is an insult to self.
    9. Learn to meditate. Do it at least 10 minutes per day.
    10. Devote some time in your week to selfless service to others. Yeah. This will open up your heart like few other things.
    11. Start spending time in nature. Get off the electronic drugs. Turn your cell phone off for at least 3 hours per day. Get rid of all your feminist “friends”. They are as toxic as anything else on this list.
    12. Start getting older married women talking. They are further down the path you want to go on. Take notes. Ask them what works for them, and WRITE IT DOWN.

    You may have noticed that self-improvement is getting easier. yeah, inertia flows to improvement, not decay.

  8. 13. Clearly define what kind of man you seek. Realistically. Millionaires have some bizarre tastes, and will not commit to you. Google Lolita Express, if you doubt me. Your list could start:
    a. good heart, able and willing to commit to you.
    b. stable financially and mentally.
    c. saves, and has savings.
    d. spiritual [casual sex is deeply materialistic. Good marriage is spiritual.] open heart.
    e. age range: five years below your age, to 10 years above your age, say.
    f. good health, and open to what you’ve learned from the above.
    know that adding much beyond this limits your options.

    Once the image you have “clicks”, imagine yourself living with him, in a very loving relationship. Why? Because this trains your nervous system in success. Do NOT sleep around, this drains the energy.
    Make space in your apartment for him, just like The Secret said to do. Cut all toxic people out of your life, especially the whiny girlfriends.

    Spend some time in nature, in wordless space, in quiet mind.

    When it feels right, put it out to the Universe. You could use Tom T. Moore’s “I request a Most Benevolent Outcome for finding the most appropriate mate for me [NOT the perfect mate- unless you are also perfect.] You could use Lorna Byrne’s invocation to angels. You could use Dee Wallace’s invocations [Iamdeewallace.com]. Or maybe some other intent focusing method.

    Keep doing this. I like Joseph Murphy’s affirmations, or FSS as noted above. What you are doing is refining your intent. Intent creates your life. When your subconscious mind is saturated with your positive intent, and your intent becomes the majority… the shift happens. And guys start showing up. The first one may not be the one. But he might be.

    Respect is enormously important. You cleaned out all your disrespect and hatred for men, right? Cuz if you didn’t, he will ghost your hateful ass, and you’ll never see him again. Disrespect for men builds a reinforced concrete WALL against finding a loving husband. You got rid of all that stuff about the patriarchy, and demanding your rights, too, right? Cuz if he hears that, he’s gone, faster than the Roadrunner.

    When he shows up, and he will, you are now in sales mode. You will need to sell him on how stable you are, financially and emotionally. You’ll need to show him a high energy level, so that he knows he won’t be the one vacuuming the rug at 5 AM because you were too damn lazy to do anything. You’ll show him some very healthy energy, based on the FANTASTIC mental AND physical diet you are on, so he knows you aren’t going to blow up like that lady in the Dursley’s house, in that Harry Potter movie. He won’t have everything you want- he’s gotta grow- and you won’t have everything he wants. You want to demonstrate that you are flexible, and open to growing with him.

    This is my personal thing. I say don’t sleep with him, prior to marriage. This is the guy you will dedicate your life to. Let him commit, in a formal ceremony to you. Sex is a lot better in a committed relationship. Oh, wait, you kept that bad boy on the side, for recreational sex, didn’t you… which proves you aren’t serious. You aren’t willing to commit. If you did that, stay with the bad boy, because that’s all you deserve. If you screw up a great guy’s life, the karma will come back and take some flesh out of your hide in very painful ways.

    No, let the relationship develop. Let him take the lead, in his Yang, electric, polarity, as you stay in your Yin, magnetic polarity. All that feminist BS you read was written by permanently damaged sociopaths who have no idea what they are talking about, who want you to share their misery. NEVER ask him for closure- like when he plans the wedding day. You could talk about plans for after being married, to see how he reacts. If he has a crisis, do what you can to help. NEVER EVER EVER EVER BITCH ABOUT ANYTHING, either out loud, or in your mind. Let him do more of the talking; the yang polarity of talking is weaker than the yin polarity of listening. Pour love out on him. He knows your mom is much of what you will become. So, let your mom meet him. And if your mom is a nasty termagant, well, cut her out of your life. You can overcome that subconscious programming, with methods cited.

    Your sales strategy is showing him that he gets more from you, than you from him. Yeah. Just like that. Lovingly, too. Your strategy is to show him you are a fantastic wingman, who supports and encourages him, and celebrates with him. Your strategy is to show that you are energy sealed, with no drains like addictions, spending, gossipping with girlfriends. By way, he knows that your girlfriends know EVERYTHING about him, especially the private stuff he asked you to never disclose. So his trust level is not very high. Learn discretion. Keep a wall around you, where you do not discuss private stuff with anyone else. He can feel that wall, and it affects his level of trust in you.

    You need to enter his circle of trust.

    Kids complicate things, that’s a whole different set of things. I can’t discuss that here.

    A smile from a loving heart is worth $40 million in cosmetics.

    Get out of panic mode, of the biological clock. Be centered in your spiritual core. Love yourself first, and let it overflow onto him. I could say learn to dowse, as taught by the American Society of Dowsers, folks like Raymon Grace who has videos on it, but that is too advanced, so I won’t.

    John Grey’s books are useful. Learn to speak your amour’s language. Let him take the lead, and isn’t it nice you can? Barbara DeAngelis had useful ideas. So did Dr. Laura. Susan Jeffreys, I think her name was, used to have an exercise, where women thought about all they hated in men. The room grew palpably hateful. Then she would have them think about all they liked in men- being flexible, supportive, funny, and so on. The room palpably lightened up. Concentrate on the positive.
    You could ask him what he thinks about having kids. That answer will be enlightening. Never ask directly, ask indirect questions, like this, so it doesn’t feel like pressure, or manipulation. And NEVER issue ultimatums, unless you want to end it all immediately.

    You see, he is trusting his economic, sexual, and family life to you. You are asking him to roll the dice in the crapshoot of marriage, risking half his income for the next 30 years, the emotional health of any children. He feels like he is putting his head in a guillotine, in marriage. Look up what that is. OK, another metaphor, he feels like he is putting his head in a noose, in a commitment. You want to show him he is safe. You are asking him to be the 50 meter target, on the rifle range, if you get upset, or just feel like taking out your bitchiness on the nearest target. That feels very, very risky. He’s seen men who couldn’t see their kids after a divorce. He doesn’t want that. He has to have complete trust in you. Really think about that.

    He’s a human being. You can totally destroy him, on a whim, and he knows it.
    If you still hate men, don’t get married. Get the cats, get a lesbian lover, whatever. Don’t hurt innocents. The karma is truly nasty, and you will get your investment back, with interest.

  9. Noeteny is a very useful concept, in biology. Very young gorillas have no hair- as with humans. At a stage in the development of worms, there is something like a spine.

    Consider Bill Clinton, and George W. From a certain point of view, they are both little boys, in the bodies of old men. Neither really matured. They are neotenous. Ideally, teenagers mature, with the example of adults. Yet, more and more stay neotenous- 40 year old men may spend a lot of time on video games. And 40 year old women spend a lot on bars. Or other time wasters.
    Marriage is not for everyone. Yet it is one route out of psychological neoteny, into maturity. So is military service. Any situation where one has to stay committed, even in the face of a strong desire to quit, brings people out of neoteny. Maturity is the opposite of neoteny.

    Our culture is becoming more and more neotenous. We have more and more little boys, and little girls, in the bodies of older people. More and more people are as irresponsible as teenagers. Psychological neoteny means women in their 20’s, even 30’s, who do plan a family, put it off to have fun, like teenagers. OK. It comes at a price- a worsening selection of potential mates. But since they are neotenous, they cannot be told this. They can’t hear it.

    The news media maintains this neoteny. It is designed to put people in a state of fear, and hopelessness. What is it like, for a man, to date a woman, only to discover she has the emotional control of an 11 year old? Or, perhaps vice versa. It is scary. It is scary for a man to realize that not only does a woman not have his back, she doesn’t even have a mature mind. And vice versa.

  10. In the Army, you are assigned a “battle buddy”. You are expected to look after each other, to cover each other, to support each other. The Army knows that when troops are paired, in this way, they are more likely to survive. Isn’t that interesting. Just like traditional culture knows that men and women together do a better job, in marriage. But a bunch of wild theorists who are not grounded all know better, somehow, and they have a better idea, that has never worked in history, not for long.

    In my town, there was a woman who was wild, in the 60’s. She did it all – Haight Ashbury, crisscrossing the country in a VW van with guys, all of it. And then, about the age of 30, she did a polar flip. She became a religious conservative, militantly conservative, married a guy, and started a family. As Catholics say, the worse the sinner, the better the saint. Interesting polarity there. Many American women flip flop as it is, they rarely stay constantly on point. They think it’s their right. So they’ll dump a guy, painfully, and think they can take up with him 12 years later, when the bad boys don’t stay around any more. Female solipsism is very, very real, in many women.

    Suzanne, you speak truth. That’s why they attack you- they can’t stand being shown up for the liars they are. Thank you.

  11. One way to find yourself is service to others- including spouse, and children.

    The laughter of my little girl Makes the waves in my heart curl
    Like a bird, she sings from heart Effortless, from soul, her art
    Smiling, Laughing, giggling, too She lives from her essence, true
    She knows precisely what she seeks From her heart, she always speaks
    Creatively, she loves to play Her Truth, inside, to speak, and say
    She teaches us so very much She learns through instinct, sight, and touch
    She expresses spirit, pure She knows laughter is the cure

    If we are sane, children force us to grow outside of the bounds of our small selves. Raising children is a spiritual path. You find your SELF, your larger self, in service to others.

  12. Sandra Bullock: “I always had this feeling that if you got married, it was like the end of who you were.”

    Yes. And when you graduate kindergarten, that is the end of who you were. When you graduate college, that is the end of who you were. When you get married, that is the end of who you were. There is a name for this. “Growth”. Apparently Sandra wanted to stay in high school?

    Time waits for no-one. It marches on. Women like her get that biological clock ticking, in their late 30’s, even 40’s, and then they start looking for a guy… only they are like people in fall, looking for apple blossoms. Swim with the tides, and life is easier. Swim against the tides, and life is unpleasant. And if you really need to swim against the tides- why not choose a cause of service to people? Four people ended the slave trade in the British empire. Just four. They decided what they wanted, and made it happen. What good things would you like to create in life? Because when you commit, that is the end of who you were, and you become much more, like who you ARE.

  13. You don’t find yourself in selfish acts. Your “self” is your smaller self. The larger self is the self of relationships- with family, with spouse, with community, even with country. You can live by yourself. But this limits your growth. Hermits grow quite a bit. They are in relationship with their surroundings. Americans are in relationship with the Internet, TV, mass media, and so on. They are confused, sad, and conflicted, as a result. You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give.

  14. Wisdom is like seeds, scattered. Some seeds fall on rock, and never germinate. Some fall in shallow soil, and have sparse growth. Some seeds find rich soil, and grow fully. You scatter your seeds, Suzanne.

    There are four kinds of people. There are those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, those who wonder what happened, and those who have absolutely no clue whatsoever. Women, and men, fall into all four groups. Wisdom comes to those who realize that their self does not stop at their flesh.

  15. All the world’s a stage
    and all the men and women, players on it
    They have their exits and their entrances
    and each in their time, plays many parts
    -As you like it, Shakespeare

    You chose your role, you chose the play
    you chose what to do and say
    you to winds far scattered seed
    to wisdom, or to fool, did heed

    The Worldly Hope men set their Hearts upon
    Turns Ashes–or it prospers; and anon,
    Like Snow upon the Desert’s dusty Face
    Lighting a little Hour or two–is gone.”
    -Ruba’iyat, of Omar Khayyam

    You plant fruit trees, or tall weeds
    By what you see as your needs
    Would you sell all of your wares
    you must lighten others’ cares

  16. Suzanne, you have such intelligent, thoughtful ideas. I am a veteran. There were several times during my service I was ready to quit. Some others did. But I stuck it out. And I’m glad I did. The challenges required me to dig deep into my being, to cope. And I became a much better person. I didn’t know it at the time- I just tried to make it through each day. I’m also married. Marriage also calls forth personal growth, especially when the kids come along. It used to be that some companies wouldn’t hire single men; they were seen as unstable. They wanted stable, hardworking, committed married men, and women.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: